Dear Diary,

Soooo....I wanted to start a completely new diary. A new space I guess. I am gonna just let out a lot in this entry like a big whooosh of air. Let me warn anyone before I start, it ain't gonna be pretty and it isn't gonna be pro-eating disorder oriented. I know it's depressing and kinda disappointing to go back in and read some of you favorite Diarylander postings and see that someone is recovered or not doing the 'heres everything i ate today' list, but ya know nothing lasts forever. Just basically, here's your simple. if you wanna be ana/mia etc, go ahead, I don't really knock it. But I'm not exactly gonna obsess about it in the same way, so basically there won't be any 'fix's' here anymore.
And why you ask? Well, let me explain.

Sooo...back on topic. I have grown a lot over the last year, and really examined my life and where I am and what's going on. It's still a process and I think we are all works in progress, but I really started noticing some things. And here it is, I'm kinda fucked up. Not that a lot of people aren't, but I kinda am. I'm on my way out of it, (sort of), but I think it mostly all started with this eating disorder drama. I think I thought about it when I bit into the "apple", but I didn't really think the poison would take to me. For some reason, I thought that since I wasn't obviously a skeleton, I didn't really have an eating disorder therefore I wasn't really messed up. I was a voyeur on the outskirts of the e.d world taking pieces of things I wanted, leaving others and mixing up my own bowl of poser-e.d. And I have thought that way for many, many years. That I was just using ana here and there when I wanted too, and reading the thinspo and being a part of this underground scene and all that it comes with. I wasn't really messed up, and I wasn't stick skinny, so I clearly didn't have a problem or any issues.

Ah, there's the rub. Well, I can't say that this disordered scene really hurt me or help me, but ya know what it did do. It paralyzed me. I didn't get better or worse or equally the same, maybe more towards worse, but I didn't GROW. I didn't do anything. I shuffled between overly healthy and unhealthy, more EDNOS than anything else. I overate to feel healthy and emotionally better, and then when that grossed me out, I'd undereat until that made me feel like crap, and then back and forth Is swung. Never fully jumping into either pool, but rather dipping a toe in each pool, hot and cold respectively. And so, this became my life. A lot of never making a real decision. Hovering or only slightly testing each thing and never fully pushing through anything.

It's not that my parents didn't teach me to finish things, they did. But not anything I actually wanted. I finished games and sports, and clubs I'd joined, but I never got pushed to go after the things I really wanted. So, now I'm a master of all things, but only a 'little' bit. I know a little bit about everything, which makes going through life kind of successful, but never overly successful.

But back to the e.d, by not committing to either, I really just paralyzed myself to be frozen in time. I neither got better or worse, and was in a constant state of hovering. I could neither get help or acknowledge anything was wrong because I couldn't commit to either. What a mixed up place to be!

But overall, I feel like I didn't commit to myself. I didn't commit to my dreams, I didn't commit to weight loss or health, and I didn't commit to loving and learning more. I kind of gave up. So, I'm kind of realizing how important it is to take action. Not worrying, not sitting on decisions but action. Because you can sit in no mans land for a LOOONNNG time, much longer than you think you can. And that's not fair to yourself. Go in all the way or not at all because there is only one life to live. I'm finding my way out of the fog, but I'm finding out cheating doesn't really get it faster, it just cheats you period. Don't cheat yourself, don't sit in no mans land, take action towards your goals and dreams, and know when you have a problem or when you don't. Black and white, don't live in shades of gray. It's no way to live. Everyone owes it to themselves to commit and try things. Rejection is part of life, but you'll never know what you're good or bad at unless you actually move forward and try. So, basically, I'm figuring out why and/or how things kinda got off track. It seems like a serious of non-decisions that got me to where I am right now. I've been wondering why it feels like nothing is 'happening', lol, but thats because it's not! I'm not sure what I'll do about the diary thing, starting a new Diaryland diary looks like a pain with this new spam-signup procedure. I guess it's not really the diary, but it's just that I want to change. I don't want to stay that person, and I don't want to keep taking less for myself, or not committing to my dreams. My relationship with V is like the poster for my life, a hovering non-commital. And no one really deserves that. Now that I see the patterns, I am seeing a lot of other people doing the same thing. Waiting for time to be right, waiting for the right job, the right guy, or the right place, and it's just NOT gonna happen. It's kind of disappointing, but it's not that you can't have those things, you just have to DO something. My sister is the worst case, she has like a list of 10 or more things she wants to do, and she's been living in up north with her husband in the same apt, with the same job for like 6 years! She's unhappy, but she's too comfortable to change. She doesn't have kids, and mainly thats because she doesn't think it is the right time or they have enough money. She's like a crystal, frozen in time, and blinded by her own self. No movement whatsoever. She emails me about all the dreams, and when I push her to action, I get the same rebuttal and excuse list. It only recently dawned on me that I am doing some of the same things, and it freaks me out to no end! The fact that I could be giving up on life as well and could be her in a few years. It's not nice to say, but it's true. I feel like almost everyone finds excuses for their dreams whether it's weight loss or your career or whatever. There's always something 'else' to do or focus on. But that's wasted time that you could be happy. It's hard to go after your dreams, if it wasn't, everyone in the world would be happy. So, that's where I am now. In this weird space between realization and change, and trying to move forward with this knowledge. Trying to commit to action with seeds of typical norms creeping in to give me doubts. I still feel like I'm shuffling the deck, but I am trying to play some cards. And I have lately. I think action breeds action. I got a tattoo recently. I'd always wanted one, but my mom is like ridiculously conservative, and I had the excuse that I had to draw it and have it perfect since I'm an artist. Then, last Friday (after the interview), I made plans with a friend to go by this local place that is famous. I didn't even know what I wanted the day of! I was freaking a little inside b/c I was driving back home from the interview knowing I had like 2 hours to decide on something I wanted permanently. I knew I wanted a music treble clef, but I also wanted something more unique than that. Anyway, I came up with something, my friend met me in the nick of time for our appt, we were over there so fast, and I hardly had time to feel nervous. It's about a 5x3 size on my inner arm. Go big or go home ya know. Have to start living my theory. And ya know what, I did. It didn't hurt NEAR as bad as everyone says, and I am happy about it. I felt some seeds of guilt the next day, but I squashed them quickly. Overall, I wanted the tattoo, it meant something to me, it was beautiful (a clef note with a retro swallow looped through), and it made me feel good and confident. The feeling it gave me was not wrong, so if anyone has a problem with it, I want to go back to that feeling. Because that's the real deal. So, those are the things I need to chase and find. Things that make you feel good and better, even if they are scary. So, that was one small thing, and I am trying more and more. It's a slow process, and I can't always force some things, but I am starting to gain more and more ground and confidence. Trying to live the life I could have started living before the e.d, before I decided to not decide to have an eating disorder. lol If that makes sense. I can't say the e.d did as much to me, but it was a lot of little things, and making any decision to deprive or take away or hurt yourself is bad, and if you make too many of those, they add up. Keep doing it, and you will change your life for the worst or be stuck like I have been. It needs to be the opposite. Small, good decisions that add up to good things and a happy place in life. And still this brings me to what to do with V? I don't know. Part of me wants to move on as part of this process and part of me wants to hold on, but holding on hasn't gotten me anywhere, and it's not a good theme. My lease is up at the end of April, and then I think I am either going to get something else or move in with my parents while I save money or apply for jobs. It'll force some distance from him, even though I'm not thrilled to live with them. But I'll save tons of money, and it might promote some change from him and myself. We'll see, there is still time, but I think we have to have some separation. I keep saying that, and we never do it, but I want to make a real decision this time. Good or bad, movement. Action. I hope when I update in here, I will have a lot more to say. That things will MOVE and change and that I can GROW again. Now, to go DO something about working on that! : )