Dear Diary,

hey, it's me again. I know It's been a week i think. Well, I guess I should be happy cause lots of things are happening for me right now. I just got into my dream college which I am transfering to for the Fall. I kept my scholarship, my best friend is talking to me more, my dad agreed to help me pay for some of my apartment, I'm going to Key West in 2 weeks, and to top it all off; I am at the end of the 3rd day of my fast of nothing but water/vitamins, and diet coke. Why shouldn't I be ecstatically happy?

Well, I am, and then I'm not. I'm a little afraid at how dedicated I am to this fast. I think something clicked this time. I have about a million reasons to do this fast, and I haven't eaten in 3 days and my parents haven't said a word to me. They haven't even asked me to taste anything, or said a simple 'do you want some of my fries?' I know I told my mom I was going on a diet in which I would eat a big lunch (when shes at work) and then drink slim-fast for b/fast and dinner, but she hasn't even checked! I put a cup w/a spoon in the sink twice to cover my tracks, but she seems unconcerned, and thats good, right?? Or does she just think I need to lose weight so bad that she doesn't care? Oh, well I guess it doesn't really matter. I just really do not want to eat. I have too much on the line. I cannot be fat when I go to my dream college, and when I meet all the new people. We have a pool at my apartment and my best guy friend is already talking about bringing his friends over to layout with us by the pool!! I can't be fat then!!! My other roomates are skinny and I'll just look like a huge cow!! I just have to keep it up, and continue to not eat. I think my desire is gonna go away soon. Everyone says after 5 days, your stomach doesn't act hungry , and your desire is gone. I guess I'm not really hungry(the metabolife is taking care of that ;), but my desire is still...there. What I wouldn't have given to eat certain foods today!! But then I think about it, and I know that the food is never as good as you think it will be, and then I know how bad I'll feel if I screw up the fast. Plus, I have 2 solid days behind me already--why screw that up now? It's not worth it for everything I want to be thin for. It's for my own personal self first of all, but it applies to everything else ya know. I just HAVE to be skinny for this new school--you just don't know.

My past, is so filled with failed attempts to lose the amount of weight I wanted to. Every year, at the beginning of school, at prom, for the summer,over and over etc...I have wanted so badly to lose weight so I could feel/look better, but I have never lost more than maybe10-15 lbs and usually gained it back. And I am so tired of that, I think that 'click'is there this time. I'm tired of wasting my time, I don't even care anymore about "doing it right" (haha like there is a 'right'way!)

I am happy, but I am afraid that I could be sucked into the "dangerously real" world of anorexia, but ya know what--I don't even care, it doesn't even matter to me now, I just wanna be thin, I wanna almost feel my bones. I WANT people to notice! I want them to see me as one of those thin, skinny girls even if they happen to think i am 'too skinny' I don't care. Because I have Never been skinny -in my mind- and I have to get to that place!!! I know I have a pretty realistic view of skinny and healthy right now, but I just hope it stays the same so I don't get into that danger-zone of ana.....I should be happy, things are good....I just have to keep going at all costs...

My first weigh-in is gonna be on my 11th day. I purposely wanted to wait a while so I would definitely see results. I know it's weird, but I have this weird feeling that I'm gonna make it this time, especially when I have so little temptation from others to eat. It's scary, but I also feel this weird immense excitement and dedication. Wish me more luck! Later!