Dear Diary,

I feel like crap. Not only did I eat a lot more today. On top of it all, I am sitting here at my computer wasting time and not doing my homework, when my roomate brings me some pictures from last years spring break. We had gone to Panama City Beach, Flordia with some guy friends. I had an OK time, but I mostly felt shitty cause i had gained weight while i was at college, and then had to put on a bathing suit. I really wanted to go somewhere for spring break though so I went. We were going with some other guy friends as well, but none I considered more than anything but a friend so I didn't feel weird around them too much. But then she brought back these pictures.

And I had a few of me that I didn't like that I had taken, but she gave me some of her doubles and OHMIGOSH--I think I am going to die!!! I LOOK SO FAT!!! It's like whatever my most unflattering angle is, a picture was taken at it. I'm usually pretty photogenic, but not in these pics!! THEY ARE UNBELIEVABLY TERRIBLE and EMBARASSING!!!!! I wanna just cry until i can't anymore!! I look like some strange person. I have been in such denial, but these pics make me see what i looked like then, and it's hard to deny anything about that! you know how some pictures can be bad just because of the angle or the things you cut off or not?? Well, someone cut half of my stomach off but then got some part of it back in and oh--its terrible. I wish i could burn all of these!! AND the worst part is: my friend has to have the doubles and what if she puts them in a photo album to show other people?!?!?!!!! and my head is tilted down cause we had to lean up from laying down so i almost have a double shin just because of that angle although i really don't have extra fat there or anything.... I'm going crazy! I wanna cry. These depress me.

I would like to throw them away, but i think i am going to keep them and look at them every night as motivation. See what i do not wanna be and motivate myself to do better. I hate this. I hate food. I hate fat. Why do we have to eat? I would be perfectly fine not eating, but unfortunately you get sick when you dont eat for so long and I cant be ill all the time, but i dont wanna eat either. ohhh---I don't wanna look like that picture; I don't want people to see me like that. I DOn't wanna be that ugly person in that picture. I don't care what it takes, I am gonna lose a ton of weight. I don't even care about health much. I can't afford to keep feeling like this or being stuck. I think I'm just gonna go all out and see what happens. If I get sick, then maybe I'll eat an apple and go to sleep, but no extra food, and if my roomates start suspecting i'm losing weight so fast, then screw them, let them think what they want. I'm a girl on a mission, and nothing is gonna stop me. No food tommorrow, and none until I feel violently ill!! I will walk instead of taking the bus, and exercise within reason whenever i can. I have to MAKE this happen for myself!!!!!

I WON'T STOP UNTIL I LOSE EVERYTHING, AND THEN WHAT IS REAL WILL REMAIN!!!!!!!!