Dear Diary,

SO, basically I�m gonna go ahead and come out with it---I ate today�blah.

I hate to write more and to go into more disgusting detail of how I sufficiently guaranteed myself some weight gain today�. It�s just plain not fun to talk about, and you feel even more guiltier writing about it�.. But then also you want to get it off your chest, as if you were admitting guilt, and trying once again to be righteous..

So here I am trying to be righteous though I feel everything but, and I know I�m the only one to blame. I don�t know why I have to be so �All Or Nothing� I need to be more like �Less is better� I can�t say I for sure have a �Eating Disorder�, but I know I defninitley have a disorder with my eating�lol I either eat a ton�or not at all, and it just isn�t a good way to be, and I don�t wanna be like that anymore. I wanna be one or the other, umm�.but totally choosing the Other�;) I have got to learn to control what I eat when I do have to eat� That�s the thing I don�t have control over yet. I can fast pretty well, but I need to learn to be able to just restrict and eat a little even if I have to eat, so there�s not much damage done.. I don�t know why I can�t just do that?

I�m feeling SO INCREDIBLY depressed about school as well! I see all these skinny happy girls ready to start back school, and I�m just like the totally unhappy fat girl or something. I know some people don�t think I�m fat, or wouldn�t really think that immediately, but I KNOW they are prob thinking.. Oh, she�d be so gorgeous if she lost a little weight. I HATE THAT!!

I think people think that about me a lot�and it drives me nuts. I just wanna scream, �I�m fucking trying OK!!� And I know I�m gonna feel like such shit when school starts and all these skinny tan girls wear next to nothing to class, and I have to wear certain clothes cause they don�t make me look �quite so fat�! What the hell! It�s not fair. I wish skinnier people would at least be thankful for their bodies! They don�t realize how fortunate they are to actually not think too much about which jeans or shorts their going to wear, or how they look in them 24/7� People like me would kill for that feeling, and I just don�t think skinnier girls know how lucky they are. I wish they could feel like me for a day; haha it would probably scare them into having an E.D. if they didn�t have one!! They�d be so horrified� IDK..I�m still a little stressed about the school stuff, and I am just mad at myself for eating so much and screwing up�

I actually think I might do better when school starts though cause there is no one around to �make� me eat at all. Plus, my schedule is all different, and I can just say I ate, and basically just hardly eat w/o anyone really noticing, and my days will be so full that I won�t even have time to think about the fact that I didn�t eat much that day.. But I don�t wanna wait until then! I wanna do good now!!

Well, I ate today cause Jade and I went and got our �Annual Checkup� at the gyno! Yikes!! It is like the most non-fun activity on this earth! It�s my 3rd time going though so I wasn�t really nervous, it�s just something you gotta suck it up and do. They gave me a whole yrs worth of pills too cause I told them I was going far away to school which is not true, but damn-I don�t wanna keep going back into that creepy place. Jade and I always go to this town next to ours, cause we are afraid we will see people we know or their mothers or something like that. I think my parents know I�ve had sex, but I seriously think that they are in total denial about it, so we just don�t discuss it. I don�t care, I like it that way. I have only been off the pill for about a month (forgot them on vacation) , and I know I didn�t lose those 5 lbs. at least I don�t think I did. The pill makes ya gain about 5 lbs usually, but I don�t think I had time to lose it in a month, and now I�ll be back on them.. If I gain 5 extra pounds from taking them over again though�ohmigod�.I swear I�m gonna freakin die right there on the scale!! I don�t think I will though..

Also, I had to get all feeled up from the lady, and she kept talking to me and telling me about her life, and I was like ..

WTF! Lady , come on, this is so fuckin uncomfortable, I�ve been violated, OK. lets get this shit over with and give me the pills so I can go home!! Really though, she was making it worse cause I had to answer her while trying desperately to stare at the bugs in the fluorescent lights, trying to figure out what it was, but then ,oh,�ouch, what the hell�.ok, it looks like a fly, but maybe�.ohmigod that�s COLD! Then she tells me to open my legs wider, and I�m like ready to just jump off the damn table, grab my clothes, and run--- ya know!! Then in the waiting room this lady w/a kid was behind us, and was like pissed off beyond hell that we had gotten In line before her. I thought she was gonna cuss us out just for being there! It�s always such a fun, and happy time visiting the Gyno.

So, then I went to do some stuff w/my dad and sister. I ate b/fast that morning cause I knew I would have to eat w/my dad. I know him too well. So, we went and ate lunch after I got back from �Breakfast w/Jade� which I don�t think he really believed, but oh well. Then we went by some stores and my apartment, and went and ate dinner at Buffalo�s Caf�.. AND my apartment sux ass! It�s like on the BOTTOM floor, and it like isolated by itself, and my dad is all mad cause he says it looks unsafe. It�s like at the basement level part of the apartments and it�s the only one down there and it�s kinda isolated. It�s like a good place for a scary person to hide and like jump out and get you. Our apartments are gated and supposed to have all this police crap, but ya just never know�. My dad wants to call and try to get us to get a different one, but it�s not gonna happen cause I think they�ve already assigned apartments to everyone. Also, the carpet looked like absolute hell, but they also haven�t cleaned it yet, but it was pretty bad.. Damnit�I really need to move in early, and I have this bad feeling that I�m not going to be able too!! I don�t know where I�m gonna stay for those 4 days though�..

Jade invited me to go to Six Flags with her again tomorrow, and I think she actually thinks I am going, yet she never really told me a time to meet really. She invited all these people that she barely knows from this town next to ours, and then 2 other girls who are real annoying that I know. I REALLY do not want to go hang out with them all day, plus I have NO shorts, and it�s gonna be hot as hell as it was like 100 degrees today. My car temperature thing said 110 degrees today, although it�s usually off by like 2-3 degrees but still� I don�t feel like being around all those snotty girls and the other people don�t even know me, and some of them are bringing their boyfriends, so it sounds like a real fun day to me!! :P So, I don�t think I am going�ok, I KNOW I�m not going, but I haven�t told Jade, and I guess I�m just not going to show up tomorrow, but she never even told me where to meet her anyway, so wtf..she can�t blame me if I don�t go.. oh, well

Tommorrow, I am fasting again�and I think I�ll last until Rush week and all that bs. I really can�t wait to get into a routine and Not eat. I�m excited that I�ll be too busy to eat, it gives me hope cause I did manage to fast for quite a long period of time lately, but shit kept happening where I was tempted and half-made to eat, so I�m excited to get away from all that! I need to exercise a lot tomorrow, and drink a ton of water..

Hehe�I even have a little beaded kinda-red bracelet that I found that I decided to wear while I was fasting, and I made a rule that I could NOT wear it if I ate, and I was doing well until----today, but I took it off� lol I know it�s silly, but whatever cause if it reminds me not to eat, then who cares, it�s good for something!

Well, I gotta get to bed soon cause I want to get up early so I have time to exercise, TTYL