Dear Diary,

haven't been on here in for-ever

things arent SO much better, but they arent the worst.

Me and V are still together..almost a year this May.
God, so glad I'm not in the restaurant business anymore...it was just sex and drugs.
V was my light out of that...my road back to me good person. the drugs and drama, and heartache were killin me....

V kinda saved me from that b/c he was such a good person, I could not deny. And I helped him integrate into society, to enjoy life, to live in America.

But, I'm moderately drunk now, and it's March and I worry if I can keep up this stiff moderate lifestlye until he wants to marry me, or move on b/c I want the drama and rockstar love???

I'm in that dilemia always now. I want to be easy and accept him and move forward, but am I gonna be happy in the long run? I don't know??

But anyway, I went to Amanda from Ulta's house tonight for a party. It was pretty fun. I wish I could talk more with Melanie, she's more my type of person though I'm smarter. We have a similar body shape and taste in guys.

She is like my bigger sister, I wish we could connect more...we could probably help each other.

I SO wanna be so anorexic now. After Vasil's mom goes, the Bulgarian girls would eat ONE chicken wing and be full. BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They would eat ONE and LIE that they were full b/c they have AN EA>T>I>N>G D>I>S>O>R>D>E>R!!! duh!!!

so stupid and gay!!! NO human being on this earth EATS ONE chicken wing and says they are completely full----thats bullshit~!! and we all know it!!

but it pissed me off...i wanna be so bad sometimes
I wanna scare people and be so anorexically scary, but my own will and self-love stops myself...

it's good and bad.
I want to prove to them, hey look at this.,
but then I dont want to hurt myself so bad and get caught up..
i know how easy it is to get so caught up....and then you are in it

but i wanna just fucking rip them a new one...like HEY LOOK AT ME~!
how hard can it be...i just have to like completley stop eating,
they have to notice
and it might take a while since I am overweight currently, but i wanna get there

i want them to understand that healthy is healthy and scary is scary...they judge so much..too much

i want to show them the reality, tell me what u think now bitch! seriously. how can people be so judgemental about such>?!?!?!?

Vasil is all worried b/c he gained weight from his mom cooking for him bfast lunch and dinner...and I havent noticed that much. He was never fat, but never built anyway. I feel like handing it to him on a platter and telling him, SO WHAT your not fat! You're not built like a real guy either! You might as well be fat!!!!

lol
But then he might judge me back which I cannot take. And if he did, we might have to break up forever.
i cant take it...but ya know..i find it funny how he judges himself in such a weird way...