Dear Diary,

Ok, this needs to be quick, but informative. I Really need to go to bed cause it's almost like 4 am! Eeek, how do I lose track of time so much! Oh, well. Ok, let me go ahead and say it. Today was not so well. It started off ok, but considerably went downhill, but not all the way. ANyway, today I ate a peach cup 50, some jello 40, some Liptons soup 100 cal, and then 2 cups of peach low-fat yougart ice-cream. I know, i know. Well, I swam laps today with my sister in the lake, and I remember reading something that said by swimming you could burn 350 calories in 30 minutes. Well, we swam for an hour. But, I didn;t really do the whole swim-laps stuff the whole time. I just swam around, and kinda did laps but didn't really do the breastroke and all that. I swam under water, on top of water, just various stuff, but i DID swim for an hour doing that, so do ya think i burned 700 calories for the whole hour???? IDK, but I kinda doubt it. I knew I had to have burned atleast 200, so I allowed myself the peach ice cream. But later, it was still really early and my mom was eating my favorite kind of chocolate ice cream, and I caved and ate a cup of it. So, I know that adds a whole lot to my total. But I am still low in calories. I just wish I knew how much I burned swimming today. If I did burn 700, then I did ok, and the choc ice cream doesn't even matter. But if I didn't burn too much, then I totally went over my limit, and I don't want it to happen again. I am just happy I didn't get 'the hell with it' attitude and binge like crazy. Oh,well.

Well, tommorrow was my pattern time for the fasting day, so I am definitely going to fast tommorrow, especially after doing that crap with the ice cream!!! PLUS!! while we were swimming, my sister was trying to tell ME how many calories swimming helped you burn and how she could explain to me how to lose 1 lb, a week. I WAS IN UTTER SHOCK!! This IGNORANT girl was trying to tell ME how to lose weight!!!!!!! What the freakin hell!!! She was trying to explain to me, as if I haven't been overally obsesses with weight-loss and diet since the age of 8--like I haven't read every diet and health magazine and memorized information for years-like I haven't thought and calculated and re-calculated my weight for 10 years!! WHAT!!! i just couldn't believe it.

But of course I couldn't tell her the extent of my knowledge. I just blantantly told her 'I KNOW!!!' I know all that, and i can tell you how to lose 2 lbs. a week!' Fuck 1 lb! Anyway, she said something about not sacrificing nutrirtion, but I don;t think she was refering to me at all, she was just babbeling on about her stupid pitful excuse for diet advice. So, then to make matters worse, WHILE I am enjoying my cup of chocolate ice cream, my dad starts talking to me. We are watching this documentary about the human face w/john cleese on TLC The Learning Channel, and it talks about how symmetry makes someone attractive. Well, my dad chimes in to tell me this:

he says, "You know your real pretty; you have good features."

and i say 'thanks' cause he has said stuff like that before, but not in a weird way or anything. He likes saying whatever he thinks.

Then he says, "you'd just be a lot prettier if you were thinner." I was at a loss for words for a moment.

I sais, "what?!" he continued, "I just think you would be prettier if you were thinner, much more beautiful ya know"

I said something about was that all that mattered, and what was i gonna do if I was. He shrugged, and then changed the subject cause he knew we were about to get into a fight or something. I was so hurt though. My eyes starting burning with tears that I held back cause i knew he was still talking to me, and he would look up any minute. I bit my lip hard to replace the hurt, as I distantly nodded to his questions. I hate it when he says stuff like that. How could I give up, with my dad saying shit like that to me. How could I even think about taking my sister's stupid advice! I can't lose weight that way, and theres no guarantee you won't gain that weight back either though it takes you like 2 months to lose 10 lbs! Screw that!! I HATE FOOD! (once more for the record) I wish I never had to eat. I wish, I could not eat, and not feel so ill or tired. I would never eat again if I though I could stay pretty healthy, and have some energy...... Those comments about my weight though.....argh...they make me so angry and hurt at the same time. Yet it fuels my desire to keep restricting and to get as low as possible, and then what my parents feel helpless, they will know why. They can't tell me anything about "my diet". Afterall, THEY were the ones TELLING me to lose weight! I just think it's unfair for them to judge me. THEY are not perfect! My dad knows I am sensitive about my weight and he promised me a while back that he wouldn't say anything else about it, but that was a lie.

Sometimes, when I refuse food, or eat something else, he asks if i have lost any weight yet? And I tell him i don't know, which is usually true since I like to wait a while before weighing in. He just eggs me on, and it pisses me off!!! Oh, well, I really need to go to bed, and I gotta get atleast 7 hours of sleep tommorrow so i can fast w/o being hungry. I am so for sure sticking to the fast tommorrow; I am so pissed about everything, I think I can fuel myself for a whole month!!!!.............