Dear Diary,

Hey, today was THE boringist day--is that a word, no i don't think so, but oh well. I didn't do much at all. I stayed at Scott's again Friday night. It's cool, but I'm beginning to feel weird about it, we don't have sex ALL the time or anything, but i just feel weird staying over there SO much!! It's better than staying alone, but I just am so worried that once school starts back, he's gonna get all wrapped up in everything and forget me. Well, I'm not the type to let someone take advantage of me really. I have a real commitment problem and whenever i think I'm gonna get hurt, I run like the devil or play stupid games. I know, i know, it probably only hurts me in the long run--I'm just afraid of getting my heart totally broken. I know it has to happen eventually and that it will make me stronger, but can you blame me for trying to put it off as much as possible?? All my friends and my sister have been totally hurt , and after seeing that, I am scared shitless! My sister was the worst case, she literally went into depression and my parents seriously considered getting her professional help after a year had gone by and she was still showing symptoms of the break-up. She falls too hard , too quickly though. It's ridiculous how instantly she gives her heart away. I've tried to tell her, but she never listens. She thinks anyone who is nice to her and decent is her future-husband, and never imagines life w/o them. If you ask me , she's just walking around looking for a heartbreak. Me, on the other hand, I go out with guys and NEVER give my heart away really. Even with Scott, I love him, but for the longest time I denied it to everyone and even to myself, and then only to realize when he was gonna be gone that I had fallen in love w/him and never noticed or acknowledged it. I hate to get hurt, I won't let myself be. I am so dang hard-headed like my dad. Heard-headedness can be either an advantage or a disadvantage. It gives me unimaginable strength and power, especially when i was a kid. Nothing my parents could do could hurt me or touch me, the hard-headedness made me so unfeeling towards anything they would do. I wouldn't give up for anything. It really is a crazy-powerful feeling. You feel like you could hold out forever no matter what anyone did to you cause you believe in your cause so, so much. The band Seven Mary Three wrote a great song about it called appropriately "Headstrong" I'm gonna post some of the lyrics here cause it describes it so well........

________________________________________>>Headstrong is willing to live like a rat in a hole

>>Headstrong unwilling to listen to anyone at all

>>Keeps her head above the water

>>Keeps her head upon her shoulders

>>I know, I know, I know she has heard this all before

>>She don't break, she don't sink, don't think, don't think a thing... of me

>>Headstrong can fake an awkwardness

Silenced by the price of love

>>Don't get too close in case, push comes to shove

>>Won't be your favorite girl, won't hear our favorite song

cause She's heard that song before

>>I don't mind

She knows the words I'm writing

>>We all need some pain

And remember

>>What you told me

We all bleed the same

>>Headstrong is making a list so long

Of all the people she has done and undone again, my name engraved

>>She doesn't notice the things that I take for granted

>>Were my own to give, my own to give and take

>>She don't break, she don't sink don't think......

>>Don't want to give or take my love, don't break, don't sink, don't think... of me

________________________________________

Well, it just tells how being so stubborn can make you so unfeeling at times, it's not like your not compassionate or anything, just at that one moment you can make yourself so headstrong you can withstand anything. It's hard to explain.

Anyway, so I am afraid of good relationships and am very picky about guys. Scott just kind of surprised me when i had feelings for him, but i don't know if we're supposed to be together or not. We're not the same people as we were when we once met like 5 years ago.

Well, i know this is a boring entry.....I did good today only eating one meal.......I want to do less though, but I've just had trouble.

I found some good jobs though from the other day. Most of them are at resteaurants and one is a clothing store. I'm going to apply for like everyone of them after my first class Monday. Wish me luck!! I'm gonna go to bed , even though I could write more tonight, but I'm afraid it wouldn't make any sense right now since I'm so tired. I gotta clean up tommorrow before my roomate brings all her stuff back to school. All my stuff is on her side of the room right now, I really need to move it before she walks in!! haha, GOODNIGHT!! 7M3 Rocks! ;)