Dear Diary,

Hey Everyone!!

Yes, I am in a Good mood!! :D

So many better things have happened lately!! My last entry was a little crazed, but I did good. I am now on the end of Fasting Day 2. Yah! And I am doing so good. I met 2 really cool girls in the past 2 days too!~ I met some girl on the bus and we talked for-ever, and then the bus route stopped, and she was on the wrong bus, and she was SO FAR away from her dorm, so I offered to drive her over to her dorm cause my stop was the last stop. It was really cool, and then-I met this other girl who knew a friend of mine today. We talked about stuff for forever too.

Also, I HAVe THE STORY OF A LIFETIME to tell ya'll! Ok, it's really just for my benefit, but you can't even imagine how i feel about it!!

Well, does anyone remember my Ex, Scott, the one that was an asshole to me when we got to college, although we had dated for like 3 1/2 years on and off and had been great friends. Yeah-he treated me like shit at college, and I got hurt. But then I got over it slowly, and am not more pissed off than ever, but a while back--- I wrote an entry about how I was gonna go back and visit my friends down at the same college he goes to, and casually drop by all thin, and drop-dead gorgeous, just to let him know what he's missing out on. I was gonna just go by and say hey and act like I hadn't changed at'all.

So, anyway, I was still planning on doing that. But then he calls me this Wednesday night and drops a bomb on me! Ok, i know he dated some people over the course of the summer, but he always told me that the girl he was dating was too serious, and that she was a "cute" girl. But he never acted like it was anything big ya know. Well, he calls me last night and confesses to me that he's still in love with me, and that he has been thinking about me 24/7 since I wrote him some email, and he is really nervous about seeing me when i come to visit.

WHAT THE HELL?! I mean, this is like the coolest shit for me to hear thou. I mean, can you imagine how I am feeling when he says this? Like Hell Yeah bitch; you want me back--haha! I knew it! But ya know; it's only cause he hurt my feelings so much. He didn't even act like he cared when I left that college. I kept trying to tell him that that would really be the end when i left, and how things really would change, but he never payed any attention and just called me "overally dramatic". Yeh who was right? Uh-huh. SO, part of me wants to just blow his ass off ya know. Too little too late kinda thing, but then again, I do still have a few feelings for him.

But don't worry, I'm watching my back. He won't get the best of me again, I promise!

Anyway, so he starts asking me about who have I been dating, and then into what kinda of physical stuff I have done w/them.. Well, umm..I've had sex w/people other than him, although he doesn't know that and they were a while back, but we werent officially dating when that happened. But still--he'd get pissed if he knew. So, I just told him I had kissed some guys here and there since i left etc. Then I asked him, and we kinda went back forth asking more intimate questions. Well, he starts getting kinda far, and then says he doesn't know if I can handle what hes about to tell me. Then I'm like.....

shit! no way....

he cant be about to tell me what I think he is, cause he wasn't acting like he was gonna tell me something of THAT degree!???

I thought he was gonna say like they just did "sexual favors" for each other or something..

Keep in my mind, Scott has never had sex or done anything big w/anyone else but me, and he thinks I have done the same as he has.

Then he tells me.

It hits me like a ton of bricks.

i couldn't believe it. The've been having sex.

Then I was just kinda speechless.

I didn't have a right to be mad, but i was.

He really liked the girl too.

Thats what hurts the most, I coulda dealt w/a one night stand thing, but he has been going out w/her for a month, and they have been doing it for 4 whole weeks! ahhh--i can't even write that w/o cringing!! :o He's not the kinda guy to do that. He's not a cheating/player type of guy although he wishes he could be.

I asked how many times?

He wouldn't give me an exact number, but from what i did get out of him, it's between 10-20 times.

WHAT THE HELL!?!!!

10-20???? Thats a lot! You have to really comfortable w/someone to have sex w/them 10-20 times!! It starts getting into routine and stuff. It's not like a 1-nite stand where you don't have to see them again. I can't believe he did that in less than a month!! For his second time ever?? With a girl he knows ZERO about as far as her background is concerned??

I am still kinda upset, but then I think, I can't really be upset, but I am. It hurts worse that he actually has feelings for her and slept with her. That means he does like her to some degree which means competition for me. Not that I want him back so bad; I actually don't. I don't want a serious relationship right now. But I don't want her to have him, and i DO still have feelings for him. idk. It is so confusing. I can't get past the sex thing though. I can't imagine him being able to do relationship type stuff w/someone else?? I mean, most of the times I've had sex w/people other than him were kinda one-time deals etc. Ya know? It was more like acting or something, it wasn't real. Or it didn't matter to either of us ya know. Just instant pleasure....

But he did all the relationship stuff....you can't be acting for a whole month! How can he? And how can he like THAT girl enough to do that? And then he likes me too? WTF?

I got mad at him and said that I was NOT going to be on any "list" w/his back-up girl. He really wanted me to tell him something about what I felt then, so he'd know what to do about that girl. Like--he wants to keep her around if I'm not gonna be like, "oh, yes I love you SO mUch...:P" Whatever. That shit ain't cool!!

Hell no!

I told him I could not say anything at that time cause he had thrown so much at me. I told him I wanted to see how it went when we see each other in person, and we'd go from there.

BUT--what the hell is he gonnna do in the meantime? He admitted he likes me, so you don't just keep leading that girl on by sleeping w/her!! But I'm afraid he might. Oh---and if he does--whoah, we are gonna have an argument! Cause thats just not right. He should be trying to back things off now.

But Now I have SO MUCH FREAKIN' motivation to lose weight. Scott works at this popular bar, and I said i'm sure me and some of my friends will go out there when i visit. He was worried, cuz he said it would be weird cause that girl would be there too.

OK, It's ON, now! I am going to show that girl up so bad!! She's not going to be able to hold a candle to me!! I'm going to be so thin and just amazing-looking. Ya'll just don't know!! I am going ALL out--no holds barred!!! He's gonna take one look at me, and look at that girl and be like, "Who Are You???"!! hahaha It's going to be awesome.

Also, I don't think she knows who i am, so although, I'd really luv to just straight up kick her ass, I'm think I am going to talk to her in front of Scott while he's working...hehe He'll be sweating bullets wondering what we're saying. I'm just gonna make a comment about him, and see if she says, oh, he's my boyfriend, and then I am gonna be all "friendly" and ask her how long they been dating and other info. that I might need to know... it'll be good, cuz Scott will have already told me stuff like if he broke up w/her, so I'll find out the REAL truth from her.

I can hardly wait. I wish I was going right away, but then again--I still have some weight to lose! But I am so motivated. Everytime I think about eating, I just think about that girl and him, and how hot I need to be to wow scott, and every single teeny, weeny, tiny thought about food is just gone w/o a trace. It wouldnt be worth it to eat.

>>This is seriously 'Lethal Motivation.' I hope it does the job w/o getting too out of hand, but really-right now, I'd rather chew my right arm off right now before I would take a bite of food. I'm serious, because it means too much to me. And now, the going to see Scott thing has a totally whole new meaning......

I don't know what'll happen, and I'm definitely not just gonna welcome him w/open arms. I'm still pissed about how he treated me, and I haven't forgotten. But you can be for damn sure, I'm not gonna let that bitch have him!~ So, we'll see what happens.

, I am going to visit in 4 weeks. Enough time to lose a good bit of weight, and still be semi-healthy. I'll keep you updated on it though. But man, it is SUCH a good feeling to hear someone crawling back to you after they acted like an ass to you! I really wanna just say Fuck Off--to Scott kinda, but i do still have some feelings for him, but thats definitely what he deserves!!

i know i wrote a whole lot, but it was such a major thing!! and it has consumed my every thought lately. But won't this be a really cool story, if it turns out in a happy ending, and I do end up looking way hot and stealing him back!? hopefully so....

Until tommorrow---

Day 3 is always rough, so i gotta catch some Zzzz's and dream about how thin I'll be and what size clothes I'll be able to wear etc. I've already lost 6 lbs. since I started the fast, so I'm on my way!!

--Look Out Girl, I'm Re-Claiming what's mine!!~ lol;)