Dear Diary,

Ok, SO today I went pretty well for not eating. My relatives were still here until like 5 pm, and I didn�t eat w/them all day, and it was kinda bad cause my mom and sister kinda joked around about me not eating. I told them I was drinking my slim-fast etc. And my mom tried to be all funny and say, �your not purging are ya, you know vomiting and all that?haha� Then my sister gets mad cause my mom said the word vomit, etc, and my mom and her argue about it, and I say No! Then my mom says, �I know you know about it- Paula Abdul!� She was trying to be funny cause I did a report in like the 8th grade about anorexia and bulimia, and I made her tape a 20/20 special, and then something w/Paula Abdul talking about her bulimia. I used to love Paula Abdul back then, so my mom was trying to make a joke, but it was REALLY funny to me cause she has NO idea what she was even saying! So ironic! Do I� know about it?! hahaha --------------------------------------

Anyway, I don�t even care cause I am gonna be moving in 2 days and they can think whatever they like! So, anyway Saturday, my bf Amanda and I went to the movies and saw XXX Triple X. It was good and Vin Diesel is so fucking hot, ohmigosh, he has so many shirtless scenes and he is so ripped!! But there is this sexy half-naked girl scene thing too that all these guys were like �damn� in the movie theater about, so its not a total chick thing. There were a lot of cool special effects, but it is your typical spy movie, but hotter cause Vin Diesel is in it. I recommend it, but don�t go in expecting like a Titanic type movie or anything like that. Vin Diesel is gonna be a huge star after all this cause I know they are making a XXX 2 sometime. So anyway, Amanda wanted to go get ice cream before the movie, so I was like ok, whatever, I�ll get a small cup and just kinda stir it around until it melts and take a few bites. But then she changed her mind when we went to Wal-mart and she wanted to get candy for the movie, so we bought Twizzlers, Reece�s Peanut butter bites, gummy bears, and some other twizzler stuff. I managed to get a Diet Pepsi though. I don�t even like all that sugary stuff, I�m more of a chocolate gal, but I don�t like reeses much either.> OK, I know I am spelling that wrong, but I never eat that candy ,and I just don�t have a clue how to spell it right! Anyway, I ate a TON of gummy bears, 2 twizzlers, and a bunch of reeses peanut butter things cause I was going for the chocolate. I tried not to eat too many, and I even accidentally �dropped� a few when I thought about how many I had had already. So that was all I had for the day, and it was killing me not being able to see the calorie content in the darkness of the movie theater! I don�t think it was too bad though. Plus, I had swam a little bit that day too, so hopefully it wasn�t too bad of a cal-load.

Then Amanda and I went downtown to this popular bar/club place to see some old friends. I haven�t been home in forever so I didn�t know where we were going, but Amanda was right at home walking around her college-scene pointing out places where she passed out during the year and people she had made out with etc. I saw a bunch of people I kinda knew and said hey, but it was really just me meeting all of Amanda�s friends and sitting there being bored while she excitedly chatted with them. We went after the movie so it was like 1 am when we got there so everyone was good and drunk and we were Totally Sober. She made me stay all night and it kinda sucked, but we made fun of the drunk people. I did get to say hey to this guy who I know who also LIVES with Scott (my ex) at college. He was only up for the weekend, but we talked so I KNOW he�s gonna tell Scott he saw me there out having fun�lol It�s gonna be great; I hope he remembers to tell him, I�m sure he will though. Then I saw this really pretty girl who i graduated with who was like 30 lbs bigger now! I had heard that she gained a ton of weight but that was the first time i had seen her. I felt bad for her, but i felt good, as shitty as that is. She was always really nice though and she talked to us. It was just weird seeing her like that. It's not how I remember her; it's like Tiffany in a fat-suit or something... I feel like telling her to take it off, though i know she probably wants to... It also made me realize what could happen if I lost control. I luv this girl to death, but she looked TERRIBLe in what she had on. She had on tight white pants w/no pockets and a pink shirt tucked in!! Was she asking to be called fat?!? You can't have a huge ass and wear light colored pants w/no pockets on the butt?!!!!! Really!! Anyone can figure that one out! I felt bad for her, but it helped me to realize how bad I NEVER wanna be that way ever! I don't want to change so much for the worse. She didn't even look the same cause her face was so much bigger! oh, well

Anyway, Then I got home at like 4 am and my mom was pissed cause she said it was rude to come in so late with my relatives here, but they were all majorly snoozing by then, so whatever.. So, today, I ate nothing, and I was so busy with stuff that I forgot to even think about eating. However, I ended up eating some mustard cause it had 0 calories, then I ended up eating some pepperoni�s cause they were in the fridge and they are only 10 cals per pepperoni. THEN, I decided to make some Lipton�s cup of Soup, Only 50 calories!! It�s a great idea when your hungry. I usually add more than twice the amount of water to it so I get to eat more of it longer and feel really full. So, I�m thinking I ended up consuming about 150 calories today, but then here's the weird part� (ok this is kinda gross) but I had diarrhea like an hour later. I had the same thing the other day when I ate a lot. I think my stomach was not used to so much food and it just couldn�t handle it that day. But today, I didn�t even eat much!? Wtf?!? But then again, I�m happy cause when you have diarrhea, doesn�t that mean food went right through you and came out!?!???? I think so. So, in that case, then I did better than I thought today�lol Oh, well, I don�t care�.i didn�t do too bad. I�m not eating tomorrow either or not even for the rest of the week if I can help it. Rush starts Tuesday, and I still haven�t lost much weight, and I�m sad. I�m not gonna be able to fit into any of my clothes and I�m gonna be depressed! I only have a week before school, and I�m gonna restrict/fast hardcore until then. I used to be able to lose 2 lbs. a day when fasting, but it hasn�t happened this time I don�t think. I only lost 2 lbs. over almost 3 days. I hope it picks up or something. I need to exercise and not eat tomorrow and see what happens� I know I�ll have to at least appear to eat lunch a few times this week, and I�m gonna try to not eat, but I�ll eat a little if I have to. Plus, I can�t be feeling all shitty on day four of fasting, so I might have to drink some juice or something�just to function. I�m still really stressed out, but I am also excited that in 2 days I will not have to live in my house ever again unless I just want to�not a chance! I will be free once again and away from my stupid parents! Amanda and I were talking about how totally ironic it was that my mom was mad at me for coming home late when I was completely Sober, but how they don�t worry at all when I am away at college drunk off my ass coming in at like 5 am?!?? It�s a never-ending cycle. I�m glad I won�t have to worry about that anymore and cause I KNOW we are going out and getting trashed the first week of school! I think everyone everywhere is. It�s like a ritual (unless you�re a freshman I guess, cause then you don�t know where to hang out anyway) But everyone else wants to see everyone again after the summer and hang out, so it�s just one big party nation-wide. I�ve got to remember to restrict during the week though! I wish alcohol didn�t have any calories; that would be so awesome! Well, I am about to pass out��hopefully w/o the professional assistance of my good buddy Tylenol Pm. I gotta quit taking that, but I have such weird sleeping hours, and It always makes me sleep for like 10 hours which is less of the day I have to worry about eating�.oh, well�..until 2-morow�.. ~Goodnight~