Dear Diary,

OK WELL~ I did good today! :) YAH!.. I know, I am so proud cause it was kinda harder than I thought it would be. I fasted all day today! Nothing but water, and 1 single Diet Coke. I am happy because I was tempted quite a few times. I even thought about going to some fast-food place and having and all-out binge day, but decided against it. I know I would feel so incredibly guilty on the way home that I wouldn't even want to eat the food, plus my parents would have been like 'why are you eating ThAt!?" and I would have to deal with them probably thinking how I am getting fat or something. SO, I dealt with the urge. I was tempted just to taste some of the dinner my mom made tonight, but I figured one taste wouldn't be worth it either. I always wanna eat at the absolute worst times!! I'll go w/o eating ALL day, but then at like 8:00 pm, I will decide or think about having a binge day, but by then most good binge-kinda food is not available. AND theres nothing worst than wasting a binge day on just the crappy food you have in your house!! I hate that!! I wanna atleast eat my total craving-foods if I'm gonna eat at all!!!!

But nevermind all that- cause I did great! Tommorrow, it is 200 calories back to restricting for 2 days, then fast again etc... I was searching through some of the Pro-Ana forums, and everyone seems to say that it IS highly possible to lose 50 lbs. in 2 and 1/2 months, and 40 in 2 months. I hope they are right. They mostly said they ate between 200-300 calories everyday. 200 calories a day doesn't really bother me, but some people on the forums act like 200 is unbearably low, and that you will get really cranky and look like shit when doing 200 calories though they say it's possible. I don't think thats entirely true. 200 calories doens't bother me that much, but I don't know about the looking like shit part. Hell-theres always make-up! I think I'd rather take a chance of losing 40-50 lbs. any way I can get it no matter if I look like shit when it's over or not. Being thinner is being thinner no matter what. So thats what I am hoping for. A loss of between 35-50 lbs. by August 10th, but I'll take what I can get. If I don't lose quite as much, I don't think I'll die, but I'll just have to continue on with my plan somehow after I start back college.

OH AND LISTEN To THIS--Is It A Miracle Diet?!?

My mom comes home today and talks about her totally overweight co-worker who is getting their doctor from Syberia to give her this diet. He brought it from Syberia, and it helps you lose 40 pounds in 6 Weeks!! YEAH-- You heard me!! I said 40 lbs. in 6 short weeks!! I am like "What the (fuck)?, tell me more" She says she thinks you have to exercise for atleast 30 minutes a day on it, but she will get it tommorrow, although she doesn't want to lose 40 lbs. I am like practically salivating listening to her talk about this, but trying to hold back my intense eagerness. I said I would like to hear about it, but doubted it would work. She said she thought it might becasue Doctors have to have some patients lose weight fast for lots of things like surgery etc. and that this might be one of those. I can;'t wait until she comes home and explains more, or lets me see the directions. I hope it's not some weird thing to follow though. I don't know about it though. I am really afraid to try anything new in case it doesn't work because then I will have wasted all my time eating crap, when I could be restricting and losing more. I also don't know if I wanna go back to eating tons of food either. When you eat 500 calories or less, it gets kinda hard to start eating 2,000 w/o feeling really weird and guilty. I wanna check it out though, and if I do it, I will just do it for a week or so and see if I am losing any weight or not. If I am, I will stay on it. If not, screw it. Of course, I am gonna add my own anna-flair to it though. If you are required to do 30 min. of exercise, then I know I'll do So much more than that....and I might eat a little less depending on whats in the diet plan. I hope that doctor doesn't forget to bring the diet to work tommorrow. LOL...if only he knew how important it is to me that he brings it.... Well, it is something to hope for..... Plus, a Doctor's diet is kinda legit cause he has to use it for real patients, and sometimes they aren't always healthy diets, but the doctor has to have them be a certain weight or something to operate etc. Mainstream diets get a lot of crap cause the FDA has to approve them as healthy for everyone, but screw that; I want what works no matter what the cost. I didn't use to feel that way, but a while back, I just reached the breaking point with weight and I don't care anymore, which is how I got into all the Ana stuff in the first place.

I am afaid I might have to eat with my guy-friend Mark this Friday after I have my Transfer orientation. It ends at 6 pm, and he said we would go do something like go see a movie like "Mr.Deeds" afterwards, which probably means eating out is involved. Blick! I CANNOT eat out--there is absloutely NO WAY to eat under 200 calories at any restaurant!! I think I might tell him that I ate at the Orientation if it ends around 6. He won't know what happened. But if I get out earlier than that-I'll be in trouble. Ugh....and we used to date like 2 years ago, but it was like a 1 month thing, and I knew it wasn't gonna work. But He still likes me. i didn't think he did, but when we went by his apartment the other day, he was kinda real touchy-feely. Then I walked into his room and saw a picture of me and him when we were dating (that i had never seen by the way) on his mirror, and I was sitting in his lap! I was like "Oh, shit!" Then I saw a framed picture of my senior pic on his dresses by the bed! AHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............................. "this can't be happening!" I mean it might have been ok if there had been other picture of friends or girls, but i was the only ONE!! I so wanted to leave then, but it was only worse. He like leaned his head in my lap as we watched a video, and all I could think, is "damn it, damn it, damn it, he likes me again!"

ANd Right when I transfer too! Now, he's gonna try to be around me 24/7 when I start school, and that shit just ain't happening! I don't wanna be mean to him, but I just know I am gonna have to tell it to him straight when school starts cause umm... I am planning on not just studying the whole time. I wanna get fucking crazy sometimes!! I love to party, and he's not real big into that. I love to dance, and drink, and make-out with guys, and he's so not like that! He's gonna get a rude awakening to the LOUD side of my personality. It's gonna be bad though cause I am probably gonna have to practically yell or be mean to him to get the point across, and I have never been mean to him like ever cause he's just too damn nice! He's a Hot-looking guy, but he is boring as shit, and no fun at all. He worries about everything, and has no self-confidence, yet he looks almost like Brad Pitt, so you think he would have some confidence. He's like a nerd in Brad Pitt's body......lol It's so hard to deal with--I just wish he'd take charge one day, cause then he'd be hot and totally dateable. By the way, he's pre-med too! It just gets better, but fuck--he's so annoying and boring, i just couldn't date the kid. Haha...but he makes for good arm-candy... We're friends though, but I just wish he'd meet some girl and JUST be friends with me cause I plan on meeting some hot guys at college, and I don't want him to get hurt when I do. I just hope he doesn't get weird on me when we do something Friday, and I still gotta get out of dinner!

Oh, yeah, and Scott still hasn't called me back, and I am about as pissed as you can get. I got my sister to call last night figuring he would be home on a Sunday night at like 11:00 pm!! He works at a Golf Course, and a cool bar/club. Bars are closed on Sundays, and Golf is over when it gets dark!! So, I am about as mad as a hornet now, but I know theres not much I can do. I wrote him an email, (though he hardly checks it) and told him what the fuck was up in a subdued kinda way. So who knows what will happen..

All I know, is I'm about to check some other cool girls diarys,and then I'm gonna check-out and dream about what I can eat tommorrow-- under 200 calories of course........