Dear Diary,

new updates....
can't remember when i updated last, but basically. Finals are over. This quarter in school sucked. Like I think i said before....the motivation has left me.

I'm not sure why. I think it's just burn-out...i've been in college since 2001....6 years. I think I'm just like all.....tired of the scene. It doesn't freak me out to have stuff due...I ALWAYS have stuff due. I just don't wanna sweat it now. I feel like there are so much more important things to worry about...not like it's not important, but still.

so whatever.....long story short coz i dont want to get into the details of it, but for St. Patty's Day, I scored some coke from the dude I work with and Amanda and I partied together. Kinda sucked....I don't know wha tI was thinking. I could've cared less if we didn't do it, but I don't know.
The night got away from us and it was pretty late. It was Laura went with us, and I ran into C. Roberts. ....but whatever.. It was cool. Amanda and I did coke all night and talked like mad all night avout every single detail of our lives. In a way, it was good. I mean, drugs are bad and all, but we caught up on so much of our lives that have happened in between the times we've hung out. We talked a mile a minute of course, and didn't hold back on the emotional details and it was kinda freeing. Shes one of my coolest chill friends so it was fun to share everything with each other. We had a pretty good time. It just kinda sucked that we were doin the drugs. If I'm gonna hardcore party, I like to go it with a lot of people, at an afterparty, or at club or something. I'm not sure why. I just feel weirder doing lines on my bathroom tablestand with just one friend. lol

Amanda freaked out on me about the coke stuff for like 5 seconds though. I told her I'm not into it like that, and I know this sounds totally ridiculous to everyone. But I'm just not the 'drug addict' type. Go ahead and laugh, but seriously. It's just my soul and personality. Knowing it's wrong, and self-destruction and all that and everything that I am....I just could never keep doing it.
It's one thing for me to do it with friends, but I couldn't do it alone by myself. To me, that means you are reaching toward an addict status. You go from social to secluded. You are using just because or for a need, or to destract yourself. And I just can't look at myself in the mirror and do that. Coke's just not that strong of a drug to me. I can still think and look at myself and judge myself in the mirror. You don't forget.
I guess you can ignore, but thats what I'm saying about my personality. I cannot.
I have this philisophical old soul about me....and I know I want bigger things in life. I know these things weren't meant for me. Whatever, it probably sounds stupid but it's true.

i don't know....

i don't really feel like writing about this...just thought i should put it down. Anyway, I know I gotta start working on the things in life that "CAN" actually make me happy and feel good about myself. Nothing artifical can ever really do that for you. It's my artist mentality. I know drugs can't help me in my life. It can be a temporary distraction, but it's never gonna help you get any closer to success and happiness in your life.

I need to start making some goals and plans. The drug thing bothers me....it just feels like I am messing up whenever i wake up the day after. I know I don't think it's a big deal, but it's weird. I feel bad the next day or after when I see my parents or visit home. It's like...if they knew what I was doing last night...they'd freak out. And it's not the madness that would bother me....it's my parents disappointment. They are really backing me these days and being a great support. We don't fight anymore and they trust and respect me now. We have a pretty great relationship, and I'd hate to disappoint them. That'd be worse than a lot of things that I could do to myself. I know it sounds lame, but seriously...if you knew the things my parents have done for me in the past years...it's so ridiculous. They have gone the extra mile, and I'm finally not being a bitch about it, and I am respecting them and am greateful for it all.

Anyway, so my new quarter starts in a week. I am thinking about dropping my speech class and only taking 2 classes. If I can work it out, I may try and do it. The online speech class is too demanding, and you have to like record your speeches in front of a group of 10 approved people. So gay! I totally can't do that for each speech and how are you supposed to record it? I don't know...I read through the syllabus, and it's a freakin nightmare.

I could take 3 studio classes, but I don't wanna kill myself. Not sure what I'm gonna do yet, but I'll decide soon.

Other than that, I am going to Vegas in 2 weeks. I'm not sure exactly how I am paying for it just yet, but Amanda put it on her credit card so I just gotta pay her back. I get paid in 2 weeks, but on the day after we leave, so I gotta have some more money up front before then. Still, it should be totally kickass. I just hope work will definitely give it off to me!! I really hope so. I might have to flirt with Baldwin...lol He's making our schedules now...haha
They better give it to me off though...if not, I'll just walk.
I'm thinking about gettin out anyway. I just don't wanna be around the drugs and gossip anymore. I love one chick I work with, and then again I like some of the people, but still... It just seems to be getting a more and more negative environment to be in. Plus, school has been taking up way more time now since I am in art school. It's not like any of my previous colleges. I had more time to do everything, and I worked like 2 part-time jobs and took a full load. Here I'm on the quarter system though and that makes a big difference. Plus, making an art project takes up SOoooo much more time than writing one measely paper or studying for a test for a few hours.

On another tip, I am seriously craving a relationship now. Don't know why, cause usually I love being single and don't care. I like being able to hang with one guy for a bit, switch it up, or just be solo. But lately, the relationship bug has hit me.
Oh, my ex-boyfriend Brent is getting married. I was shocked, but happy for him. You can read in my entries...I never really loved him. I loved him as a friend, but that real love was never there.
It weirds me out though b/c I thought he didn't even like that girl that much. He was texting me not too long ago to send him naked text pics. (which of course i did NOT), and other flirty stuff. So, wtf>??? Then he proposed? Weird. I wanna sit down with him some night before he does the big thing and ask him about all that. I just couldn't when he first told me.... I had to say congratualtions. It'd have been rude to be like, 'what the hell are u thinkin, u just wanted to sleep with me a few weeks ago?!?' hahaha

anyway, don't know what to do about it since my love life has been as dry as the desert lately.
I'm really going to make a big huge effort to get in shape after las vegas though. I'm restricting until the trip and then I'm goin on a diet, with exercise.
I gotta get healthier if I wanna feel better about myself and have a decent relationship. I just know i have to start trying to do it the right way for once.

so ironic...i just said before that i am fast/restricting...oh well...old habits die hard.
peace out~