Dear Diary,

Just realized the real deal situation. The last 3 nights, I've had sex dreams. I'll explain later, but this morning, had one were Justin came up in them. I'll describe it b/c it's fresh. So, we were like at some house party, sort of me and V, and all these other people and the party was winding down, we were all like watching a movie in someone's bedroom, Twilight or something. And Justin was there, and or course, he's like OVERLY sexual, and like we're all laying there on the bed, and he's trying to get at me. He's pretty aggressive, muscles, and flirty, so he was trying to touch me or hug me, or get me close to him and stuff. And I actually kinda let him. Even though V or a mixed version of V and L-wood was behind me and was kinda like the boyfriend type I came with. But being V, he didn't even say anything, and plus, it's not like HE'S trying to give me any of that, so like I let Justin, and I went with it even though it was rude in front of him. Basically, in the dark, movie, flintiness. So, like Justin obviously liked me, so he's trying to pull me closer to him, touch body parts, giggle, and just be flirty as crap. I pretty much loved it. Then some super slutty skinny bitch girl heard he was there and she came in, in pretty much a bikini top, and got up on top of him trying to like be slutty and sexy, and at first, he laughed and pushed her off. Then she tried again, climbing on top of him, and it was kinda awkward for me, and I know he's a big time player. So, she was tryna grind on top of him, and he laughs and goes with it for 5 seconds laughing, and then pushed her off again on to the floor lightly. She gets super mega pissed this time, and cusses him out, and throws some old watch at him, and says here's your crap or something. He doesn't even care about this. Like he really wouldn't cause he's SUCH a player. So, that makes me happy, but I know to be wary and know what I'm getting into. I know he's a big time flirt, but I have his attention for now, and I NEED the physical love, so I don't care for know. He's no boyfriend material, but we all know that. So, we go back to flirting during the movie. The merged V, L-wood type gets pissed, and mutters something about me being slutty and throws a $100 bill on the floor. This hurts me inside a little, and I feel a little bad. (Really that would be the L-wood side, because V probably wouldn't say ANYthing, and if he did, Justin would probably overtake him with words etc) (And I think it bring up old L-wood, Lee/Loy situation) But anyway, I feel kinda bad, but I think it's mostly from the L-wood site side of the situation. V can't say shit, and I think that's the point of the dream. How over that crap I am, and how I KNOW I deserve love like that, and how blatantly obvious I'd go with some dude like Justin who's clearly gonna f*ck my brains out even if it's just for one night b/c I deserve that love and to feel like that. V can't say shit cause he's not doing it! And he's had AMPLE time, opportunities, talks, therapy, eTCETC! So, they all leave, and it's just me and Justin later, we're playing around and stuff, he's kissing me, and playing hard to get know. For a guy man-slut, he was teasing a lot, and I was beginning to think I made a bad decision because he might have just been fucking with me and not gonna sleep with me either. But then finally, he says he doesn't have any condoms, so we look in the party-dude guys drawer. We were in his bedroom, and his room was all colorful, messy, and 80's retro/rap, electro-like. Funky. He finds a box in the drawer, then he takes is, fills it up with water, and I'm like, woah wtf!? Then it's like some weird shape with the pointed tip, and I'm thinking, 'oh great, he's going to like stick that inside me and do some weird shit, b/c this guy is such a sex machine and has so much experience', but then I'm thinking that, and freaking out a little, then he cuts the top ring off, and starts shaping the condom to some large liter coke-type plastic bottle. I'm even more confused. Then he's like, 'well they don't make condoms big enough for me baby!, and laughs', then I smile because I do remember how stacked he was. And then I'm thinking, he's gonna fuck me with a plastic bottle condom? WTF? But anyway, in this point of the dream, I kinda wake up, snooze my alarm, and I think about us having sex and how flippin crazy it would be. Then I actually fall back into the dream, we are getting ready to have sex in the dream, when the lil retro dude and his buddy show up. Like they had to go to school or something, but we were just hanging at his house still, next day party style. So, we're like shit! So, I hide the box of condoms back in the drawer and I'm freakin a little cause I think he's gonna be pissed. But Justin doesn't even move, he's not worried at all. And that's how he is. So, they come up stairs, I'm being nice, apologizing, and saying we're leaving, but Justin just asks them something completely off the wall and starts talking and schmoozing with them, and they forget about us being there. Such a smooooth talker. So, we leave, and then we spend the day hanging out over town, having sex, touching each other, and just being wild and crazy. I know it's not gonna last, but I make the most of my day because I need it, and I couldn't say no. So, I wake up, and this is the 3rd night of this. The first night it was like some other overtly sexual guy, and then masturbation in some hotel room. Then the 2nd night, I think it was L-wood or some version of him, then this. Clearly, I'm sexually frustrated. And to make things worse, in the 1st night dream, I was going back to my room thinking about the guy in the hotel room, about to go to bed, doing the whole masturbation thing, and there was some squirrel trying to come in the room from the chimney, it was loud, and scary, and trying to get in the room, I had to go cover the whole it was getting in through, and it was super scary. Then it still made noise so it made it hard for me to get in the mood or do anything. I looked up 'squirrels' on Dream Moods dream dictionary, and low and behold, here is what is actually says: "To see a squirrel in your dream indicates that you are involved in a loveless, pointless relationship.�You are pursuing empty and fruitless endeavors. Alternatively, seeing a squirrel in your dream suggests that you are hoarding something. You are holding on to too much and need to learn to let go." Damn, right?! So, after this dream this morning, I am realizing a lot. I also watched 'Bad Teacher" last night with Cameron Diaz, you'd think that movie wouldn't mean much to me, but I actually got something out of it. In the movie, Cameron Diaz is the bitchy self-absorbed teacher going after the guy with money to take care of her, the wrong guy. Her rich fiance breaks up with her, and she works at a school. Jason Segel is the cute but not rich gym teacher who has a crush on her, but she keeps shooting him down b/c he's 'still just a gym teacher with no money'. Justin Timberlake, a rich German nerd comes to substitute, and he's a super nerd and all wrong for her, has no sexual experience, and doesn't even like her much. She goes all out of her way trying to get the nerd-rich guy character the whole time. She finally does get him, and he dry humps her and cums in his jeans in a hotel room. She is laying there like WTF!, and then leaves, and runs into Jason Segel in the hallway. He is disappointed, and she invited him for drinks later, and he declines. She feels kinda bad. Later she figures out how Jason is the cool guy for her. Whenever lame-o nerd boy is super unfun and uncool, Jason is waiting there or around and wants to go smoke pot or go get a drink or is just the cool laid-back character with interests similar to hers. She keeps running from him though, until after that dry-hump incident when she realizes that even if she can get nerd guy, it's gonna suck big time because he's so lame, annoying, and doesn't even know how to have sex! But anyway, long story short, she ends up with Jason. After the movie, V and I discuss dry-humping, he's never heard of it and thinks it's gross. I try to explain it to him, and I say, well, when you're 14 or 15 and you can't have sex, that's what you do. All that passion builds up and that's what you do. I ask him, 'you didn't ever do that?' and he's like, 'ewwww. noooo!', and I'm like you didn't ever like 'touch each other or 'finger' a girl?' (ps sorry for the rude sex talk, but sometimes you just have to go there, I was pushing the limits w/V) and he was like 'maybe, I don;t know' At this point, I can tell he's lying, you either know or you don't if you've fingered a girl, it's self explanatory. Then I push even more, and ask him when did you have sex the first time? He tells me 19. I ask if he didn't ever like touch a girl before then, dry-hump, go to all the bases, eat her out, etc? And he's like, 'noooo, not really, ewww', then his phone beeps from a msg/email, and he takes it as a chance to run from my uncomforable conversation. The last thing I asked was, well when you had sex that first time, did the girl do everything? And he was like, 'yeah! ' as if that was self explanatory. The thing is, I was just playing, and he's told me when he had sx before and stuff, we're had that convo. But this time, I was like, Hmmm..... This dude (V) is a super dork jut like the movie. He hasn't even HAD sex really, and he has no passion, he's borderline gay. And he could be, and just not know it yet. I was really seeing the similarities. And then I was feeling confident because I KNOW all my experiences with L-wood growing up were real and were similar to a lot of peoples other experiences. When you're young and those hormones, you did dry hump and experiment and such, and that was fun. I wouldn't go back and change that. So, then I'm realizing then and after this dream this morning that, I am in the WRONG relationship clearly. If Cameron Diaz (a super hot, overly sexual chick) in that movie had stayed with Justin Timberlake dork-character for 4+ years, she probably would have crumbled in self-esteem too. She would be thinking, 'why doesn't this guy like me?, why doesn't he want to have sex with me? Am I hot?' She'd probably second guess even herself too. Of course, she'd have enough self-respect to end the relationship long before I did. But that's pretty much what I've done. I've put myself in this situation where there is this guy who doesn't give 2 shits about sex and passion and love, and he never EVER will, and the writing is on the wall. I am sticking around just to further hurt myself and waste my own time. Sure, I am not as sexy right now because of the weight gain, but a lot of that has come on as a result of V and feeling like shit about myself. The eating cycle is largely because I am sad from not ever getting that love and physical attention. But the bottom line is, I'll NEVER get it from Vasil, he is incapable of giving it to me or anyone else. And who knows if that'll change, but people don't change usually. And it's been 4+ years!! Damn! I am self-inflicting this pain, and misery. Every day, every month, every year I stay with him is another piece of my self-esteem chiseled away. And it's not because I literally am fat and unsexy, and unloveable. (while some of that is true, a large percent of it is because of the way he makes me feel and I feel around him) Take that out of the equation, and I can at least try to get better without being stuck in the cycle and feeling bad about myself. But I see he is this dork guy because V totally didn't get any of that sex stuff when I was talking about it, he IS the nerd guy, and I felt some feeling bubble up like they did at the beginning of the relationship. Those initial feelings of like, well we are SO on different pages, and this is not gonna work. Those feelings I used to have back in the day when I still has some self-respect and confidence. Because when I think back on my own self, I WAS confident, I was more like Cameron Diaz in that movie. I was sexual, confident, and I owned my boyfriend and the guys I dated, they all wanted to be with me, and we did those things because we were passionate and we're in lust/love. I would have laughed at a dweeby guy like V, I would have maybe thought he was nice, might have even slept with him if it worked out right, but I probably never woulda gotten in a relationship with him. I would have had better guys to go back to or find because I was too much woman for V, and we were not on the same pages. I'd have known then how unsatisfying a stupid dry hump would be when I could go be with a L-wood or Justin (dreams reference). But how come, my decisions got so blurry now? I won't ever take those things back, those are the one things I DO KNOW about my life that WERE right. I loved being that person. I don't love who I am NOW. And it's not JUST the weight. Although that helps. But how come it's all so blurry now? Well, I think it's because V hit on my ultimate weakness. He called me out on my weight early in the relationship, he stung the part of me that was most vulnerable. Instead of telling him to fuck off, like I so many times wish i had, I stayed to almost punish myself, or maybe try to prove to him or make him love me or to think I can change. But who can change in an environment where you KNOW someone doesn't love you for who you are? Doesn't that make it even harder to change something about yourself, even if you want to? Because if you do, then they might start liking you, and how superficial. It's all fucked up. But I have really royally fucked myself. I have such low self-confidence now, I am co-dependent, I am just a depleted woman. And I have seen the spiraling out of control, and I haven't stopped the bleeding. And here I am still justifying going to Europe with him, and keeping things going, when really all I wanna do is run away, far far away. I want to end all this, everything. I want to run away. Go to Kentucky and just stay with Lindsey, and just not come back for a while, and just not answer to anyone. I should do that, I could do that. It could happen. And I paused after I wrote that, and stared at the screen watching the curser just blink. blink. blink. blink. Contemplating the possibilities. I think about V and how to not hurt him, but my new found codependent training tells me to think about me. To push that aside and think about me and what I need. Could I just walk away? Could this not be just another rant, could it be truth. I prayed yesterday, I cried, I asked God for help, is this part of that? Am I confused more?