Dear Diary,

ugh...i feel like shit today. Job searching in nyc sucks balls! I feel like I've submited so much and resume after resume, and job interview after interview.
I'm tired of searching and really feeling disgruntled about the whole thing. Like after waiting this long, i want an awesome job now. Or something.

I'm so stressed and out of my mind. I just am having a hard time being optimistic after a 2 or 3 weeks however long it's been.
I actually have an audition today at 3pm for a somewhat reality tv show. Yeah, yeah i know. Gay. The only reason I even considered going was because a casting agent came up to me and thought I would be good for the show. But I don't think they actually get paid to do it, and the show is pretty lame. It's really not my thing. Not exploitation. I'm not really a reality tv seeker, if i was on tv, I'd want it to be for the right reasons and not some lame ass dating show.
It could be fun, but it could also be stupid and scripted, and i refuse to sell out and be the "bitchy" girl or something like that. It's just too much of the artist in me....i can't work with anything creative if I don't believe in it.

So, I don't know. I haven't decided if I am going. I would go, but I'm feeling so crappy as of late. Like really crappy. Bad mood and don't feel like doing anything. It's just this job rut thing, and not having a place. I don't wanna just take the next job offered to me, but as of the way things are going, I'm going to have to. And that sucks.
I was planning on going back to school in nyc in either spring or next fall, but i don't know, if this job search doesn't go well, I might just enroll as soon as possible and get a part-time job to keep.
I'm just so frustrated.

I do have a job interview at a sort of plastic surgery office on park avenue which could be pretty good. But in the past, they say they have only accepted people from ivy league colleges etc, whivh is dumb i think. If I went to one of those schools, I'd be working somewhere better and for much more money than they are paying! But it's still pretty decent and could be somewhat fun and interesting. I'm gonna have to dress to the nines for it though. Not that it's a problem, but it's always weird for me to go back and forth in between the art world and the coroporate world.

Because I'm totally an artist with funky style, but to be in the coroporate world, I have to have a polished mad style-free look. And it's weird for me to have to get dressed day to day and pick out clothes. Punked out look vs. corporate america...i must be perplexin to the neighbors i pass down the street everyday.

Anyway, I just needed to get this yucky feeling out. I need to do something soon though. Too much time on your hands and bad feelings do not equal good things. And I def don't wanna fall back anywhere near depression. That shit sucked so bad. I don't wanna be back in that, but I'm seeing warning signs now.
I need something to freakin happen!! To get me out of this rut and onto something exciting, more important.

I don't guess I'm gonna go to the casting. I should, but I feel so yucky and I definitely don't feel like going in and talking about myself and feeling all confident b/c I don't right now. And they will wanna typecast you, and I just don't feel like playing a part today. I'm too mixed up right now, and it'd probably just make this all worse to go in and have them ask you, "so who are you, what do you do, and what is your stlye?" and questions like that. I'm likely to freak out on them or either just be devoid of enthusiasm. Not a good time to have to answer those questons.
I still feel guilty for having the appointment though, but I'm sure some psycho obsessed fame-craving fan will get the part and play the tackiest worst bitch the show has ever seen and it'll be great for them. So, ya know. It'll all work out anyway.

Gah...i just wish I could feel better. Something good needs to happen already! I need to move on and get things going. I hate this "in-between" stage...waiting for something to happen.
yuck...i guess i'm gonna go get ready, put on some light make-up, brush my teeth and at least not look as crappy as i feel. I need to take the dogs out and for a walk anyway.
Blehjhhh....something good better have happened before i write my next entry. wish the good luck karma my way....

ciao