Dear Diary,

bleh....this diet is NOT going so well, but alas...i have found some killer thinspiration...and i think im destined now.

let me explain...

anyway, today (again stuck in the apt, but i got 2 callbacks,yah!) i ate half a bagel with cream cheese and water, and that was it all day....until like 6:00 rolled around...i ate two pieces of bread with peanut butter spread on one side, again with water....and THEN my roomate coerces me at 8:30 pm when she FINALLY gets home to go eat with her. Bleh.

So i ended up eating a whole turkey club and fries with a diet coke.

yuck.
but i guess it coulda been even more binge-outrageous....(sigh)

BUT

I watched this supermodel thing on tv today, and I've been getting offers to model from people who see my pictures, mainly facial or partial body, and I am just annoyed and exhausted of my pathetic life.

I mean, people have *always* told me I should be a model, blah, blah, blah. And the truth is, I always HAVE wanted to be one. Well, sort of. I would love to do it and travel and all the glamourous things, but I also believe it's kind of a vacant career. Very demaning, and let's face it, not a big talented job. It does take a lot of work, but it's not exactly getting your masters degree or anything. So, I always wanted to do it for a while and then move on to something a little more....with substance.
But ya know.
I've never been skinny enough, or able to lose enough weight to actually do it.
Now, I'm def overweight, not like a lot, and you probably wouldn't even call me fat if you saw me on the street. But still, not model skinny, and I have a ways to go to get there.
But I'm like frustrated. I keep getting invited and comments, and casting people asking for me to audition and all this. AND I FEEL LIKE I AM WASTING PRECIOUS OPPORTUNITIES!!
Every time! It just tears at me the way i get all of these wonderful opportunities, yet the only thing holding me back is ME and my WEIGHT. Like wtf?!? I'm holding ME back from my wildest dreams!
Do you know how frustrating that is?!? And especially since it's not exactly a quick thing to fix.

Here I am in the city of dreams, jobless, and all these great modeling offers are around...and they could make me money but i can't take them. I feel so stupid wasting these opportunities. One of them is this amazing event, where everyone gets discovered, but I'm too embarasses to go. I mean, honestly, I couldn't go. They'd be like, um, no. "Your very pretty and all, but lose like 50 lbs!" I mean, it'd go something like that.

But dammit, I'm 22! I should be living up my twenties! (I'm not trying to be supermodel, i'm pretty much too old and not quite tall enough) But fashion and catalogue modeling is the most money-making part of the business.
I don't know.
I'm not like a die-hard wanna-be model or anything, but it's like ONE thing I know I have. I have a pretty unique good look, and ya know, I was born with it and I'm thankful. I'm very thankful, but ya know being pretty doesn't get you any-where unless you have the total package.

So, I'm missing out on all the fun, and I'm TIRED of it!!
What the hell am I waiting for?? It's so stupid. I live my life all wrapped around what I et or don't eat anyway, I already pretty much have an eating disorder...i mean, come on! There really is no danger for me in the biz.
I've already done the drugs, I've already had my share of hot flings, and I already have an e.d.. So really, nothing I do in that business is gonna change what I already have.

It'd be pretty much like my normal life, but way more glamorous, and I'd get paid!

lol

I just am so mad at myself, ya know. Not being prepared for these opportunities and being in nyc. And not having a job and having these $$ money opportunities coming, and not being able to let it be my saving grace. I just am so mad about it.
Is food, and eating, and trying to be healthy and normal really all that important?!?
i'm not happy like this.

oh.....i don't wanna get into the rationale...i know what the real deal is. It's obvious.
I just wanna not have to eat. Not have to worry about my stupid health. Not have to CARE so much about something I can't fix.

i don't know....i just hate being in NEW YORK CITY, like i wanted to, and NOT be prepared for these wonderful opportunities. And they could be my only chances, ya never know.
And it's my fault they are wasted.

So I can either deal with is, and give up my dreams and stay fat and extremely unhappy and jobless,
or do something about it, f-in lose weight, make some money, and create a glamorous opportunity for myself.

Opportunity is staring me in the face, but I can't bear to look back. And it's my own fault.
I can't let it be this way.
---

So anyway, besides that, I have a job interview with a gym tomorrow. Coincidence? hmm....
AND this guy whom I had a big crush on before I lefts band is playing Saturday night right down the street from me...oddly enough.
I met this guy in my college town in the south, and kept running into him. He knew i was leaving and one morning at like 3am when we hung out, he left and then texted me if i wanted to hook up with him.
I thought he was different. He was all indy, quiet, yet nice, and artistic. So, I was like pissed, we'd only hung out like twice and once was at a concert, and not a date. So, i kinda freaked on him, and he acted like that wasn't what he meant and turned it around on me. But bullshit, he meant it. And if i hadn't been leavng, and I didn't like him so much, I woulda done it.
Oddly enough, I can't really just sleep with any guy I really really like. I just can't because my feeling get involved and I don't want to. lol It's weird. I feel sorry for the guys though. If I have slept with them, it's because I don't give a crap about them, and it's funny because those are the guys that like fall madly in love with me, and i can't get rid of them.
One is still calling me asking me if I am gonna ever come back to the south. Hes nice and pretty cute, but i just wasn't into him. I just liked partying and havin fun with him.

But anyway, this guy...hmm..he has an awesome name, but lets pseudo-name him ..lol...jared leto.
haha
Well, the actor Jared Leto IS in a band and is really hot and sort of a indy actor...so we'll let him be my pseudo-hot band guy okay.

Anyway, my "jared leto" and his band (hes the lead singer and wayyy hott) has only been playing in the south and around my college town. And for some reason, they are now coming to nyc, and playing in manhattan on friday, and brooklyn on sat.
So i checked out the manhattan locale figuring on going to that show, but it was confusing to figure out where it was, the cover was weird, and it was like you couldn't come in before the actual show u were seeing (1am), um yuck.
So, i checked out brooklyn. Turns out, the place they are playing is RIGHT down my street...as in I can WALK to the show and home afterward!! wtf?? Because there are only a few clubs or cool bars by me, so it's really really weird that it is so close.
Williamsburg is the hip place, so it's strange the show isn't closer to there instead of me.

So, my friend Laura says it's FATE. lol And I like thinking maybe it is...but i kinda doubt it. It's cool that it's like this though. I wonder how he's gonna be.
I posted something about it on their myspace band page, but idon't know if he authors the page or another band member, so he may not see it or notice.
I am thinking about text messaging him something about it beforheand so he'll know I'm there, but I'm afraid he might blow it off, and then I'll show up anyway....bleh.
But then I'm also afraid that if they don't have friends in nyc, they may just play and go home or wherever and not stick around the show?!?

hmm....I'm afriad if I text msg him, he might not immediately remember who i am. It was a while ago, and we only hung out briefly. IDK. I need a way to be cool about it, and not like, oh, i still kinda like you kinda way. I just need to be like, "oh, ur comin to nyc. cool. i might check it out if i have time. " ya know...lol
I think too much about crap like this. Seriously.
I never used to worry so much. But college life, and my previous depression, and the e.d. have all contributed to me being highly sensitive about everything. I worry so much now about things that haven't even happened! My best friend from h.s. who is now my roomate in nyc also noticed.

I pretty much haven't seen her much throughout college, and she said she never thought i worried SO much. So that means it has gotten bad.

anyway, i hope i see him and we talk and it's really really cool, and we like hit it off, and have this amazing connection and continue some long-distance flirting til he gets big and famous all The Bravery and The Killers like, and by then, I'm a model, and we are rockstar and model dating....
lol..ah bliss.

i'm too creative and imaginative for my own good.....running wild....
but ya know, that would be hott if it happened...
one can wish..

so job interview tomorrow, trying not to eat much. i'm supposed to meet K for lunch on the upper west side, but only coz shes takin me to this couture clothing store that needs extra help. I agreed to meet her for lunch so we could go do that, but maybe I can just get a salad and a diet coke or something.

anyway, wish me luck for the job interview, and for Saturday night!!
i already planned out the hoTt outfit...i hope it turns out to be cool!!

peace out~