Dear Diary,

Just a short entry: it's pouring at my house, and i don't think its good to have my lap-top hooked directly into the phoneline ya know....but i might add more later, cause I'm back on track!

Whoo-hoo, I ate good today, and I am gonna exercise in about an hour definitately. Binge day was not worth it! I wasn't even enjoying my food. i shoulda just stuck to the diet, but at least i know now that food IS NOT worth it. Cause even if you think it is gonna be good, it always ends up not being worth it, so why bother???? I'll say some more later, but I gotta go, the tv is all messing up too--I hate storms!!! The digital tv stuff always goes to crap when it pours!!! Now, what am I gonna do for a while!! Oh, well-- ttyl

---------------------------------------------- Well, i fucked up later on and ate some brownies cause my mom talked me into watching a movie which ended up being almost 3 hours long, and then everyone wanted to go to bed and I couldn't run... I know, I know, It was my fault. I wouldn't have been tempted to throw it all away if I had exercised earlier!!! Then to top things off, my dad comes bursting into my room to tell me about something stupid on TV that I so do not care about, and he saw the cookies behind me!! Ah-why oh why didn't I move to the other side of the room?!!? He wouldn't have noticed then! He stopped and asked in mid-sentence while babbeling if I was eating those, and what was i gonna say? I just nodded my head, and he went "oh." and kept going, but there was a terrible deafening silence in my ears for the rest of his stupid convo. I just kept hearing the way he said, "Oh." and seeing the look on his face. I thought I was gonna die! I went to look at his dumb show for like 10 second then went back to my room while burning tears started rolling down my cheeks in anger/frustration and sadness..... I hated myself, and I half-wanted to just throw-up right there, but I am still not very comfortable with the throwing-up thing, so I just cried, and cussed myself out mentally, and felt like shit. Now, he's gonna think I have been cheating on my diet the whole time!! I feel so stupid, and so full of shit! I can't believe I let him see me! Now what?!? I feel so hopeless!! Like I was hiding something and he saw, so like now he knows my big secret or something.??? I can't keep doing this. I just had a talk about how 'not worth it' food is, so why did i do this?!?!? Why did I think it was gonna be ok, or good? Damn-sometimes, I wish I could just sleep ALL day just so I couldn't eat!! I wish so many times that I could just go to sleep at like 6pm and not wake up until mid-day of the next day, but ya can't do that...... I gotta start doing something else whenever I feel tempted just to get away! but what? I gotta do better than this, I can't keep on hating myself and screwing up!! I gotta be on track for real!

revision