Dear Diary,

hey, i know I haven't written in here in a while, but i wish i had cause i have had a lot of stuff go on in the past couple of days. I did go on a pretty good fast about a week ago and i did well, but then i had to go home for the weekend, and i planned to break it for only 2 meals, but of course you know that didn't happen once i was around my family and all. I was doing so well, I went 4 days without eating, it was awesome, i just made up my mind and that was it. How come when i eat--the days FLY by, but when I fast the days drag on for an eternity and i feel like 4 days has been 2 weeks!?! Why is that? When i eat i do so much more damage to myself and i don't even notice, but when i fast every second goes by slowly, but it's not that i am hungry--it just makes every second of the day count? i don't know how to explain it. Anyway, i was at about 12lbs down from my highest weight that i started at, and now i've practically gained it all back in a week of eating!! why?!! I was doing so well, and I am motivated, food is not that great. I know i can do it again, i just have to keep it up and do it for longer no matter what. They say after 5 days your hunger pretty much goes away, so i just need to stick it out until then. I wanna start my fast tommorrow, but i know i will be forced to eat either friday or saturday, so I am leery to start, but i think i am not gonna eat tommorrow just because and if I can get through Fri. and Sat. then that would be great!!

I also started my new job which is cool, it's a lot of hard stuff to remember, but I'll learn, i just hope I don't ever feel so weak that I pass out or anything cause that would be so embarassing!!

Scott and I are pretty rocky right now, we haven't really decided anything about our relationship, and we talk sometimes, but our lives are so busy, and we never have too much to talk about on the phone cause he never talks and he won't listen to me either. I try to say stuff, but he never really pays attention and it just pisses me off, so now we have absolutely NOTHING to talk about and it's just gay to be on the phone together, but i do like to hear from him since i never see him. Do you think maybe this is the crumbeling downfall of our relationship?? That would suck, i think maybe it is, we aren't doing anything and maybe we are just drifting apart. He just won't fuckin communicate with me at all, and he's such a selfish asshole. He asks me to do stuff w/him, but if i can't, he won't wait until i can even if it is possible. he's so selfish--and then i talked to him on the phone and asked who was taking them to the bowling alley cause they have to go for some reason. And he was like "my friend." i was like well, does your friend have a name? And he said "yeah, but he's just my friend, you don't need to know it?" i was like what?!!? so i don't need to know the names of your friends? and he said"No." SIMple just like that!! WHAT THE FUCK?!? THAT is BullShit right there!! hell no, if i'm gonna stand for that shit, he had to tell me to hold on for a sec, and then he got back on and whas like ,"ok, what?" And I said "nothing, i gotta go," and he was just like "ok." and i hung up right after. He's such an ass, i wish there was someway for me to show him what he's fuckin up. I'm the only person that knows him and has the patience for him, and he treats me like that--he'll find out sometime i guess. That's why i wanna get skinny and all cool for Spring Break etc, meet another HOT guy and then see him one day on campus and just be like, "Oh, hey, how are you?" If he doesn't call or spend time with me, what makes it not ok for me to date other people. I just wish I wasn't so damn picky. Otherwise, i could do that sooner maybe. I just want to get back at him, cause i feel like he's hurting me and getting away with it, and i want him to realize what he's doing and missing ya know?? If anyone has any suggestions that reads this--leave me a note and tell me--lol I know probably not that many people read this anyway, but i just HAVE to do something, and i HAVE to lose weight. I am getting to the point where i don't think i even care if anyone(after i lose weight) thinks i am anorexic. What are they gonna do about it--they can't MAKE me eat!! Plus, they won't find out really until I am pretty close to my goal weight anyway, and maybe they won't find out at all, i just hate eating now, i NEED to lose weight, i am so unhappy at this weight now---food is not that important, your body can go w/o it. I just wish i had a good time to start my fast cause every day that goes by is practically another pound on the scale!! "Cheating gets it faster!"