Dear Diary,

I really need to become a more regular writer in here. I think things are just too busy for me. Sometimes I think about it, but I just don't have the time. Graduation is coming up at the end of May and then I will be done with college! Scary!
I am trying to lose as much weight as possible before then, and then I am plannin a small vacay after that probably somewhere in Florida since I can drive there and save money. But beach bikini definitely means hella serious weight loss plan.
I tried to fast yesterday, but couldn't make it. I used to could do it SO easily. It drives me crazy!
I had a hydroxycut berry acai drink mix with water in the morning. Theres 5 cals in that so no big deal.
Then I had to go to school all day. Around 6pm even though I was sitting, I started feeling really bad. I felt kinda dizzy and hot, and really weak. I was getting a little worried. I was all ready to go downstairs and get a soda or juice drink when some of my teachers came in for our meeting. I ended up grabbing another piece of gum and having to sit through it.
It went away, but when I got home I needed to walk the dogs so I had a slim-fast drink mix with milk and then took the dogs for a 30min walk. I later had a chicken wrap and salad with my boyfriend. ugh
I could have said no, but I was all worried about feeling sick.
I HAVE to get over that. When you fast, sometimes you feel bad, but it passes. I just have to get over it.
I would like to restrict, but I need to lose so much weight before then.
I think I am going to get some of those 100 calorie packs and just munch on it throughout the day. At least it might keep me not feeling 'completely' hungry, and will help if I start feeling like that again. I think I'll still lose weight, but I'm not sure I can 100% water fast. I just cannot be feeling like that or passing out at this time. We are SO busy with senior collection!

I am supposed to have lunch with a friend tomorrow, but I will just get salad, and then I can workout later if I eat too many calories. I need to find a better way to balance all these things.
On another note, I am SO ready to break up with my boyfriend, and then I'm kinda not.
The relationship is SO dead, but we kinda live together and we are too busy to deal with the details of a break-up. It sounds crazy I know, but we are both so deeply entangled in this relationship. We kinda need each other right now for various reasons not related to the romantic relationship.
I really wanted to lose more weight before we break up though. I wanted to feel better about myself and more confident to go out and meet other guys. I have a long way until that, but I am determined to get there. No way do I want to break-up and still be fat and depressed AND alone on top of that.
My boyfriend is a tennis coach and works with women daily, not to mention he has a hot accent that I can't even hear anymore! If he wants, he can probably get any girl for a little while.
They'll go MIA when they realize all his problems, emotional issues, and low sex drive though! argh!
But whatever....that's ANOTHER story.
I want to be my best self so I can really move on. We might can be friend in the future because the romantic part of our relationship died forever ago. It's so weird b/c he's in denial. I straight up tell him how I feel and he gets upset, but he doesn't DO anything about it. I have told him many times how I am unhappy and how things aren't working. Then we have like one good day and he thinks everything is absolutely perfect again! Delusion! I've even tried to break up with him, but it won't stick and he talks me out of it. So, I am just trying to make myself better so I can get out clean and proud.
I'm going to do it after May. I'm going to keep dropping hints (and hopefully weight) so I can really start fresh. I NEEED it so bad. I NEED to be skinny and happy and relaxed and ready for the next steps in my life. I'm afraid that if I don't lose the weight, I will still not feel confident enough to go out there and meet other people, and that will make me depressed and easily able to fall back with him. It's so comfortable. But I cannot. I've even told OTHER people we are about to break up.
That HAS to be a sign. I've never done that. It came out of my mouth so easily, I hope I can actually do it. It all sounds so silly I know. If I were advising myself, I'd tell myself to get rid of him asap. But it's just not that easy when you have been wrapped up into each others lives for 2 years. I feel bad that he's alone here in the U.S. as well, it's not so easy to just shove him off. I care about him as a person.
but i could go on forever, anyway the basic plan is
under 400 cals a day
daily dog walks
exercise 3 days a week

heres to the future*!