Dear Diary,

damn, havent updated here in a while. See Diaryland entries for whats been going on.
Justin and I have had mad texts back and forth since the last time I wrote.
Really like him, but he's pressuring me to meet.
I'd LOVE to meet him but am worried about my weight right now. Guys are so visual and I REALLY REALLY like him...but thats the thing I do... and I dont want to mess it up by pissing him off not meeting.

Anyway, I was feeling super guilty about it all, and I needed to talk to V. We had a huge fight I guess this past Monday and it was after he bought me some things at wal-mart and we blew up about expectations etc. I basically initiated the break-up then in the fight and he got all psycho and rage like. Kinda scary, but it was like rage and then whining. Wild stuff. I tried to stay calm, and then we went to bed. Said we'd talk about it tomorrow.
I got the sense that he thought we might make up so I initiated the talk again at dinner.
Reieterated the fact that we don't have a 'romantic' relationship and that it was like friends anyway. He was saying things about being able to change talking all the bullshit through like we have a million times before. But I tried to tell him nicely, that this wasn't one of those times when we communicate over the issues, act like we're gonna fix them and come back again. I was done. Like, I have NO more patience. I don't even feel bad anymore hurting him by saying such obvious things.
But I do care so much for him, and I am still kinda attracted to him and like him, but not very romantic and passionate like. I also really want to do this thing with me and Justin.
But V wasn't as convinced. He stayed last night and I said we'd take it slow and then make some rules.
It was late and he had to get up at 6am for tennis work, and I couldn't make him pack shit up then. Looks like it's gonna be a process. Plus, I've got shit all over his computer desktop that I need to burn off.

Anyway, then this morning he leaves a note crumbled in my flip part of my phone. lol I knew he did it b/c i woke up but pretended I didn't know.
I was worried he might be reading my texts from Justin. I've saved them all and it's all full!! I was kinda worried, but then he left.
Good thing, maybe 30 min later. Justin would have sent me the usual morning inspiration text. uh-oh...lol But anyway. it was a note saying he wasn't giving up on me or us. blah blah blah

uh-oh. I was like damn! This shit is gonna be bad. I DO not want to hurt him, but he's making it hard for me. If I see Justin and blow him off, he'll be so hurt. Why can't he just see us as friends like what we are. Why does he have such a delusional view of us?!!?!? I told him 12 mo, 6mo, 3mo etc every time I felt like I was leaving the relationship and losing my feelings. I told him a million times. Yet he still thinks we are fine. It blows my mind!!
The only thing he DID notice was the one time I told him this WAS NOT going toward marriage, and he seemed shocked which freaked me out too! But I think that made a dent. But still, WTF? I don't get it....I have never been OUT of a relationship for so long without the other person eVEN notcing!!! SO bad!

Anyway, Justin was cool yesterday. But V and I went for a walk and he called and left a message. He hasn't texted me at all today. I think hes pissed about me not making time for us to meet up. I mentioned that it was old drama and that V went to my fashion show in Sav last weekend. But still, I am so afraid to meet him at my current weight. I will be SO crushed if he doesnt like me.
And I've been busting my ass, but it's a slow process. I've lost 10 lbs. in about 2 weeks, but I also went to Savannah on those 2 weekends and drank and stuff with my classmates etc.
I need to fast this week. I was going to today, but I layed out in the sun on the porch and was SO drained even though I drank tons of water. So, I ate a snack and then I was like okay what do i want for dinner? Then I worked it all off on the elliptical.

So, hopefully I'll still lose a lb. But I need faster results.
Oh btw, I graduate next weekend. yay!!!
kinda exciting but it came so fast after the fashion show drama.

I need to write a whole other entry about what happened there. Me and V in the rain on the beach, our screaming match with the police kinda, and partying in Sav.

I also want to tell the Justin story and write some of his amazing texts so I don't forget them. They are so cute! He's so good with words and such a guy I'd love!

anyway, i'm gonna try and call him real quick. V's coming at 9:30pm, but he really shouldn't stay here. I think this Friday and Sat, I'm gonna make him take some of his stuff to his place. I just didn't have time to do it today.

anyway thats the state of things!
we'll see how this V breakup thing goes. He's not taking it well and I'm afraid of the coming weeks. He's being Sooooo nice now! tempting me in all the ways with vacations, money, and every niceity possible. argh!

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