Dear Diary,

I don't wanna talk about today cause i did bad, I ended up eating , but not that much food; it was just high-cal i guess, and I was gonna exercise most of it off, but now my cal intake is so high--theres no way to exercise THAt off!! like 1500 or so, blick, I hate myself. i wish i didn't want to eat ever. I feel like never eating again right now. I wish i could never have to eat again w/o ever getting sick , otherwise I totally would.... AND the next 2 days are gonna be hard days to get out of having to eat food, and all I wanna do is fast forever....... PLUS, that doctor forgot to bring that diet to my mom, but I also realized that I shouldn't place that much hope in something like that anyway. I should just do my own diet thing. but how am i gonna get out of having to go eat tommorrow and the next day!!!???!! I can't eat, cause I will totally screw up, and feel like shit afterwards. I only have like less than 7 weeks until school starts and I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT--you just don't know how bad I want this. You might think you do, but you don't. I have to lose weight more than anything in this world; it's all i care about really. I wanna fast for the rest of the summer, but I know thats not being realistic, and I know i will get insanely sick like I always do in about 4 days. Once i fasted for like 3 days and on the 3rd day, I couldn't even crawl out of bed. I walked to the bathroom and almost passed out on the floor. I was sitting on the bathroom floor panting, and sweating buckets, and I was so insanely weak. i hated that feeling, and I can't do anything when I feel that way, but I want to NOT eat so BAD!!!! I HATE FOOD! If I can get out of eating any way this week, I'm gonna try and do it and fast just because I need to I think. ALSO, I dont even feel like binging. I was thinking that maybe I should have a binge day before I fast, but i really don't even feel like doing that. I don't have any good food in my house, and it's not worth it, and I also know I can't go get any good food at the store or anything really. My paents would ask why I bought all that weird stuff, and then they'd give me that "I can't believe your eating all that stuff look" Hmmmm...maybe I'll fast for 3 days, then just drink a slim-fast once a day hat way I am not eating food, but I am getting about 200 calories anyway and lots of healthy vitamins and minerals. I guess I'll only drink a slim-fast when I start feeling kinda sick or after 4-5 days of fasting maybe. I just don't wanna eat anymore ever. I wish I could do it. i wanna try, but what if I get sick again? I almost don't care if I feel sick, but it is really bad when i do though. What if my parents wanna go somewhere and i wanna go to and i can't cause i'm sick--i'll be forced to eat if i wanna go. Last time, I had to go to work, and I ended up having to eat something, and I instantly felt 95% better after 30 minutes, it was so weird. I don;t know what to do. I don't think I am gonna eat for a while though. Tommorrow, I'll just tell my sister that I can't eat lunch w/her cause i gotta have my slim-fast, but really I won't eat at all, and then Friday....maybe i can get out of doing something w/Mark. BUT--my dad has to come to orientation with me, andhe'll wanna eat, but I'll tell him the same thing or something like it, and maybe I'll just get a diet coke wherever he wants to go, or I'll drive while he eats. Oh, but i do enjoy going out to eat w/just me and my dad cause we have so much fun, and have great talks, but oh, well I guess we can talk in the car..cause I can;t eat,I don't wanna eat.............