Dear Diary,

OK, I'm not gonna lie, though I really wish I could, but this is my diary and I'm supposed to at least tell the truth here, and believe me the truth does hurt!!!

Ok, so I was doing so good on my fast and getting all into the not eating thing and the emptiness and all that. I was all set today (Thursday). It was like 3:00pm and I was doing good, drinking water, taking vitamins etc. I felt like shit today. I finally got that tired as shit feeling as if you wish you could just sleep all day so you wouldn't have to move. Everytime I got up like normal to walk to the kitchen or wherever, about 10 seconds later I would get this wave of dizziness and blurry blackout symptom until I held on to something and breathed in slowly. It happened all morning and I knew it would so I wasn't surprised. I was getting kind of used to it towards the end of the day. I would just look for a chair or something to grab on to whichever room i was going to. I actually rolled my eyes once when it happened as if it was just annoying as I talked with my sister about the mail she just went and got...lol Anyway, I was doing well and looking forward to Day 5 which is about the day desire kinda goes away. I was having all these dreams about food, and fasting all night. I dreamt that I ate a hamburger and couldn't throw it up, and I was sad cause I ruined my fast, but then I woke up, realized it was just a dream and that I hadn't ate anything, and rolled back over and went to sleep. All in all things were good-------UNTIL (duh-dun-dunn.....)

My dad came in and needed to go somewhere, it's my mom and his anniversary this Sunday and he is taking her to a fancy restaurant, and surprising her with the Broadway show of My Fair Lady. My mom is gonna be SO excited!! She loves old classics like that and she has NO idea about the play, plus my dad has Never done anything like that for her!! Anyway, he wanted to buy her a really nice dress to wear out, so he was gonna take her shopping to get one. Then he said he didn't want my sister and I to go cause we were selfish or some bullshit like that...and we got into an argument (like usual) and then he said he wanted us to go, and then he said we wouldn't have enought time to get ready, and it was all crazy! THEN i found out he didn't want us to go because he was going somewhere to eat that only he likes to eat there, and he knows I hate it, so he didn't want me to go cause he knew I wouldn't want to eat there! My mom hates that place too! And he called Me selfish!! Whatever! So then I decided, OK I won't go, I don't need to eat anyway! But the desire to eat had already formulated an idea in my head, and it was literally spreading like a wildfire in my head.... I thought he'd make us go, so I was thinking about eating to maybe speed my fast up ya know...make my body think it was normal again, then continue fasting and it would make me lose weight faster. I've seen it happen , and lots of people on the TPage say it does too.. But then we weren't going, and my sister said she wasn't either but she still wanted to do something. Oh, no!

So, I was like almost having a mental breakdown...

To Eat Or Not To Eat,To Eat Or Not To Eat,To Eat Or Not To Eat,it was going through my head....over & over... what if I eat? what if I don't? It'll suck to sit home by myself? If I eat..hmmm...what should I have? Yum, chips, ice cream, a sandwhich,.....I can't mess up my fast though....what to do..what to do....

So, my sister coerced me into going out to eat Mexican w/her and then going to get ice cream and watching a movie.. Ugh--It sounded like a lot of fun, what to do? I didn't just wanna sit at home again and be bored, and the idea to eat had already been planted in my head. Damn it-why did I let it change into a 'possible' idea?!? So, anyway, we ate mexican (it was good!) then we went buy the store and got ice cream (Ben&Jerry's half baked :) then we ordered a scary movie off the tv, and ate our ice cream. It was fun, and I felt normal, but slightly guilty, and outta control.. Later, on I ate some chips, and I made myself a delicious salad.. Hey? Whats the point of having a eating day if you don't get your cravings out of the way??? So, I did. And I feel shitty. I wish I could've binged it all, but I'm too unexperienced with binging and I never know if I got it all. Plus, I was at the restaurant and I coulda never done that w/o people noticing....

So, I feel guilty and shitty for screwing up what was going good... So, I'm still gonna go w/my 14-day fast. I feel like I've messed up all the days now. I'm still gonna continue, and maybe add one more day, so that I still will have fasted 14 days, but just not 'entirely' in a row though almost.. I feel real crappy.... I know it might help my fast. but still....Idk what to do w/myself... I guess I'll just fast tommorrow and see what happens...damn it, now I gotta go back through the shitty tired day 4 thing again!! Why! Why-did I let food win! I hate food! Why do I think it is so good sometimes! It's not worth it! I even noticed that the skirt I wore before my fast had gotten bigger on me when we went out to eat, so that was good, but then I'm sure i screwed it up by eating, but atleast it gives me hope that I was making some progress before I gave in and ate.

But Don't Worry---I'm back on the fasting track tommorrow FOR GOOD, and hopefully I got all that bingy-eating stuff out of my system....

*But I still feel like a depressed load of crap... :(

~Goodnight~