Dear Diary,

fuck it just erased everything i wrote.
so i repeat.. this is an important entry by the way, so do read.
but basically, it sucks-life sucks. i am at 186. and of course we are talking about weight. are we ever not??? and it's worse cause i've abused myself and still i get no where.
it'd be better to hurt myself but loose the weight, but instead i hurt myself and still don't. It's WAY worse. A chunk of me dies every time i fail...and ha i wish that was literal. but it's not... and i feel even lower when i fail...

how many days i trudged to and from the art building for class or work on an empty stomach, filled with maybe some juice, heart punding, light-headed....sleepless nights, or sleep-filled nights from being so tired. tired...i'm always tired. but still i have nothing to show..no loss, except myself..and dammit...i am dying. my soul is.

i cant even be good at hurting myself! dammit! what is that?!?!

and dammit i know Jed didn't like me b/c i was too fat. and i'm not used to boys not liking me...they always just do, but i guess i havent put myself on the line in a while, or not since i was 155 in highschool. But i thought my personality and good looks would win him over. We had been talking, he seemed to like me, he was even eager to talk to me. I could tell he liked me.

but then....we met. i think he wasnt as excited. thank God i was a smidge intoxicated or else i might have noticed...

i was cool though, talkative, charming, intelligent, pretty....but it wasn;t enough...

i couldn't wear my cool stylish clothes because I COULDN"T FUCKIN FIT INTO THEM!!

instead i had to wear what fit me and looked decent, which was too dressy and not rockst*aR cool.... he was so fuckin stylish though....damn i loved his outfit, his style, his personality, and i thought he liked me...but not after we met

i sensed some distance...and now i bet he has blocked my screen name or something...but dammit i'm not one of those obsessive girls.. at least not to him.. i won't talk to him if he doesn't want me too...he doesnt have to go out of his way... i know when i'm down.... i'm the perceptive one remember!

well i was down about that, and then i went out with Sarah and Laura and ran into my short but cute old neighbor who is a cute guy in a well-known rock band around here. I thought he was cute but short, so I never ever initiated things. Short boys, plus i'm bigger in more ways than one... i dont look way fat or anything, but i dont look skinny....and i am cute, but not hot or gorgeously perfect how i would like people to describe me and how they used to when i was in the prime around 10th grade. Long blonde hair, beautiful, the make-up came together, i had style, boys were falling at my feet....all kinda of boys..older ones, ones from other schools..hell one even followed me to college later..(TJ guy), and then i was okay at 155....still beautiful but on the edge...then i fucked it up with the stupid valdosta people...being broken-up with, hating life there, and giving in to food and useless crap...i hurt myself on purpose. i got fat on purpose to abuse myself, but i never would have let myself go like that if i knew i could never get back...i hate it

but now...the other rock guy, Brandon...he's cool, he liked me, but then i talked to him later and he seemed a little distant...which i don't know that i mind. I wasn't sure i could get over the shortness. It'd be TOTALLY hard me being bigger AND taller than him....
but he might've remembered what i looked like, and he knew the next morning...and i was taller so he probably didnt like that either....so again...let down...

and i dont have the self-esteem for all this....i have zero already..and my last ditch attempts are failing....i wanna be thin more than anything...well not more than my music dreams, but almost...

i'd give up my whole life for 5 years of musical success and joy in my life, for just those 5 years...it'd mean more to me than the rest, and of course it'd be cool to continue, but i'd choose it over a life without that in it.

random i know...but i had to state it in writing coz i mean it.

but why.....i hate my life, how much more cna i abuse myself...shit. I can't even lose weight on random drugs and not eating...wtf?!?
Am i gonna have to turn to cocaine next?!? Those addicts are alwasy skinny... i know not for good reason though and of course i dont want to hurt myself like THAT! but i am gettin fuckin desperate....like REALLY desperate....i cant live like this...i cant..its not me...im trapped in this fat body. and i hate myself...

i got to get out...i have to....

so tomorrow i am fasting...i have work from 5am-12pm at Rich's....then nothing...
Monday, I'll try to fast on my own, then either Tues or Wed., I'll take the adderall i have left to keep me from getting hungry when i get to the all inclusive DAY 4! I gotta get by that day. Adderall will help me through it no sweat, but i only have 2 left. I shoulda saved some for a longer period of days. I just gotta get going though....and keep it going...

i will survice on a diet of water, juice, pills, vitamins, and alcohol. Sounds good. Not all that healthy, but good for weight loss, minus the alcohol.... but thats to ignore everything, feel self-confident and manage to have SOMe fun on the weekends....
i wanna be my normal old weight by Christmas which is asking a lot, and then i wanna be 135-150 by next semester starting Jan. 10th. I wanna be a new me when i start that new semester...skinny, beautiful, wearing my cool art clothes or whatever i can put together in my ensemble of TONS of clothes in my closet..

i will be. i have to be. or i will die trying... i hate this. i'll do anything to get away...anything!