Dear Diary,

Yeah--so I'm really pissed off about my avoiding tendacies that i have adapted since not eating or whatever. (i can't call it an e/d or anything yet, i would just feel weird about it)

Anyway-- One thing I have definitely noticed is that I'm such a loner now. I am so isolated, but i made myself that way! I have avoided almost every social situation possible since I came home from school so no one will see if i have changed or not because i don't want anyone to see me until i am at least more than 1/2 way towards my goal! I missed all of these things: seeing my friends at Christmas, New Years Eve parties, friends Jan. birthday, State Basketball Championship game even though i was a big player on the team last year and shoulda been there, a goodbye to my old basketball coach reunion, Prom, Graduation, church continuously, and many other small events that i declined attending or made up an excuse. It's realy terrible. I never go anywhere, although, I am so bored sometimes, but when i go out, I get so mad at myself for looking like crap or not good enough. Ugh--especially when we went to the mall the other day. Seeing so many skinny, beautiful girls in the town where I am going to college made me so ill!!!

I hate feeling this way, but if i go out all the time, I'll be forced into positions where I'll have to eat or drink (alcohol) and that'll wreck me and my diet!!! And also, the fact that I have NOTHING to wear, cause I haven't bought new clothes in forever, and whenever i did I bought lower size clothes refusing to buy a high size, so now i have a closet full of kick-ass clothes in sizes 5-13. It' so crazy, I really do have a bunch of outfits for each size. But who cares----i have just read some other diarys of some girls w/ana and stuff and it totally motivated me more. I think I am gonna add exercising to the fasting mix and see what i can do.

A while back, when last spring break started, I was so obsessed w/exercise and stuff. I remember running forever on the treadmill and then almost collapsing on the floor drenched in sweat, and while i was sitting there, i would drink water and lift weights to help me lose more and not waste time--it was crazy, but it felt good. The Treadmill actually cut off because it only counts to a certain amount of minutes ,and I had been on it for that long, and it just cut off. My mom got really mad at me, but i was more pissed cause I lost all my cal. info/ and distance. But it wasn't like i wasn't staring at it the whole time anyway, so it was ok. I lost like 10 lbs. that week, and when i went back to school, I was able to wear these smaller pair of jeans, and a girl commented that it looked like i had lost weight. I liked that she commented, but i was instantly defensive. I laughed and said no, and commented on how ridiculous it was cause i didn't do anything. I didn't want anyone to know or notice cause i wanted to lose more, and i was desperate to not let anyone think i had--it was strange. but ANYWAY-I wanna get back to that point, but further....

This one girl whose diary i was reading, exercises all the time while fasting. She sometimes fills dizzy, but says it goes away soon, and she is able to continue,so I am gonna start doing some exercise. I always feel so bored when i am fasting cause so much time is planned around food everyday. I have all this extra free time, but nothing to do....I can't wait to get started though, I am ready to be "obsessive" about it all. I hate being in between or eating all the time. It's always easier for me to not eat, and just get into the obsessive qualities rather than worry about how much to eat and all that stressful stuff.....

Oh, well..I guess i better go to bed soon. ha! my family is going to this festival in my town tommorrow, and i know maybe a lot of my friends will be there, and i am purposely not going (again) but this time i have kinda an excuse. My guy friend Clint asked me to go somewhere w/him this sat. before he has to start summer classes, so i have to go do something w/him which still sucks ass cause i have to find something to wear, and he is definitely gonna wanna go out to eat. but I am gonna exercise off 800 calories tommorrow morning while my fam is at the festival, and then i can eat a little and not feel too bad.

Then maybe I'll lay out in the sun for a few hours, even though the sun is bad. Yeah, i know this, but being tan makes you look skinner, and i am about to go to Key West in a week, so i am not about to be pale and possibly get burnt, but i tan pretty easily anyway so maybe it won't be too bad... I guess I am gonna have to drink a TON of H2O tommorrow then, since i'll sweat in the wrkout/and in the sun. Oh well, so it has to be. well, ttyl, i gotta go to bed if i wanna work out while the fam is gone cause i'm sure they won't stay too long. The festival is not that great! Later!! and Goodnight!!