Dear Diary,

OK, so there are a lot of weird things going on now. So, Scott and I had a big fight after like a week and 1/2 of that lets see other people thing. We were trying to decide what to do with our relationship. I even went out on a date with this other guy last Thursday too, but Scott and I still like each other, we just don't wanna be all serious and isolated again. I gave him an ultimatum, told him I was probably leaving next year and that I wanted to end it then forever and just walk away ya know. There are no solutions, we don't wanna be totally together right now cause we are still making friends etc, but we don't want each other to go out with other people cause we will get hurt and mad. There's no answer. So, i was pissed and thinking maybe i should just let it all go, but when i tried to tell him that, he wouldn't believe me and said he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore, but he didn't think it was the end for us. We ended up talking about it in a friendly way, but never really came up with a definite answer, and then that night, lol--after i got kinda drunk and had a fight w/my roomate, I was all upset and I called him. He woke up and came and got me and I stayed with him for the night and well ya know how it goes, being drunk+ spending the night with your still-in love with ex-boyfriend= ? duh--sex!

Anyway, so that happened, and I don't feel weird about it or anything and i don't think he does either. Then the next day he called me and we talked and he invited me to just come over and hang out with him, so i did for a little while, and shit happened again, but it was a conscience decison this time. I mean, it's not unusual for us, cause we have been together so long, we've had sex over 400 times or more over the course of 4 years, probably more times than that, so it's not like SuCh a big deal as it would be for other people who don't know each other as well. We have been doing it for so long, that it's not such a shock if it happens. Anyway, so now I have absolutely no idea what we are gonna do or where we are going. Maybe we can just do this stupid crap for a while, until May so I can leave ,and then I'll be gone and we won't see each other so we can't get mad or hurt. But May is a long time away, and I'm sure something will happen before then, and if he wants to date other people than I really and truely want him too. I want him to be happy. I don't want him to be with me and always be one of those people who thinks, "what if...." That would be terrible! But he said he doesn't know anymore what he wants, and i guess neither do I. Even if he asked me right now to go out with him seriously again, I really wouldn't want to. I like my freedom to keep my options open too, especially in college. Plus, I'm not ready to settle down just yet, i mean, damn, don't rush it, I still wanna have fun! ;)

I don't know what to do with that ,and I haven't lost anymore weight, but I am going to try and figure out how to start a longer fast next week. The weekends screw me up cause my roomate always wants to go out and drink, and i like to drink, and I hate going out totally sober ALL the time, it sucks ass!! But, alcohol has calories, and i can't not eat for a week and then drink and think I'm not gonna get sick from my empty stomach, but i have got to lose weight!! Scott has even teased me a little about gaining some since college, and he isn't mean about it, and he doesn't say it all the time, but it drives me insane!! I just wanna cry and never eat again when he says that!! It's not cool when other people notice, but i have to think positive: I have lost 10 lbs. which is great , I just need to lose like a TON more. But the thing with fasting is: the more times you do it, the less it will work cause it messes with your metabolism, so I need to do it one good time, so it doesn't do the yo-yo thing. But, everyone always wants me to eat w/them and i CANNOT throw up, i think that's gross and people would find out about it! I don't know much about laxatives either, but a lot of people say to not touch them cause they are addivctive and very harmful.. I don't know what to do. Why do I always feel so confused about every area in my life!!!