Dear Diary,

OK, so today so far has NOT been a good day...lol I always start off my entries that way; I know it's lame, but I don't know what else to say... Anyway, today I kinda had my first binge and purge which I know is bad and something I do not want to get into. I was thinking so hard last night about what to do if I go out to eat on my birthday or not.

My mom suggested that we go out just one night to celebrate my birthday, and tried to persuade me to go. So, I said ok cause that'll just be my one binge day, and maybe it will help me like it did last time. BUT, then I started thinking obsessively about it. Like what day, what I was going to eat, if I was gonna exercise..etc.... I thought about it all night and then was sad cause it's so far away, and It made me insanely hungry thinking about all the different foods I was gonna eat. I even planned out my whole Binge-Day. it's really say I know. So, like after doing all that thinking about it, I just kinda caved in today, and ate a PBJ sandwhich, some chips, and a big bowl of cereal. I know, I know, those are shitty binge foods, but ;like i said, we only have fruit, vegetables, and chicken in my house ya know. But then I felt like crap cause I'm not sUppOsEd to binge until Friday for my birthday!!! Not today!!! I was feeling kinda ill. So, I decided to try and purge. I've tried a millon times, but never had much luck. I always just can't do it ya know. But today, I went in the basement armed with my toothbrush, a towel, and a bottle of water. I threw up in the toilet downstairs cause no one can hear it upstairs. Anyway, I used the soft part of the toothbrush, which is what I heard was better from someone. Anyway, I threwup a little bit maybe 3 times, and then not much more came out. So, I am all confused cause I don't know if it all came up or not. I mean what does Peanut butter and jelly look like coming up? Hell if I know?!?? I'm REALLY hoping it all came up though. I am not going down the Mia road!! I just couldn't deal with messing up today, but I'm afraid I might have anyway. Cause how do I know if all that crap came up. Maybe it did; I mean, how much food can cereal, milk, and a sandwhich really be once it's chewed up?!??! Oh,well. I guess I'm still gonna try and exercise off the calories that I am suposively supposed to consume today.

See, my plan was to exercise off all the calories I eat until Friday (binge day) so maybe in the long run, my weight-loss won't have suffered too much. So, I gotta burn off 600 calories today....lol...that kinda sucks, but it's do-able. I've burned 800 calories in a day before, but it wasn't pretty. I think my treadmill actually cut-off that day cause it doesn't count that high for the minutes....

But on the other hand, I am now just feeling really guilty about having a binge day. I was gonna get up, and go to my fav. fast-food place, and get something to eat there, go by the mall, and then come home and go out to eat with my parents to celebrate. But now I'm feeling shitty about eating so much that day ya know. But, I know I HAVE to go out to eat than night and eat atleast one of sister's birthday brownies that she is dying to make for me. So, it's like Fuck it, if I have to eat against the diet, I might as well go all out right? Idk, though. I just feel shitty doing it. But, I do crave the food. If I thought I could exercise off dinner, I would, but we'll probably go to some place like Outback, or a mexican restaurant or something like that and it will be impossible to even know how many calories I ate. And I DO want to enjoy my own birthday dinner....Ahh...it's too confusing. I think after this Friday binge I'm not gonna have another one. It's just not worth it, physically or Mentally!!!

I know I have to go to that party too a while later, but I am gonna try and exercise off those alcohol-calories before I go. Besides those times, I don't think I am gonna do anything except my diet until school starts this fall. I gotta get back on track!!