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©2004*Blondiegrl24*

- All About ALEX -
Wednesday, Oct. 24, 2012 // 7:50 P.M.

Dear Diary,

So, I don't know where I left off last, and I don't care.
It might be pre-mature to write about this, but whatever, I think I want it documented regardless of the outcome good or bad or in between. lol

Sooooo, I'm sorta kinda on my way a lil bit in love. lol
Tryna be careful with my heart and everything, but it aint helping. Good stuff has finally come into my life and I been bustin my ASS for it the last few years. It's amazing how quickly everything can really change when you let go of the bad, REALLY let go of the bad.

I don't know how to even tell the story...I will, but right now I'm giddy and drunk of the feelings and wanna get that part out. I'm so thankful to God and to every thing in the world right now, and I am fearful it could crash down, but I've already been down, and really down, and I just don't care, I'm chips all in. Hopefully this other person will meet me halfway!

So, let's talk about Alex. lol I'll tell the story in a min, it's a great story. But he is awesome. I haven't liked someone like this since L-wood and Andy. And I already kinda like him more than Andy, even though I was fallin for Andy, but he was more cold.
So, Alex, well where to start...I'm an ENFP personalty type, and he's an ESFP, which makes us REALLY similar but a bit different. And though I analyzed us by type and all, I still believe that doesn't matter as much in the end, although we do have I think relationships of likeness or something, which is favorable. V and I didn't have that.
But anyway, he is this amazing mix of aggressiveness and sweetness.
We have been talking NON-STOP for a month straight, texting, emailing, phone convos and have met twice in person. Only drawback is his schedule, he works at nights, and so we can't make plans that much.

Actually, I had a mini freakout Sat/Sun because we have talked every single day from morning to night, and then Sat, he was supposed to come see me, but had family come in town and bailed (bad I know!), so I told him I was gonna go to the show with another guy, and I was going too. And as far as he knows I did. Actually, I asked a guy, he said he would love to but he was out of town, I was gonna take V as a last resort, but I took a nap and ended up passing out and sleeping through it! Really sucked, but figured i shouldn't tell him that! So, I texted him Sat night that it was a fun night and good night. Then didn't heard from him til Mon night. I thought it was over for some unknown reason, I mean, my friends and co-workers said not to text him, and I was readin that book 'why men love bitches', but even though I think it's fab to be an independent badass woman, I still wanted to trust MY own instincts. I texted him at 4pm on Monday, about something I was doing and said hope he was okay. Then Mon night I was like a f-in wreck, I was even about to cry in front of V about this guy. (BTW, we are trying to just be friends now, and so far so good obviously!) So, I just could not believe that a guy whos last text says 'you make me very happy' would just disappear out of no where. I mean, it could and does happen, but I would have at least thought he'd text me sorry or something and just a bit of an explanation. He just didn't seem like that, and then also we have talked EVERY DAY from the morning to the evening for 30 days, so I was like, how could he just 'not' do it anymore. I was thinking his ex-wife might be back in the picture, but then again, while I was acting like a freakin manic psycho without showing him. I googled her, and I found her online, she is still using his last name on her FB account, but it was like a joint account so I kinda get it. His pic isn't on there, but she is NUTHIN special!! Like, I am RELIEVED I saw that. Oh, I really shouldn't divulge the level of crazy I went to on her, lol, but it's not that bad, I also found her Pinterest old account from prob when they were gettin married, and I saw a wedding photo, so I knew it was him. In that pic, she wasn't that bad, I mean obviously everyone is pretty on their big day, but she had blonde hair. Now, she has dark hair, prob like 80 lbs more and bad bad acne, and I saw one pic on twitter that like grossed me out acne wise, she was lookin Rrrrrrough! So, of course that made me feel better, lol But then again, not that much, because Alex is really really awesome. Like, he said the other day with straight-up confidence that he's dated ugly girls. And said looks ain't everything. He said it with like super confidence, and it drives me nuts b/c firstly, that's the right way to be, and second, it makes me feel more nervous knowing I can't win him over by looks alone. And really that's the trust, if his ex was really awesome personalty-wise, she could get him back, acne and all I think. lol

But I just really really really like him a lot. He's refreshing, and the layers of our personalty meshing with each other is just rich and colorful. We have a lot in common, and we kinda get each other, it's pretty amazing. It freaks me out too, like he has me doing things I NEVER do with guys. Not things I don't want too, but things I never let myself too or wasn't motivated to do. Like, I NEVER have ever used 'pet' names to call a boyfriend. I've had boyfriends do it to me, but I just felt too cheesy doing it. I even tried to do it, but I jut never liked a guy enough to say it with feeling or meaning.
And damn, if I'm not already using them with this guy, like wtf!?! And it's natural b/c I feel it... Things like that scare me! lol It's just he is SO non-judgemental and confident, and I know he likes me, so I just don't feel weird about doing it. He's not looking to bring me down, and then I love it b/c when I mention something about my life, if he's not in ADD mode, lol, he'll ask me about it and comment on it like he's ACTUALLY interested. lol I'm not used to that, I'm used to talking to V til he's blue in the face while he listens and doesn't even remember what I said later b/c he could care less about the things that don't involve his interests. It's SO refreshing, and hope inducing. Which is why I bout lost it when I thought it was over. I don't think I was so upset about losing him as I was how 2 ppl could talk that non-stop for 30 days and then it could end, that thought breaks my heart and makes me sad for everyone. Like, I don't want to date if it was like that all the time. And I know that does happen to some people, it sucks!

But, found out he fell and hurt his back and had to go to the hospital and didn't really get his phone, truck, and things back til Monday. I mean, I'm still half calling some bullshit on his story, but I'll try to find out the truth later. I'm pretty sure it did happen, I am kind of getting that he is a little bit self-indulgent. Like, I'm indulgent, but I like to do that with other people, I am seeing he likes to do that sometimes for himself. And from what I can tell from his parents, they've done just enough to help him out, but don't go above and beyond for him. He mentioned the other day how they'd help him if he asked, but it was too much trouble to ask and he didn't really need it. So, he's very independent and hard-working and doesn't ask for help when he needs it. My parents are kind of similar, although I know how to work them, lol But generally, they only come through when I need them, if I ask for anything else, they are quick with a big fat NO.

But anyway, so he's tall, he's cute, apparently he is WELL ENDOWED which I am VERY happy bout, I've felt it, but I'd like to see what I'm working with sometime. Then again, I'm a little afraid, cos that will only make me more in love with him....haha

And, what I think it making me melt so much is his aggressive sweetness, like he knows to push a girl against the wall to make out, but then he'll want to romatically kiss u all over your body. It's sickly amazing! He said when he was like 23 or something he dated like a 36 year old or something, or some older lady, which made me jealous. But, I bet he learned a lot from that. And ya know what, thank you lady, because that just made things awesome for me! lol I should thank her one day if we end up together, hahaha!
I mean, really, I've been doin that to all my boyfriends, making them better lovers, training them and all, but they've never been right for me, then they end up perfect for the next gal. I don't want them when they come to be messed up and not knowing..lol

He's just a dream. Like, the only bad thing is his job and schedule, possibly his financial handling, but he's taken Dave Ramsey's class on that.

We also have like super compatible sex drives. It's bout to get kinky...warning!

So apparently he's a freak, like he didn't actually say the words BDSM, but that's pretty much what he does. But then again, if you've ever handcuffed a lover, played with toys, or spanked them, talked dirty or the like, you've done some BDSM. So, it's not so out there really. Anyway, before I tell what he likes, I just want to say what I've always wanted.
I have always been a bit of a freak exhibitionist mostly b/c I had to be so proper and perfect growing up. The bedroom is the one place I feel like a freakin Vixen and like to lose control and basically perform. I let it rock in there. BUT, I've NEVER had a partner that was adventurous like me, it's always been me being that exciting person. And guys love it, they call me years later, even when they are married, and they don't forget me. But, all the time, I'm not getting much out except my need to perform and own it in there. So, then here's Alex who says he lives to please and he wants to do insane shit in the bedroom. He's broken headboards, made girls bleed (accidentally, well endowed eeeh) and loves to go down on girls. So he says all that, and I think okay, he's a male slut, but then he says he's a one-woman man, and he doesn't like not being exclusive before sex, and then he'll say something how we need to make love first before rough sex. and I just melt!! lol We are gonna be on fire! And if our makeout kissing sessions say anything, it's going to be out of this world!!! The first night we met after talking maybe like 2.5 weeks, we came back to my place, and had a killer makeout sesh. He drove me insane! Because he was SUPER calm and confident. I was super sexy and kissed him so well, he even admitted I was better than him. It blew both of us away, our chemistry is electric. Just us touching our skin together is like electric. It's wild. And that was the first date/meeting! I've NEVER done that with a guy I was dating. And maybe we shoulda slowwed down, but I was already talking to him for 18 days straight, it didn't matter what he actually looked like, I wanted to kiss him so bad. The feelings were already set up and the physical part wasnt even a big deal. He said the same.

The 2nd time it was kinda the same, he was nervous though but I wasn't. I'm nervous today and the other days, but when I'm there with him, I just have to tell myself to be myself and be fun. To act weird or insecure would be silly and could cause me to lose it all. I've just been telling myself, it's make or break time, and you're on.... ya know. It's been working well so far. I hope I can do that when it comes to the music when I have to sing in front of people. It's just go-time. I guess I know how fabulous he is, and I've been unhappy and beat down from V for so long, and I just don't even have time to waste being insecure when i've with him. It's good really, because he gets to see the real me. The insecure me is not that fun. And of course they are all one in the same, but when I'm with him, I check that shit at the door. If he was around more, I hope I could keep doing it and be myself all the time, I think I could. He makes me happy.

Part of me is worried b/c we don't hang out a lot. We have a date planned for tomorrow night before he has to go to work, and then I'm gonna try to make him do something Sunday. That's the only issue with him, not making time for me. But I literally think it is because he doesn't think he has the time, and/or he did tell me that after shit got bad in his marriage, he just checked out and worked all the time. So he's not used to making time for some one. But I got news for him, he's gotta make some time if he really feels what he feels. The only thing that has seemed to work with him has been jealousy of me with another guy, and missing the opportunity to be with me at all. Also, when we see each other in person, he's more likely to schedule something b/c he GETS it. He's an ESFP personalty and from what I've read online, they are BAD with planning, they live in the moment. Also as a sensor, he takes things concretely. So, in convincing him, I need to use literal evidence so he can be like, yeah I guess so, instead of me just saying I havent seen you. The physical evidence goes further with him as a sensor. obviously, I've overanalyzed the hell out of everything, and I'm trying not too, but my mind is wild. I met him by letting life go any way it should, by letting go and letting God, but giving my self up to life, chance, and opportunity. And it such an amazing story, so that's also why I was distraught if it was gonna be over just from him not communicating. It was like a belief and faith for me....so having that all fall down was really hard.

So we met because I was in NYC on our market trend research trip. I went to stay with Kim the last few days. Was glad to see her and we had an amazing time, I was able to be myself with her, and things felt good. I was having a fab time, and I just felt like texting my friend Brittany who had messaged me a week or so before about doing make-up for her wedding. I texted her number back, and then the other person says, well I don't need any make-up, my name is Alex' So, I was like drunk good chatty drunk, and I was like 'huh, okay, well so u don't know Brittany Peeler?' and he was like 'yeah, that's a negative lol' and he was funny and personable, and I was writing off the cuff being my ultimate self throwing shit at him left and right. And he responded to it all with wit and charm! I was entertained! He told me what he did, i told him what I did, we just went with it. Finally I was like, 'why u keep texting me?' and he was like 'idk b/c u keep textin me! lol'
So, it was so much fun. He sent a pic but it was kind of a bad one with sunglasses, and I sent him one. Then he was like 'i don't know u' 'but i'd like too lol' And later he asked if I wanted to hang out some time. He said he was a 'nice country man'. lol And I of course said, 'well i hope not too nice, I don't like guys that let me walk all over them' lol and he said he doesn't. but at the time, I was like, ooh some boring country guy.
but he texted me the next day on my flight home and b/c I was waiting for the plane, I wrote back. And he was nice and fun.

Then we talked and texted when I got home, and kept on and on and on. And then I found out he was far from just a country boy. He likes rock and country, drives a truck, lives by himself, has a dog and car, a good family, a sister that lives in atl, and her husband runs one of the food trucks that comes by my house that is a rock'n'roll themed truck. And he's just super confident, he's like Andy, Lenwood, plus a sweet guy all rolled into one better and haha BIGGER package!!

I hope we continue together. I'm trying not to be a pushover for him not making time for me, but honestly I like him so much, it's hard. I will have to have a serious talk with him about it. If he bails tomorrow, then I'm gonna be MIA on his ass. I cannot understand that b/c he basically told me the other day while under the influence of his pain meds for his back (yeah i know, kinda red flag, but I'm monitoring that too) that he was still fallin in love with me. We've joked about running off to Vegas to get married too! Joking, but kinda not! lol
On our first like sit-down date, we joked about getting up and slow dancing to this one song, and there was a table of rowdy boys near us. I was like, if you asked me I'd do it, and he looked me in the eye, and said, 'I'll do it too, let's go.' and he meant it, and shit like that just makes my blood boil, my heart sing, and my face light up. Because I know he WOULD have done it, and I was half-bullshittin, but if he'd asked, I would've taken the chance. And I just love that about him. He challenges me to do things I want to do already that I might not do, but with him, it's so natural. It's like I could climb mountains next to him b/c I know he'd go with me, and I got his back if he's got mine. It's ride or die bonnie and clyde! lol Partners in crime! lol It's really awesome, I've never had such instant chemistry with someone, and then we have the fun, teasing and games that I had with Justin and/or L-Wood. We flirt, tease, and talk shit to each other, and then we can't stand it anymore and makeout passionately. It's just bliss! But it does scare me, all the time.... And if it ends, I will be heart broken. But I love it for what it is. I've had such crap with V, such dark days, such low esteem, and with Alex, I'm more me, and it feels right with the world. And even if we don't work out, I think I'll be better off because of it, and I will expereience something amazing. So, it's worth the risk, 100%, even at the risk of the worst heartbreak. But I hope I don't have to feel that, I hope we go all the way. I'm in no rush, but I just could see this going somewhere, and he has said the same. I guess I just am anxious to spend more physical time together b/c it doesn't feel as real to me if we don't. Like, I haven't been to his house yet, and it does worry me that he could just disappear. But the other day, he said he would tell me if he didn't want to talk to me anymore. And he said he was pretty blunt and he'd just say it, he also said he saved my house in his GPS, so I mean, why would he do that if he was gonna be a flake and never hang out. Still, he seems to have trouble making time for anything besides, sleep, work, and family. I've been really fun with him, so I am a bit worried that he is seeming me too much as the party and not as substance. So, I'm gonna try to be more of a mix of fun and substance tomorrow. Think I'm gonna dress a little more normal, I was pretty glam last time. And I'll still be fun, but i'll try to share more about myself and not just be bubbly party girl. It's hard though, cos he makes me that way! Don't know if I can control it! But anyway, the ride is A LOT of fun! I've been tryin to lose weight too for me, but also it will benefit him if I'm confident. But I've lost 10 lbs almost. I want to do it for me, and I think that would also be a side by product. Plus, if we dont hang out as much, that's kind of ideal for my weight-loss. But we are gonna be having insane sex soon if we get to it, and I do NOT want to kill everyhting by being insecure and uptight. I want to be that Vixen, but not on liquid courage or b/c I don't care about the guy. It's gonna be scary b/c he's gonna focus on me, and that's REALLY scary, but it's kind of what I need. I can't wait, but I really am just trying to take it one day at a time. Take it for what it is, live in the moment, and be thankful to God that he's in my life. I need to write the preface to this story too about my prayers in the airport. Maybe next entry cos omg, think I'm gettin carpel tunnel from typing so much! If it doesn't fit, I'll post across today and tomorrow. But man, I am on my way to love and joy!! I hope it continues....









The WeatherPixie

FADE // SPARKLE

Iím finding out that cheating gets it faster