Dear Diary,

what's up!

I guess i have not written in like forever, but you know how at sometimes, you just don't feel like recounting every single fact about your life! Sometimes it just pisses you off or puts you in a bad mood....anyway..... I am on Day 2 of a fast that is going so sucessfully, i have this new found energy and zest for fasting--it's crazy. Everyone around me wants to lose weight or is, so damn, how can i screw up right now?!? This really overweight friend of mine whom i love to death and never talks about her weight decided she wanted to lose weight and buy some diet pills and eat better, and she keeps talking about getting the pills etc, so i am kinda getting in a competition or something, i dk, not with her, but just with all the people who are trying to lose. What if they do?!! Then that means i am still a tub'o'lard next to the skinner them!! I can't have that! My roomate has lost like 15lbs due to some medication she was taking and it was just a side effect, but now she DOES look a whole lot better! And her clothes look so much more appealing on her and she is a lot happier! I'm like DAMN! what medication are you on?!! LOL--i don't wanna do that though-it's heart medication anyway cause she has a bad heart valve or something. Anyway, I don't feel like eating when they talk about all that, it encourages me more!! Plus, Spring Break is coming up and i had just gained back the 15lbs. i lost in like a week and plus 2 more!! I thought i was going to die seeing those EXTRA 2 lbs. come back, but i guess i did kinda do a lot of binging over the period of a few days thinkin i would fast the next!! Anyway, i look at it like i WILL eventually get to eat the foods i love, just not for a little while---so now I am on day 2 of a fast anticipating tommorrow so i can get it over with and check my ketone level with these strips i got from my mom when i went home. (she works at a DR.'s office) I just have to get through this next weekend without going out, cause going out means drinking and food to absorb it so you don't get sick. I HAVE to do this! I am excited somewhat, but i know i will feel differently in a week or so, craving some Wendy's or something--lol---- Well, according to the Hello ANa web site, hunger and more importantly hinger DESIRE goes away almost entirely after the end of the 5th day, so I am just hoping to get to DAY 6 and see if i don't care about food anymore--that would be so awesome cause i am NEVER hungry, i just think about food and when i will get to taste it , (aka.desire--not hunger) so I can't wait for that to go away. On all the semi-fasts i have done-(iguess 3 so far) I have never been hungry really-ever. I mean, my stomach is kinda growling right now, but it does NOT hurt, and i am not in pain or anything-if i drink some water, it will go away for a while and then i will be asleep and it will be ok anyway. I hate not fitting into all my clothes and having to buy bigger stuff---you don't even know what size jeans i bought the other day, i felt like shooting myself, i know i have almost a J-Lo ass, and thats one reason a lot of clothes don't fit even though my waist is the right size, but still! to get those pants past my ass, i had to get a high size which i can't even bear to write down here!! Buying those pants give me motivation to practically never eat again, but i had to have something to wear to work etc..... Well, i am gonna drink some water and go to bed, gotta get 7 hours so my hunger doesn't naturally increase from lack of sleep etc.! I am excited and happy right now, i think i can do this this time! Food sux--it IS the enemy, you don't NEED much of it, and it just destroys you if you are not careful- Sorry, i wasn't blessed with a high metabolism, fuck the accepting yourself bullshit--that's just what fat people say to make themselves feel better, but damn if they don't cry everyday about their weight anyway. No one has really accepted it, HELL--society hasn't accepted it ;therefore, simple individuals can not really ever accept it when being overweight is deemed so negatively! Well, wish me lots'o'luck, i'll check in later on, when i have some cool results! i had a crazy weekend also, but thats another time, and another post!! Later.......///////////////////////////////////////////