Dear Diary,

Hey, it's me yet again. Today. Hmmm......what to say about it? I don't think it deserves much attention. It wasn't a good day, but it couldve been worse I guess. I am just looking forward to the next day when i can fast for real. I know I have always been a big advocate for fasting, but thats because I want to lose weight as quickly as possible sometimes. I used to be more intrested in the 2-4-6-8 plans etc. and things like that to keep tricking your body and metabolism so it doens't go into starvation mode. Basically it's like this:

When you starve for a long period of time, your body goes into starvation mode and starts storing energy, making you tired. It conserves everything and basically uses the most little amount of "fuel" it can thinking it needs to conserve to stay alive. However, if you eat anything while in starvation mode, your body will immediately convert that food into fat still conserving... Eventually, the body will use the food, but not after you have a few extra lbs. stored as fat from the fast. BUT THERE IS HOPE....IF you fast for a LONG period of time and do not eat, your body will eventually have to start taking the fat you already have and start converting it into energy etc. It does not have easier carbohydrates to convert, so it relies on your fat, and eventually it will use up all your fat. A longer amount of time if you have a lot of fat to lose. Once it uses most of it though-you better start eating a little because your body will almost eat itself to death.

So, I know all this, but I have a lot to lose and I wanna lose it fast. If I started exercising and eating healthier now, I would Never reach my goal, but I also don't really wanna screw up my body, so I think I am gonna fast for at least 11 days cause then I am going on vacation and I'll just have to restrict. But I am gonna restrict from 200 cal. ---to 600 calories always keeping my body from getting used to the amount and going into starvation mode. And I guess I'll continue to restrict when I start my new job, eating considerably more on the days I have to work and very, very low on the days i do not and exercising some. Hope this is a good plan, cause I just have to lose weight by August!!

So, the concert the other night was very cool, but my friend made me leave and I was really pissed. She wanted to go to some club and see some girl from her work play in her band which was SO not as good as the band we were watching!! I was really mad and I haven't talked to her since then, but we sometimes don't talk for a couple of days cause we are so busy and she is in another town. Anyway, so on the way home, i just randomly called my ex-byfriend cause he called like twice a week before and i never called back. I didn't think he would be there, but he answered and we ended up talking (as I was driving down the highway at like 1 am) for forever (2 hours i think) Anyway, we started off ok, but then when i was talking about my roomate next fall and how she was a slut and liked to go out with other girl's guys or ex-boyfriends and how she better not do that to me; he got all defensive like 'oh so you are already thinking about dating someone else?' It was so weird cause I was so over me and him being together ever again?!?! But then when I think about it, I guess since I haven't talked to him in forever, that I kinda healed my heart on it's own and never told him about it, but why should i have??? Anyway, I thought he KNEW how it was gonna be and i guess i just assumed he knew we would prob. never get back together or see much of each other. I told ya--he thinks i'll always be there no matter what, but last time was THE last straw, I tried to tell him i was really leaving this time, going to a new school and all, but he still just thought i was "overreacting." Whatever, he's tasting his own medicine now. He acted all shocked and surprised about it all ,and I was almost mean about cause i really did not think he thought we were gonna still be together at all after what he did to me and with me moving away!! And then I told him point-blank how i didn't think i could forgive what he did to me ,and how he was a shity friend now, and that i could never go out with or would never have even considered going out with the person that he has changed into now. He changed a lot and it was definitely for the worse. I told him straght up, and the funny thing was--this time I didn't care what he said about it, I really was moving on. I used to feel bad and maybe get upset by it all, and we would later talk about it and make up kinda, but this time I was basically like 'I am threw w/you and us, we're never at the same point in our relationship, and there must be a reason why, the relationship is all played out, and we just need to get out before it drives us more crazy!" And it's true, we were never right for each other, but we still held on for so long (too long!) I told him how it was, and we hung up, and i think he was probably a little sad and definitely mad about it all, but whatever, he needs to feel that way. LOL...it's summer and he's bored, I bet he was thinking about trying to get back w/me over the summer so he wouldnt be bored...He just seemed like he was gonna say something like that to me in the beginning of the conversation cause he was asking me when i was coming to visit..lol But when school starts and all his friends come back, he then gives me the cold shoulder?!? Fuck that shit again, I lived and learned!!! Now,I feel a inner peace about it though, I think I really have let go, and I am excited about possible new relationships. Ahh, life COULD be getting more perfect after all, starting fresh,ick but only if I could just lose this stupid,damn weight!!! Ugh--