Dear Diary,

Hey, I have really bad news, and I am really depressed. I don't really wannna talk about it right now, not even here on my diary. I am sad, and have mixed feelings. I am so confused...I think I am getting semi-depressed. So, Scott , after my 3-night stay and cool days with him where he wanted me to come stay with him early . Well, he thinks i am trying to get all back serious with him, and I NEVER thought that. To tell you the truth, i never really thought about what was gonna happen for our relationship. We've always been together off and on for like 4 1/2 years, we're never not together for less than like 2 months or less. We always end up back together, out of likeness, or out of necessity? i have no idea. I do love him, but I have often wondered if we are just still together cause it's just like a way of life for us now, or if we really still have something. We ARE so different now, but we still know each other so well. Well, he said he didn't know what to say if a girl hit on him, and he feels like he's missed some opportunities and he wanted to know what i wanted form him. I was like "what?!?" i never said I Wanted anything! SO basically he just wanted permission from me to date other people and then he was almost like "ok, bye" about it. He was so uncaring about being with me , it was almost scary cause it came out of no where, and just the other day he was so nice! I am so confused! It really upsets me that he was just so ,ok,bye with it all ya know. Like all he wanted was to be able to justify himself for saying yes to some damn whore that he likes or likes him. But also, maybe we need this. He hasn't gone out w/a lot of people really (like 2 ) and I have done more dating, so i guess he's tempted now cause people are hitting on him. But it pisses me off, cause I made that boy! I don't wanna sound conceited,but when he first came to my school, he was a big dork, and I liked him after talking to him during classes. He wasn't cute then , but i saw past that even though my friends would never stop criticising me about him. Well, I faced the adversity to be with him, and he eventually got cuter and more cool, and was able to stand on his own ya know, and I was just happy he was alright now. And now the bird has flown the coop and thinks he is just hot shit and can turn on me. I don't mind if it is meant to be, but how can he not be a little caring and thankful for all the times we spent togeher? I don't know what to think. Is it for the better , for the worse? I wish I could just move away far , far away form here so I wouldn't have to deal with him, or see him, or anything.

I might be transfering to another more kick-ass school next year, and then i won't have a choice and we will be through with unless we choose to contact each other maybe later on. I just don't know what to do. I wish I could find another guy like Right now so I could not care about him and get over it. He's all in w/the fraternity so there's always lots of slutty girls around. I just feel so nauseous about the whole thing. How can he just not care all of a sudden and want to just be like "bye!" But on the flip side, He has been a lot meaner lately, he never listens to what i say, and he ignores me sometime. If i didn't know him so well, I wouldn't put up w/it if he was like some new guy. So, now I just feel like crap, i feel like I'm not good enough or something. I'm gonna die if i see him w/someone else. I just wish I was anywhere but here right now, but there's no where to go. I can't wait until the year is over. I wish things would get better. I beleive in God and I've been praying hard core for help, but no luck yet. I hope things pick up soon. I have been fasting for the past 2 days, so that makes me feel a little bit better. At least I am losing some weight so I can be better somehow. I have lost about 8lbs. from my original weight so far, hopefully 2 more tommorrow and so on. I am sad about the Scott thing so fasting just makes it easier and simple. I already feel like crap, why eat and feel worse? It's the only thing i can do right now that actually works and makes sense. It's the only thing I can do that comes through for me. Well, now I'm all depressed talking about it so I gotta go, there are some very small good things happening in my life right now, but I don't feel like mentioning them. The Scott thing basically takes over my whole self right now. And the job people haven't called yet. My mom says to give them a week, at least, but I am getting even more sad about that! I NEED something to take up my time right now, i need to have a time-consuming life right now so I don't have to sit here and do what i did tonight---which was download like every relationship break-up song off of aimster that i could. I listened to them all and was just totally pathetic. Why do i care so much? Scott Has been a big asshole, why can't i just let it go and not care and move on!!! why? why do i have to care? should i let it go for real this time? Ahhh.......i'm so tired of it all.