Dear Diary,

The scale just told me the worst number -ever!!
I am fasting today, but still...it's the beginning of the day. I am only hoping I am retaining some water or else I'm gonna be super pissed and super OCD about these 5 days of fasting.
I got on the scale pretty much right after I woke up, so it might not be exactly right.
They say to weight 2 hours after waking and 2 hours before bed. It has changed before if I weight a little later in the day.

But still...that number freaks me the f out because that will be the highest I have ever been. Eck!

Anyway, I had these bad dreams last night...like awful.
I was drunk and wondering around this hotel/club/bar scene. Friends were there partying, but I was like wasted drunk, looking crappy, being stupid and wondering around the place. Just that feeling of no control. I guess.
I felt awful..it was the closest thing to a nightmare for me.
It was similar to this feeling I had once when i went out to this night club, and I think someone put a roofie in my drink. One minute I was talking with a friend and fine, the next minute, I was incohereant in the bathroom throwning up and passed out. The staff was so wonderful, but I was out of my mind, confused, tired, sick... They drug me arund, splashed water in my face, and all I could feel was disappointment. It wasnt drunkness....but I thought it was at the time. I was disappointed in myself for letting me get like that...even at the time. It was like I knew what was happening on the outside...like watching myself sitting on the bathroom floor.... So later, I knew it wasnt a drunken thing, but at the time....i was mad at myself because it was happening, but I had no control over my body.
That sense of loss of control over my own body has haunted me to this day. The fact that I knew what was going on, and literally couldnt function. I have better common sense than to drink myself into a position like that. I've actually never been like that from drinking. Even when I was 18 and drinking cheap liquor, I got sick a few times, but not where I wouldnt walk..and then you arent cohereant really mentally.
That scary time was different. It was like me watching myself in a dream. I knew what was happening, I kenw it was bad, I was so disappointed....but my body wasnt there...it wasnt connected. I can only think this is because of a drug, and it was in a famous huge nightclub in nyc.

But anyway, my dream was similar to that. I was wondering around the place, running into friends who were seeing me in that condition...while my mind wanted me to stop and go to my room etc....but my body did it's own thing. I sloshed around obliterated running into people, going to my room, coming back out, friends were looking for me. It was just bad...that feeling of no control.

So, though that was bad for me. I woke up this morning more than 100% dedicated to this fast. Having an e.d. is about control. And I feel like I have lost some control over my body. And I'm taking it back starting today, and I am even more focused because of that dream.
I dont ever wanna be like that, I hate that feeling. It scares me. Not that I dont drink anymore, but I won't drink that same drink that I had that night anymore regardless that it might not be the actual reason, and I am just super careful drinking now.
I felt so helpless then...in that drugged alcohol state....i felt like it was the end of my life. Really. It bring tears to my eyes a little...because I mentally remember that feeling of helplessness. I just wanted to get out of there, but I couldnt.

Never gonna feel like that again, but i gotta take control over my body first.
Day 1 here we go...water/vitamins.