Dear Diary,

(What I need to look like by SP!!)>>> Well, i did well, lost a few lbs. but i gave in too early cause i knew i would have to eat this weekend with my parents, so i started eating again, and now there not even f-in coming!! But I have to start my major fast as soon as possible cause i only have so many days until spring break, i am so tired of being overweight and thats all people talk about nowadays.....Bullshit--thinking everyone is happy and accepts themselves. Every girl i know wants to lose weight right now, so you can't tell me that if i lose weight that they will be jealous no matter how i did it. Plus, ya know, i just did a report on plastic surgery and liposuction, and i would havhe to say that starving yourself is much healthier and better for you than lipo. Lipo is so dangerous, people don't know too much about it, but if you do some research you will see how premature and barbaric the science is right now, yet they still do it so often. Anyway, I also watched that TrueLife thing on MTV the other day about all those people with body problems, and damn, i want my stomach stapled!! lol, that really would help me....but guess i can't do that, but damn, it grossed me out watching them undergo those procedures! Anyway, i have decided I really do hate food, even when i do eat stuff i like, it's kinda lost it's taste and whatever it was i liked about it cause i know hoe bad it is hurting me and fucking up my life. I only eat cause i can't, not cause i need to or am hungry, so fuck it, why eat? I am starting to fast more seriously tommorrow even though i was doing ok earlier. I gotta get back on track......i only have like 2 1/2 months of college left and i have some pretty cool things coming up then, i can't wait until summer, i am so ready to be out of school.

Scott and I have been on again and off again still, and we had yet another serious talk about breaking up the other day. He doesn't want anything serious,but neither do i really, but i can't stand not being important in his life right now, and i just wanna get so far away from him no matter what. But i can't. I am stuck here. I feel like I have to compete with him or something while i am here, and i hate that. I hate seeing a party going on at his fraternity house not knowing what is going on, or who's there, or who's hitting on him etc. Scott really is busy and is not looking for a relationship, but still---that won't stop slutty ass hoes from throwing themselves at him at their drunken parties!! I just feel like such a loser cause i am not out meeting people, and maybe he's not having as much fun as i imagine, cause when i go out, we have fun, but we don't instantly meet tons of people. I guess i am just upset about it and i imagine the worst. Since we are not seeing each other for a while, i wanna lose all my weight and then just show up one day and be looking AMAZING and be like "Oh--Hey?!" and act like it is nothing or that i haven't changed at all. Anyone that reads this---let me tell you---you just don't understand what losing this weight means to me--you have absolutely no idea how much of my personal success weighs on this, my self-esteem issues, my love problems, my shy-ness...etc...the list goes on. My success personally is riding on this, and of course if i fail, i'll just be back where i always have been and i will always be the same, so i have to be successful for myself, to survive in my own life!