Dear Diary,

Wow, I was reading everyone else's diaries, and it seems like no one has really updated yet over the weekend..hmm...maybe they had really exciting weekends? Who knows? I know I really haven't updated much either. Well, my fast is still underway...

Friday I went out with Jade, her ex-byfriend, and Amanda.. Jade left early w/her boy-toy who she had literally screwed over a millon times.. He's such a complete dumbass for still dating her! She's cheated on him SO many times; it's sad really. But Jade claims she still loves him, but whatever, thats bs cuz she wouldn't cheat on him that many times if she loved him!! Anyway, Amanda and I were going to see if we could find some other random friends and go out downtown, but we couldn't get in touch w/anyone so we decided to go to the movies. We originally wanted to see Austin Powers, but we decided to see the movie ? Signs instead. I think it just came out that day. It was OK, but seriously how cool can an alien movie be?? It was kinda scary, but SO cheesy in the end. The aliens came out and all, and it was just really retarded... The aliens were not scary, and I thought it was kinda dumb the way the did the aliens... it was really funny at times though surprisingly. The movie had a cute message and was pretty scary so I say definitely rent it or maybe order it on PPV, but don't waste a movie ticket on it unless nothing else is playing. So, Amanda and I come out of the theater and she has a cell message from the guy we were trying to get in touch with earlier. It was like 15 after 12 when the movie was over, and he had called a little earlier. He said he was already downtown w/this friend of ours who had a band and was playing at some bar downtown. He said he hoped we were still around, and to come and party..

Normally, we woulda been like HELL Yeah! but it was already late and we didn't really have anywhere to stay that night, plus Amanda had to pack because she was going to New York Sunday and she had an hour to drive home as well. So, we decided not to although we really had wanted to go out earlier... So, I don't guess she called him back, but I'm sure we'll go out w/him again sometime. Haha...Amanda quit her job to go out that day too. She had 2 jobs and she only waitressed 2 nights a week, but a bunch of the people she liked transfered or quit so she said she wanted to quit soon anyway. When I called to invite her, she said something sarcastic about she should just quit, but I never thought she'd just do it..oh, well...she said it was for the better.. Oh, and I have been like so depressed feeling lately.. All this psycho obsession about my weight has really changed me although I never thought it would. School is starting back so soon, and I just don't even feel like the same person anymore. I have been so anti-social, and now I feel like I don't even know how to act around my normal friends ya know... It really bothers me cause I used to be really social and all. I never had a problem hanging out w/anyone etc, but now I just feel irritable and self-conscious around everyone and I don't like feeling that way! It's so weird, and I don't wanna be like that when school starts, but I am going to be moving into my apartment next freakin' week!>?! How can i change my whole personality in a week?? I don't know what to do. It's so strange how much food and weight can like change your WHOLE personality.. Now, I can't even be normal about food anymore; I always think about whats going into my mouth, and I don't know if thats a good or bad thing... probably both. I just am feeling really trapped, and rushed.. I know I'm about to be thrown into this crazy situation that I am pretty sure I am not ready for, but there is nothing I can do about it. I don't wanna feel how I do right now when school starts cause I need to be in a more happy optimistic mood by then.... I don't know what to do. I guess not eating probably won't help, but for some reason I feel like it will. Atleast I can continue losing weight, but I gotta figure out a way to be happier and all when school starts. I don't wanna be all self-conscious all the time...Losing weight will help that a little I guess...idk Who knows what I am talking about? Ok, I'll stop now cause saying all this is definitely not helping.. Well, on a good note, I layed out in the sun today for about an hour so hopefully I got some sun, and I might lay out again tommorrow, idk. I guess it depends on how I feel... Well, I'm gonna get ready to go to sleep in a few, I'll write more later~~~~~