Dear Diary,

hey~~ i know i haven't written in a while, but i've been busy, sad/happy a lot ,and i just didn't feel like writing down how i felt at the time or about what was happening. So, last week i was pretty sad about the whole Scott thing , but i never called him--not once, even though he said i should call him about some book i was gonna borrow from him for a class. Anyway, I got this crazy idea in my head that I would not call him ,and try and borrow someone else's book for the next 2 weeks so I could try and lose some more weight before I went to see him so I'd look all fab ya know. Well, I only have that class once a week so I would only need to borrow someones book twice, but still it was kinda a unreasonable goal to set on. What if Scott just decided to bring it to me one day---that would've messed up my whole plans. Anyway, I still haven't gotten the book from him ,and I am going back on my fast tommorrow.

So, I was all depressed last week and sad, I thought a lot about Scott and mine's relationship. I was planning on transfering to this other school i luv(which is harder as well) after 1 or 2 years and because of all this, I really wanna just go ahead and go next year ya know. I mean, why should i stay really? I would have to leave the next year anyway, just because I really wanted to graduate from there. SO, why wait another year and endure more of this crap or keep on playing these games w/Scott. We have been on and off for 4 1/2 years, why?!? I don't know? Do we really still like each other that much?--or are we still in love with the people we were? Can we ever be again or are we just wasting and hurting each other's feelings? I can't answer these questions alone ,and Scott doesn't want to think about them. For the past couple of months, he's just wanted to do whatever he feels like at the moment and not think at all about anything. He wants to be totally impulsive, and that's not cool at all. I always think about what I'm doing , or if I am doing the right thing or if I am doing what i want. He just wants to go with the flow about life, but i can't keep waiting on his sorry ass to keep flowing, cause I am about to start moving right on with that current right on out into the ocean of new things! (i know that was corny but you know what i mean) lol Plus, I don't even know that if he asked me out again right now, if I would want to even go back with him seriously. I haven't seen everything yet, and though I love him, I think maybe we could use this break and be broken up totally. He will be able to date other people while i am gone w/o hurting me cause i won't be there to hear or see it and vice versa with me. And if it's meant to be, than it will. We will be more mature later, and maybe we will get back together after college--who knows? And i guess , sadly enough, if we don't get back together,than I guess it just wasn't meant to be. I feel like he has just told me i wasn't good enough even though. If you met and/or saw Scott and I together you'd be like, "Girl, why are you w/Him??" Scott's cute, but I wouldn't say he is equal to what people think i am more equal to. I don't like to think that about myself though. I don't feel near as confident as people think i should from my outside appearance. It's sad and somewhat funny. People probably think i am stuck-up or have everything and am so cool or either way self-confident etc. But I AM SO NOT! I have less confidence than probably anyone you know, I feel like I don't have anything and I am so not a slut, I don't date too much and I am so just normal and not like what people think. Anyway, people always think I am too good for Scott and maybe I am (outwardly), but he really does have a cool personality. I have known him for so long, (5 years)--how can you just cut that all off and say goodbye?? I don't know. I think I should just let him go w/him thinking he broke it off w/me cause I have a feeling he will regret it later after he dates some of the hoe's around here. No one can be like me, I have known him for 5 years, no one can compare to that no matter how long they know him in college!

So, I felt all bad and I went out this weekend twice and got drunk as hell both nights. Note: my diet was going well before I had to get drunk/eat some. Anyway, I don't regret it, I needed to go out and meet people and feel better. I met 2 guys in those nights. One was really cool, but he was not cute and kinda old, so I didn't really wanna carry on w/that. Then this other guy, whom I am going out with tommorrow called me today and yesterday. But he is kinda cute and way built!! lol--I was so drunk, i feel kinda embarrassed, but I was just touching him, cause it was so cool

ANYWAY, i know i am going on and on and on about all this, but i have so much to say and i think about it so much--it really affects my life. I just wanted another guy to go out with so maybe i wouldn't feel so worthless and it would take my mind away from Scott. I don't know.

Well, I have lost 10lbs. from my starting weight, and I am going to start losing more tommorrow. I am going to fast all week, and then maybe not on the weekends since we might go out, and I really don't wanna stay home and feel like a loser. Anyway, I have to lose more weight; i don't know if I am gonna do the book thing with Scott or not, maybe i can pull it off, and be more skinny by then. That would be an awesome feeling if he noticed, or if I just looked amazing. I have these awesome pants that are too small right now, and I would love to wear them, they are the coolest pants!! Scott did call me Saturday afternoon to tell me something dumb, actually he asked me to go eat lunch w/him after i had said i was kinda sleeping before then. I asked him if he didn't have anyone else to eat with, and he said he didn't know. But i don't know if he really understood why i said no. I said no because I didn't want to--and weren't we supposed to be not talking?? But i think he might've just thought i said no cause i was sleeping. oh , well though, at least i turned him down. It's rude for him to ask me to do stuff w/him just cause no one else is around, that's just using me. I am glad i said no! Then the next day, he briefly talked to me, and I acted weird, cause-in my head-- i was like "why is he calling me?" he didn't say much, and i didn't either cause i wasn't going to act like everything was ok. He probably thought, ok, she's weird. But what was i supposed to act like. I couldn't act all happy. I wanted to just yell at him, like "what do you want, why are you calling me if you don't like me!!" But i didn't want to be mean and piss him off.......uh...............my life is so confusing....... Well, I am on the road to losing weight still, wish me luck with my love-life...I'll check in later after my date tommorrow--oh it's gonna be so awkward i think.....ahh.......goodnight though!