Dear Diary,

OK...TODAY was NOT a good day!!! Ok, my alarm did not go off this morning in time for me to have time to exercise and take a shower and get ready for my grandparents to come, so I was screwed in that sense. I was kinda bummed, but then I was just like: ok, I'll just eat as little as possible at dinner, and then I'll still have consumed a low amount of calories for the day.

But---something happened in my mind. I thought about how maybe it would be good for me to go ahead and do that day where I eat a lot to bring my metabolism back up, and then everything went downhill. I din't exactly binge, but I Did eat a WHOLE ton of food today! I ended up eating a few of these little chocolate donuts that I love before dinner. (ugh-why did my mom have to buy those?!?) ANyway, dinner was pretty gross. My mom DID cook something I didn't like even though I forgot to ask her to. I ate my salad, a few beans, and a small biscuit, but I didn't eat but one bite of the casserole chicken thing. (bleck!)

Needless to say I consumed a low amount of calories because I didn't want to eat that crap, BUT I am mad cause it would have been SO EASY to not eat much at all then. If it weren't for those damn donuts I ate!! So, then I was still up for eating, and we had Strawberry cheesecake for dessert, which I must say, was almost worth it cause it was VERY good. Than I had some milk, and like a cookie, and that was it. I totally did the whole 'eat alot' thing right!?

So, later on, I had to go in my moms bathroom for something,and she has this scale in the corner. I was facing it, and I just had to get on it even though I kinda didn't wanna know in case it was bad. Well, It WAS bad. I have a scale which is more new, and correct, so naturally my moms old piece of crap scale is over by like 5 lbs, but still minus the 5 lbs.; I have only lost 1 lb. since I started which totally pissed me off. I wished I had made today a restricted day or something, and not a total pig-out day!! Argh....why does this crap have to happen to me!!! I can't even be successful at not eating! It's so ironic!! I know it hasn';t been long though so thats why starting tommorrow I am going to have to drastically decrease my calorie intake. I am shooting for 200 calories, all day, everyday. I can't afford to have these shity results after doing so well. I am even thinking that I might do 2 days of restricting, and then one day of fasting, and repeat my pattern like that. I can fast pretty easily, just not for a long period of time cause I get so sick. I've fasted for 4 days and been fine though,and one day is like nothing to me. My G-parents are leaving tommorrow BEFORE lunch, (hell yeah!) so I do not even have to worry about eating w/the fam at all!! Well, my mom is making some b/fast cake thing for the morning, but I'm just gonna tell her it looks weird or something and I don't want it. She won't care cause she didn't make it for me anyway. So, starting tommorrow, I am only doing 200 calories, and I think I am gonna do that Sunday as well , and then fast on monday, and so on.

I just hate food so much!! Why does it have to be so much of a part of everyones lives?!?! My mom tells my dad he needs to lose some weight again, and sometimes she goes on her atkins diet to lose too, YET she just bought a gallon of Chocolate ice cream, Peach frozen yougart, and those donuts. Is she trying to wreck my life??!?!?!!! How is anyone in my house going to EAT better if she buys that crap?!?!?? She's such a hypocrite when it comes to things like that! She thinks she knows everything, yet she does weird crap like that. I hate the way my family thinks everything is all fine and normal. I almost wanna laugh at how superficial they are! They think as long as someone is smiling that they are OK, but that shit is not true. I have had problems with food/weight since I was 8 yrs. old and I TRIED to ask for help when I was younger, but my mom wasn't helpful. She told me that it was "hard" to lose weight, and that I would have to be really dedicated if I wanted to do it. She ascted like I couldn't, yet here I was this little girl torn apart about my weight, thinking about how i looked 24/7 unable to have fun and be a 'normal' kid. She then dismissed my plea thinking that I would "grow out of it". HAHA, don't you just love that line!

SO, I am never asking for help from them, yet they still aren't helpful at all. I think my mom suspects I'm not eating but doesn't care cause she doesn't think I'll lose weight or get a problem. I hate that, that she doesn't care! Well, I AM gonna lose weight no matter what, and screw her if shes gonna try and do anything about it. Ya know what- when I told my mom i wanted her to help me lose weight when I was 8, the fuckin' bitch TOLD me to starve myself!!! I remember her saying that to me kinda seriously, and it freaked me out at the time cause I couldn't believe she said that to me cause I always thought it was something bad. Thats kinda what got me into ana-ways. Hell! my mom said it was OK!! lol

I think she knew I wouldn;t do that or she thought I wasn't able to at that time, and thats why she said that, but I remembered that shit, and I can;t wait to throw that back in her face if anything ever gets out of hand. But, I seriously don't want a problem, I just wanna lose weight, and take up less space like most of the other ana people. I didn't know what anorexia was when i was 8, but I sure know enough about it now.

So thanks mom, I think I'll take your advice..........