Dear Diary,

Okay, so I'm gonna have to start geting real in my diary now.

Not that I ever wasn't real, I just still sometime wrote in here what I wanted my own self to hear.

I can't do that anymore.

If anyone reads this, and I kinda hope they don't, you're probably not going to enjoy the new path, but too bad. This is MY diary afterall, it always has been. I can't sugarcoat anything nor should I have too. If this is too boring or too real, than move along sister b/c there are only 5 million other diaryland and online journals to read.

This is the new rededication to myself. Okay, nuff said.

Moving on...

This time in my life is highly transitional. I don't know if I'm up or down these days. My life just collided into a wall, and now I am sitting on the floor picking up the chunks and pieces and deciding how to put it all back together. But also, I have to say it's kind of fun.
It's also depressing. To see what you did, how you had fun, the risks you took, the passion, the lack thereof, the wastes, but regardless....there's something cool about going out on a quest to find yourself.
You see, I lost me a LONG time ago. It started as a kid, but I've been progressively hacking away at myself ever since. I haven't loved and celebrated me for me in SO long. And ya know what? I don't know why not. I am great. I do love myself, but it's been a hell of a long time since I showed it.

Here's the rundown, I'm in therapy now, and I've been going for about 3 months now. So, far I feel like I overwhelm my therapist, but she says I don't.
But it's turned my life upside down, and while I hate it sometimes (bringing up all those uncomfortable moments!), it also puts me more on the path of healing and discovery.

Because today dear friends, I talked about MY eating disorder. For really the first time ever, although my boyfriend knows so that probably counts.
But i have begun to realize how terrible it was so long ago to make the decison to go down this road. I'm still here, dealing with the reprecussions, and
I'm a mess.
I destroyed myself over the years even more emotionally than physically.
We're trying to figure out why, which I find interesting. I never really knew WHY I started the ED, I thought I just wanted to lose weight, but I know it was more than that.

But regardless, I hope I can overcome all my issues and be me one day. I hope i can not worry about what people think, be totally social and open, love my body, and enjoy myself and all parts of it. I am learning to love myself, but it's a tough road. I thought I already did but my actions have shown I clearly do not. I guess I accepted just a little love, but not all.

I want to randomly mention something in here we talked about or a thought I had.
My parents were very critical when i was a kid, they also didn't give me any direction. Weird combo, but they wouldn't tell me WHAT to do, they would just crticize my choices after or would criticize what I said I wanted to do.
I got accustomed to asking them for a lot of advice mostly it worked out. Until now. I mean after the finish school, get a job, etc, they didn't give me any more direction or advice. I don't think THEY know how to live their own lives. I think they are exsisting and not really living and I think they've accepted that. My dad fought harder a long the way, I have his spirit.

But anyway, so they critisized my actions and decsisons, so I became a worrier later in life, and I started obsessing over what everyone else thought in school. And I've been doing this forever, and now I am labeled 'codependent', and I am.
It's just so bad that I got to a point where I just want to be happy, I am so TIRED of worrying and thinking about what other people think of me, that I have lost my identity as a person. I am this filtered version of myself, and I almost can't decide at all.
(my sister has been at this level for most of her life)

But I realized, this sucks, I want to just be me again, the way I felt singing no doubt in the mirror into my hairbrush doing makeup, drawing or being creative in my room alone. Just me and happy and excited about the possibilites of life.
But destroying my self esteem through all the criticism and weight issues has been horrible for me.

So what would a kid do if they were critized for all their decsions pretty much and expected to do well on their own. Well, you'd probably struggle hard and aganoize over the right decison before you make it, you'd consider the audience and the people your decison affects, and you'd play it safe, maybe even have a backup plan. Not take any big risks.
You might also rebel, make rash decisons for the fun of it. Go to the extreme. And that might have been part of my ED, making a statement and hoping we could just 'talk' for real one day and let the walls down. So, now I avoid ALL crticism in my life, I try to control and prepare for it. I am barely living b/c of it.

And I feel unloved when my parents aren't giving me direction or telling me what they think about my life. I feel like they dont care, like when they went to visit my sister and didn't call me for 3 days. I was overworked and unhappy at my job almost at a breaking point, and they werent there and werent calling. I was a little upset, but then they called when they came back, and still didn't ask about me. I realized it didn't matter, it wouldn't matter what they said, it mattered that I was happy. ANd it only matters what I do. I answer to me.

Like I told my mom today, I might apply for some job, I may not. And she will forget or not even ask me, it's not like they are that into my life anymore. They just expect me to get it and do on my own now. But I've been living directed and emotionally manipulated through criticism for all my life, and now I am just supposed to do it right now on my own. Easier said than done.

I don't know, these are just rants from my therapy session, I don't know what the answer is yet, all I know is I need to get them down.

more later

bleh old habits die hard (*38) very losh!