Dear Diary,

Hey,

I don�t want to say anything about today! Ugh! I did good but then I FAILED! Horribly. So, I got through the day eating all my meals, but before dinner and after doing the whole kitten thing, my mom starts talking about how she can�t get the rest of my diet. Basically the story is this: My mom�s overweight co-worker asked the doctor she works for for a plan to help her lose some weight, so he translated this syberian diet and gave it to her and made her promise not to show anyone cause he could get in trouble.. The overweight co-worker (cindy) is a total klutz and low-rent person. She takes her 3-yr old kid out to party with her and has sex with nasty po-dunk guys. Shes a total slob, yet this doctor guy gave her a job and she works in the same building on the other side of my mom. Anyway, cindy�s doctor is really crazy and gets mad at her ALL the time. He threatens to fire her for stupid reasons ALL the time and she puts up with it cause it�s the best job she�ll EVER have ya know. Anyway, my mom has to get Cindy to ask her doctor for the diet cause she wasn�t supposed to tell anyone about it, and he�d definitely fire her if he found out no matter what. BUT, my mom aked her to ask, and the Dr. told her he�d take the time to translate it when she got through the first week, which she�ll never do�because she has no money and could never follow that diet cause she drinks every 2 days, stuffs her face�etc.etc. So, I told my mom that I thought Cindy should just lie and say she did the 1st week cause he�s not gonna weigh her or anything. But my mom said she eats junk food in front of him or he�ll see her eat junk food and will know shes not doing it. BASICALLY---MY mom said there was no way in HELL I WAS GONNA GET THE REST OF THE DIET! Which totally pissed me off, and I almost wanted to cry! I can�t believe I am busting my butt doing this ridiculous diet, and I have to do the same week over and over again. I yelled at my mom and got all upset and went to my room in a rage after our argument. I was so mad that she allowed us to do this crap, when she was never gonna get the rest of the diet!! It was like all my dreams had fallen through!! I can�t do the same diet over and over again for 5 more weeks! Plus, what if the diet is SUPPOSED to vary!! I won�t ever know now!!!! I am still so mad!

Why are we eating all this weird shit if it doesn�t even matter! A calorie is a calorie. So fuckin what? This is all pissing me off. I just need to go back to my plan! Fuck this shit! Uhhh�but this diet is good cause my family never asks about what I am eating and they don�t worry or ask me to go out to eat with them! I might fail on my own diet cause I don�t have a strict regimne or someone to report to ! But I gotta lose weight FAST! FUCK! Now my mom knows I binged on some ice cream! Damnit! I told her I threw it away, but I don�t think she believes me! Shit! I got pissed off after all that shit earlier and binged, though I tried to throw it up but couldn�t. I hate this!! I HATE FOOD (that�s like the 100th time I�ve said this in my diary!) WHY do we have to eat?!!? Why can�t we just take a pill for energy, why did God create fuckin� food???? WHAT AM I GONNA DO NOW?? I checked my weight earlier out of frustraion and desperation (before binge) and it said 166-7 lbs. though some could be water weight, but that�s almost right to the amount I am supposed to lose on the diet from when I started to today. So, it WAS working, but not totally awesome, cause it wasn�t all the way right. But still--- It can�t work every week for 5 more weeks!!! I wish I could throw up or cry or something! My plans never work and yet this one is working yet I can�t get the rest of the diet; do you know what kind of frustration this is to me?!?!?? Maybe you don�t. I can�t explain how emotionally upset I am right now. It must be the week before my period for me to be this emotional. I forgot when it is supposed to start since I got off the birth control pills. Ugh�..I am so frustrated about what to do now though. I feel like fasting for the rest of my life though I know I can�t do that.

I�m thinking about eating/drinking 200 cal a day and exercising it off ya know. That might work??? I�ve been exercising for an hour a day and burning off an average of 315 calories a day, so I could definitely burn off 200 calories easily. What to do, what to do�..Maybe I should restrict to 200 calories/burn them off and then fast some as well. Would that work?? I know I�d be tired as hell, but I don�t care, I think I could do it if I tried. And I think it�s ok to binge as long as you binge under a certain amount of calories ya know? Allow yourself to eat your �forbidden food� on a restricting day, so you don�t feel deprived. BUT if I am alone; how am I gonna get past all the social obstacles to eat?? My birthday is coming up as well as my friend Clints b�day and he�s gonna wanna go out to eat. Then there is this huge party on July 21st weekend and I gotta go to that. I was planning to exercise like 700calories off that day and not eat much, so that I even out when I drink that night. Plus, liquor is not as high in calories as beer, and I haven�t drank in a while so it shouldn�t take much. AHH�.. I think I am losing it right now by being SO utterly confused. I know whoever reads this thinks I am. Sorry about that. I am just so mixed up and upset, and add PMS-ing to that; it�s such a deadly mix.

ALSO, I got WASTED , by Marya Hornbacher today and I am gonna read it for motivation and all. So it should help to keep me focused. Oh, I don�t know what I am gonna do. I�m really sorry about this crazy rambling entry. Hopefully, I�ll be more in control in my next entry. If anyone has any good ideas, email me or leave me a note, any advice (not from my family!) is good right now! Well, I gotta go, I think this psycho-ness needs to stop right now�������