Dear Diary,

Ok, I know it's the same day as my last entry, but I just felt like saying some more, and I am on my computer now, and it so....... much better that my dad's old crappy computer.

Well, I still haven't ate anything , although, I've been kinda tempted too, but I am trying not to even think about food at all because I usually end up making some deal with myself about eating something when I start thinking about it. Like earlier, I was dying for some soup, and it's tempting cause there aren't many calories in it, but then you gotta think about it maybe like the last time you ate it. It wasn't that great the last time I ate it, so it's really just desire to put something in my mouth...

I know 3 days is not that much, but gosh, if regular people only knew the Amazing willpower it takes to not eat. Anyone that acts like not eating is easy is a lying sack of crap. I think it takes amazing willpower and strength to not eat cause it's a natural urge, and it's strong mentally and physically. I have great respect for people that can do it, cause I think It's hard, but I think I can do it. I just can't wait until the damm urge goes away!!

Well, I don't wanna write all about wanting food cause it'll make me want it more and I totally don't want that! I really wanted to talk about the reasons I wanna lose the weight so maybe anyone who reads this can understand where my determination is coming from......

OK, well I have been obsessed with my weight all my life. I remember praying to God everyday since I was 8 yrs. old to help me lose weight anyway possible. I wrote an intense letter to my mom when I was like 11 crying out for help. Yep, and she acted weird, and acted like I wouldn't be able to try hard enough to lose weight, and then she pulled the whole, "your still growing probably" crap on me, and then she never said anything else about it. I'm still bitter about that cause I really needed help and comfort then and she really threw it all back in my face. So, I never talked about (my) weight w/friends even when they complained about dieting etc, and how "fat" they were. I never joined in cause I felt like the fat girl when skinny people say they are fat. (dont ya just hate that!!!) I wasn't ThAt fat , just like 15 lbs bigger than skinny people. I don't think anyone would've seen me and said "shes fat" but I was just a little bigger than the skinner normal girls. I have amazing low self-confidence because of the whole weight issue, but if you saw me--ha--you'd laugh at me for saying i have low confidence! I guess I can try to say this w/o sounding conceited, but I'm not really ugly physically and all. Most people think I am very pretty, but i don't care, I am not totally pretty. I don't wanna be 'the girl w/the pretty FACE!!!!' A long.. time ago, some of my kinda-friends even said(not to me) that I would be gorgeous if I just lost a little weight. That crushed me cause didn't they fuckin know?!?! I was trying, I was always trying!!! No matter what I did it wouldn't work, and for a long time i didn't wanna do anything that was unhealthy, but screw that! I was VERY active in sports and ate very healthy yet, my weight stayed the same give/take 5 lbs. I couldn't believe it! I exercised heavily almost twice a day and ate nothing but food pyramid type foods...cereal, sandwhich, vegetables, meat, drank nothing but water always.......And I didn't eat very much, but I never lost weight. I even tried the Atkins diet, and followed it closely, but didn't lose 1 single pound! So here I am desperate and probably f***ed up cause I don't give a damn about whats healthy anymore.....And I still have the lowest confidence of anyone I know, it is so ridiculous, and i hoped being thinner would help, but it might not. I know people who lost the weight but found out they were still not happy, but i hope i can change my attitude once i lose the weight and maybe gain the confidence...

--REASONS RIGHT NOW FOR DETERMINATION--

1.) New college, new friends. They have no idea about my past and they will get an instant great impression.

2.) More confidence to meet guys/friends etc.

3.) Wear all the awesome clothes I have in my closet that I can't wear...I luv fashion stuff, but i hate not fitting stuff....i wanna try stuff on and not feel like crying for once!!

4.) I wanna just show up to some big function and see some of my old friends etc. and just WOW them, but not act like it's a big deal ya know.

5.) See my Ex-boyfriend. Here's the kicker! We went to the same college first-year and when he joined a fraternity , he gave me the cold shoulder but still wanted to keep me around. He betrayed me as a friend and as a kinda-g/friend. We had been together on and off for 4 years straight, and as soon as the frat/boys came around, it was like he forgot who i was ,and what i had done for him for 4 years. He really did treat me bad, and of course i was upset, not just because we might really never talk again, but i was also losing a close friend. It all started when the fraternity made him keep secrets, and then he couldn't tell me stuff, and he'd get mad if i asked. Pretty soon, he didn't tell me much of anything, and i got tired of talking to myself on the phone, so we parted ways. We had a lot of jealous encounters w/other girls/guys and a lot of random drunken sex, but we were definitly drifting apart. I tried to tell him I was leaving (the other school) and to try and give him the hint that he was really about to lose me for good this time. But He said I was just over-reacting, and that it would all work out for us and that he did care about me. Well, I wasn't buying bullshit anymore then., and the love i had turned to an emptiness and an intense anger. He wasn't the same guy I loved obviously, I just had to come to grips with that, and I did. I let it all go, and i actually feel better. I don't like him like that anymore, and I'm not even bitter anymore. I've moved on, but I know he wasn't there when i needed him ,and he turned his back on me. He sucks as anyones friend now, and I really don't wanna have anything to do with him, but i can't be so mean when he calls. He still calls sometimes trying to still be friends, but i haven't called him, and it's because i can't forgive him really. I've always been there for him, no matter what. I was there when no other person in this world would have been, and he totally brushed me off. I never would have done that to him. I could be the busiest chick on the planet, but I wouldn't have forgotten him because you don't forget true friends. I would've made some time for him, but he just took advantage and thought I would be there for him when it was over, or when he was bored and ready for me to be in his life again. And i was kinda there Physically, but the cut had already been made, and there was no way I could feel the same and be even friends with him anymore. I want him to see what he lost. He totally let me go...and he is not that wonderful. He's a kinda nice guy(used to be nicer) and he's ok cute, but he'll never get many other girls that look like me, and i think he kinda knows that, cause i saw some of the girls he took to the frat things(not even cute), but he hasn't come to grips with it. He knows I look good, and he used to love it cause guys would always praise him, and say 'oh, your g/f is so hot!" and he loved that, and i just was like' whatever' cause his friends were stupid anyway. I want him to SEE what he let go...so I am gonna be HELLA GORGEOUS when I go to visit my old friends there in the Fall. I told him I was gonna go and visit my other friends down there like a couple weeks after classes start, and he asked me to come say hey to him too. LOL Your damn right I will!!! I am gonna be so amazing looking, I wanna just knock his fucking socks off ,and i know it will work cause he's impressionable like that! I wanna lose tons of weight and then act like nothing has changed for me. My hair's gonna be great, i wanna be tan, perfect makeup, the awesomest outfit you have ever seen, perfect nails etc...everything!!!!

If I don't have any kind of guy/dating thing going on then, I'm gonna make up some guy I'm dating and say a little about it, but I'm gonna act like everything is great, and I'm gonna keep it short and sweet. I can't give him time to try and talk to me like we have a relationship, i just wanna be like "hey-see what you gave up and are missing, and how well i am doing w/o you!" and then leave.....leave it all behind.....BUT I'll HAVe the last Word Even if I didn't have to actually "SAY" Anything!!

Thats a big reason for the weight-loss, but it's untimately for myself mostly.

I just have to do it this time.....