Dear Diary,
Today has gone well so far....
Hadn't had anything to eat, just some water and some diet-pepsi... I really wanna start doing ALOT more... I think I am gonna try and burn off 1000 calories today. I know thats like a lot, but not really if you break it up. I'm gonna exercise some in the morning and then in the evening today and see how it goes.. I know I might not be able to do it on some days, but I really wanna try no matter what.
I just can't take not eating and sitting around all day. It makes me think about food and being lazy too much! I need these last few days before school starts to keep going, but I also wish i was in school or something so I would be super-busy and wouldn't have time to think about not eating etc.
Seriously though, imagine sitting at home 24/7 usually bored, AND not eating anything; sometimes I think i'm gonna go crazy. I just need to think of things to do to fill up my day just to get by. I remember I fasted for a while last year and it was cool cause I was so busy with school and stuff that the days were over before I even had time to think about food or not eating, I just didn't. And before you know it like 4 days have gone by before you realize you've started a fast. I wish I could be like that now. I'm just need to start exercising a lot, and try to fill my day with other things so I can't even think or consider food. Whenever I even start thinking about food, thats usually when things start falling apart, so I just Cannot think about it!!
I know I can do well until school starts, but I'm just afraid of what will happen to my diet when school starts back. I know I'm gonna be SO busy, and we are gonna be going out on the weekends and stuff, and I just don't know how I'm gonna keep everything up. I think I'll be able to restrict, but probably not fast. I'm sure some of my roomates will wanna like go grab a hamburger or something sometime, and I'll have to go and get something, but hopefully I can just eat a little in front of them and throw the rest away and stuff like that... I think I can restrict and MAYBE exercise during the week, but ahh the drinking on the weekend!? It's gonna ruin me! I need to find like the lowest cal liquor and go for that, but I know I'll end up drinking beer sometime, ick. I do luv to party though, and I know I'm gonna want to go out...
Oh,well I guess I can restrict and do well during the week, and just maybe eat a little something everytime before I drink on the weekend. Idk... I'm really stressing out about all the stuff coming up.
It's worse cause we are supposedto move in to our apartment like 2 freakin days before classes start, but we are trying our best to get to move in earlier, but we can't find out until like the 10th if we can even do that and the odds are pretty slim that we'll get too. Plus, i gotta start that work study job too, and move in etc... It's gonna be so crazy.....
Also, I guess I should go ahead and address this issue right now as well. I am also rushing next week before school starts. I feel really weird to say it cause i don't want people to see me as some dumbass sorority girl ya know. I'm really not the type, but then in ways i am.. The reason I am doing it started from last year....
Freshman year, I thought about rushing, but I really hated the cliquey stupid girls I was friends with ,and i really am all pro-individual and all that so I didn't. I figured there would be enough other girls like me to be friends with.
I was wrong.
I "look" like a total sorority girl, a stuck-up bitch, and all that, but thats not how I am at all!! But people always think i am before they meet me. All the girls freshman yr. that were similar to my friends from highschool were in sororities, and all the other girls were kinda not pretty but really cool, but they were intimidated by me. The sorority girls (like my old friends) didn't need to make new friends so they didn't really talk to me much, and they must've thought I was already in a soroity...And the other girls thought I was a bitch, and were too intimidated by me to be friends with me... It was such a catch-22!
I had like no close friends cause everyone was so confused about me. I mean, eventually, I got through to some of the 'other' girls and they realized I was cool and all and not a bitch, but they still felt weird hanging out w/me in public and stuff. I guess I made it kind of hard for them to get some guys, and I ended up feeling kinda bad cause I wasn't trying to be competition and it just all sucked ass!!
So, after all that, I am now like Fuck it, I can deal w/the stuck-up girls, hell my old friends were that way, but maybe some of them'll be more like me anyway... So, I've just accepted the way things are..
So, I'm rushing next week and i'm supposed to be moved in by the time it starts, but i don't know if we will be moved in by then? I can have fun w/the stuck-up girls, as long as they aren't too bad, I guess it's better than having no good friends at all.
I just don't want anyone to think i'm a superficial popular bitch ya know. LOL I don't think i could be like that if I tried..I wish I could kinda cause then at least I'd have some good self-confidence and i wouldn't feel so weird when I have to be so social.. But then again, I hate girls who judge people so much, and compete... I always made friends with the people that had no friends cause they were usually very cool, and nice people... I don't know if I'm ready for all the superficial bullshit from all these girls, but I guess it's better than my weird year last year.. I think I can handle it, I just wanted to mention it in here cause I haven't said much about it, and Rush is just one more thing I have to worry and stress about...
Idk...I just know my life is about to go from 0-60 SO fast, and It's just like the quiet before the storm right now, and I just feel so stressed about things I have no control over... So I am trying to take control of my diet and all that... Starting better today, and right now so i gotta go exercise or I'll never get 1000 cals in today...
Later~
