Dear Diary,

(Long Entry about my crazy past 2 days!)

Ugh.... I've been so out of it here lately!

I'm sorry for not writing sooner cause I know I promised I would on an earlier entry. Things just flew by. So much happened Monday! I coulda filled a book--then I didn't get much of a chance today to write about all the stuff from last night, and now tons of stuff has happened today-It is so overwhelming!!

How do I even start?

I can't possible explain what happened Monday with all the anger and passion that I felt that day!

Basically, Monday, my dad and I got in a HUGE fight that night...I'm talkin H-U-G-E! It was crazy! It all started cause my mom's gotta quit her job cause they are closing down the office in her town, but they said that if they moved some other company in there w/my mom, they might would leave it running. Basically, the doctor who owns everything is seriously in debt, and is trying to subsadize (sp*) everything including his workers. He wants another company to move in their building, and wants my mom to work for them too. BUT she only gets one paycheck which might be less that what shes making now? Ummm, Mr. Doctor--that is a dumbass idea!! Who's gonna work 2 jobs for almost half the money?!? Moron!

So, of course, my mom is upset cause she loves the doctor she's working for, and all her co-workers...But it's pretty clear she has to get another job. She's looking in to going back to her old one, but even if that doesn;t work, she can get a job somewhere ya know. She's kinda like a secretary, so she could work anyplace.

Well, my dad is all mad about that and he hates his job (always has, thats nothing new) and he decided to take every bitter moment of his life and throw it at me Monday night.

But don't worry (heh,heh) I didn't go down w/o a good fight! Hard-headnesses is such a wicked thing..... Anyway, he started off by saying my sister and I don't do shit around the house. (pardon my language during this, but my dad cusses a whole lot in this story) He says we don't do crap, but sit around the house and be lazi-ass slugs, we don't clean up, we don't take care of our cars, blah, blah, blah....He said a lot of mean things, called me a lot of mean names, and accused me of a ton of things I didn't do... I know, we don't do much, but it's summer, and we'll have to work for the rest of our lives--aren't we supposed to kinda enjoy childhood?? We clean the house a lot too. the house is never dirty, he so dramatic when he talks about things like that...

So, anyway, he and I start going at it--we are yelling back and forth, using the most harmful biting words known to man, cutting each other down to every last piece....He makes it worse blaming me for everything and saying how sorry I am, etc. and how he slaves for us, and how he had to slave to get money for us to go to eat for my birthday the other night.

WHAT A CROCK OF SHIT!?!? Slaved? I hardly think so. He always blows up like that, and says the MOST outrageous things!! It pissed me off about the birthday thing though, cause they asked me to go, we didn;t have to go!! Anyway, things got heated, and once, when I got mad, I thought about splashing the inch of water in my glass across him and storming out of the room.... Ok, I thought about it, then tried to cal myself down, then we continued arguing and he pissed me off really bad, and I DID sling the water glass, and get up. It WAS a bad idea, and he just sat there stung by it, and I thought I was about to die right there in my living room...I swear--the look on his face--I really thought I was gonna die or atleast break something!! But, he started yelling again, and my mom came in, and he yelled at me to clean it up, and I did yelling I was cleaning it up for my mom cause it was her nice, leather couch!!

(heh-heh, I'm so risque' and hard-headed) Anyway, we continued to argue while my mom pleaded for us to be quieter cause my sister was on the phone (get this:) with a youth minister she knows to talk about helping her to go to Seminary School...

Hahahahaha-----Could things BE any more ironic?!?!?!?

I felt bad for yelling, but I was too upset to let it go.. He really said every mean thing he could to me, the only thing worse he coulda done would have been mention my weight or the diet. Man-if he'd a mentioned that, I mighta passed out right there outta anger, then I woulda been packing my bags going somewhere....

NOW, I remember why I wanted to leave home so badly before? Why the hell did I come back???? I'm so stupid, I shoulda know it'd still be like this; he never acts like an adult!! I made a pact to myself after the fight that I am never coming to visit home during the next year, though I'll only be an hour away!! I am not coming to visit them ever; I want them to know I WANT to be away. I kept telling him I couldn't wait to move out, and of course, he says, "your 18, go ahead, pack your bags!" He's sad that SO many times, but he never lets me leave. I did runaway once for 2 days a while ago though. I stayed at my b/friends house, and they never found out, and Yes we did have sex!! Lol, they'd hate to hear that story down the road!

Anyway, I went to my room and didn't come out. I cried, and was just so intensely angry. I wanted to leave, but I don't really have anywhere I could go for a long period of time ya know. And I gotta be able to do my diet... I hate that feeling though--not having anywhere to go and being stuck with those people when your mad as piss!! I stayed in my room all night, and seriously contemplated what would happen if i took too many Tylenol PM..... I took 3....one over the recommennded dose- guess I'm not such the daredevil yet--oh well....I slept until 9:30 the next morning determinned to avoid ALL contact with HIM...

But today (tuesday) was my birthday, and I was mad as hell, and I knew it was gonna suck... By the way, i am still 19, I just changed my Profile a little early.... Anyway, I got up and ran a while, but i have this cut on my leg, that hurt every time i ran so I only did 45 minutes today. I ate my diet menu, and then got ready for my best friend to come over. She was gonna bring me my present. Then I planned to go to my room for the rest of the evening....

She brought my present (a 4 picture collage of me and her, and a leather bound sketchbook, as I am the artist) It was a nice gift, but she always gives me cheap things, and shes actually making money now, so I was like, whatever, but I did enjoy the thought that counts.... I know she probably only spent $10.00 though, and I usually spend $50.00 on her, or at least close to it. I know, i know, I should be thankful for the gift and all, but I just have this feeling she probably didn't think about it until the night before. She rushed over and gave it to me, and thejn said she had to go 5 minutes later.... I haven't spent more than 30 minutes with her in the past year and a half--you think shes spend some time with me on my b/day, but whatever, i know she has to work and shes got a lot of stuff going on. But I think we are losing the best friend thing....

So, I holed up in my room all day until my mom made me let her in, telling me to open my presente, which i refused too cause I said she should take them back and pay for the debt I owe for being such a sponge to my family....hehe.. those were almost my exact words... She wanted us to go eat Mexican, and it was my dads idea, and she said he was in a good mood. I said, hell, no. Cause i didn't wanna ruin my diet OR go anywhere with HIM!! She and my sister ended up making me go, and I knew I'd have to atleast pretend to be in a good mood, cause my mom would take pictures when i opened my presents..... AND I knew, they'd all be pissed if i didn't go, and my mom said she was too tired to make dinner, so i couldn't make her do it...

So then of course eating out= a small binge..... i shoulda never gone

And I got a lot of things, and my dad tried to make it up to me, by buying me an HTML Graphics Book, and again, he goes for the buying things=happiness ploy So, I pretend to make up, although, i am really just counting the days until I move out.....My mom got me some cool presents though, and I'll write about em' later cause this entry is hella long. I guess thats what missing 2 days will do to ya....

So as far as my diet goes: I am sad, cause I weighed in before we went to eat at only 2 lbs less than what I weighed before, which means I haven't really been losing much.... I am sad cause I've been working my butt off lately....I think I am gonna still do the diet in case it has chemical effects, BUT I am only gonna eat half of everything I am supposed to on the diet, and keep exercising about the same. I wanna try and stay around 200 and 300 calories before each day cause it's getting close to Back2School time and I'm freakin out!! I'm about to pull out all the stops... I'm gonna weigh in next Monday, and see whats going on, and if its not better by then, then I am gonna do my own variation of the diet below 200 calories. I HAVE to lose weight before school--you JUST don't understand...I'd rather die than not lose weight by then......I'm getting freakin desperate and crazy, but i don't wanna fast cause that leads to binges. So, I'm gonna stick woth LOW restriction and lots of exercise if it doesn't work out...

Later

PS> sorry about the long entry, i promise it wont be so long next time! ;)