Dear Diary,

I am so depressed and sad right now and i don't even know why. Maybe it's the weather. I don't know.

Things are just going all wrong lately and I am so lost it's crazy. I just feel like giving up on everything...my life is going no where.

I just feel terrible, yet I tend to be optimistic so it's hard for me to just be sad for real ya know?

I don't currently have a major here at college cause i cant get into the one i thought i wanted, but now i have to register for classes soon, or pretty much i was already supposed to.

But I have to meet with my adviosr and I am dreading it because I don't know what to do. I don't know what to take? I don't know what I wanna do anymore. There is no ONe major that just jumps out at me as the thing i should do for the rest of my life. And it's EXTREMELY important for me to do the thing I am supposed to do and would be best at because i know what happens to people when they make the wrong choices or just pick a random major just to graduate.

I just am SO lost right now....i missed my last career center appointement and then the guy went on vacation and hes probably pissed about it. So, I really need to write him an email and apologize and try to set up another time with him. It sucks. But even then, i know all of the majors information and I dont even know how he can help me.

I feel so lost.

Like every day is wasted. And most of the time it is. I have such a pathetic class schedule this semester yet I don't even have another job.... I applied for like 5 and didn't get them though. I don't know what the deal is.

And I need to find a place to live next year cause I can't afford my rent here since my current roomate is moving out. But my parents are freaking out and pissed cause they dont want to pay any more money for me to live anywhere else. And I told them I was gonna get a job and pay the difference along, with my already paid utilities, but they are all freaking out that I need to find a roomate.

I don't want to keep moving every damn year though, and I don't want to live with some complete stranger, only to have them move out on me next year, and then I'd be in the same predicament again!! So, I told them I'd pay the difference, but their like 'u dont even have a job yet!' Which technically isn't true because I do have a job right now, although it pays next to nothing. But it's a job. And I am looking for another one. I applied for 2 more already. I think I had a good chance at one, but my current employer missed the reference phone call, and who knows if he got back with them, and they said they'd say who the hired by this Thursday. I hope I get it. It would seriously get my life back into gear and give me something to do with all my wasted time.

I just feel so drained of life lately. Like I have nothing to get out of bed for really except for the fact that I'm supposed to get out of bed normally. And I have class and work, and to take the dog out and stuff like that to do, but I'm just not interested in any of it.

I think it boils down to my purpose in life, and my career. I don't know where I am going or what I am doing and I have no goal to work for; therefore, I feel lost and completely unmotivated.

I still don't know what to do though. I have to register ASAP! Most people already have, but I don't know what to register for?!?! What classes am I gonna take next semester??

And my parents are all freaking out about financial aid money and crap like that to pay for an apartment, yet they dont give a shit that their daughter is going no where. They don't even care that I feel so lost in school, and dont even have any classes to take. All the care about, is money for rent, and blah blah blah.....

I swear, if i was a excellent liar, they would probably never be involved in my life. They just aren't involved unless I make them. They aren't actively involved in my life. They dont care what I do or where I live or how I'm doing. As long as they think I'm okay, they don't care whats going on with me. I swear, I could be like a traveling circus wanderer, and just call them and bs about college and they'd be perfectly fine with everything. It's crazy! And it hurts me because I need help and I need guidance, and it's not there. And I can't help myself cause I feel so lost.

Idk, this is starting to be a sad entry and I can't stand writing stuff like this, but sometimes you just need to get it out where you can. And in this case, I guess my diary is the only place.

I need something to hold onto....my life keeps moving every day, but i keep slipping farther away......

on another note:

food for today:

-two peppermints

-one medium bananna-rasberry smoothie

-water

estimated cals so far: 230-350??

i gotta get ready to leave for class.....man it's a rainy, wet, gross day outside...yuck

WEARING: bout to change coz it's cold outside now!

LISTENING TO: bout to be Smashing Pumpkins

MOOD: Sad and dejected