Dear Diary,

Hey, I don't know what I am going to do!! Sorry, i am so frustrated right now! OK, going out with Scott tonight didn't work out, but I'll see him the 2nd when i go back to college ,and I told him I'd spend the night w/him or stay w/him for a while. Now my best friend wants me to go out with her and meet a hundred of her friends and her whole b/ball team and go out and party. Sounds fun right, but I don't wanna meet all those kooky people she keeps telling me about. And I don't wanna meet them all in this body i have right now!! I mean, I know i shouldn't avoid her or her new friends, but i really want them to meet me when I am better looking. Plus, I have nothing to wear, I have hundreds of great "going out" clothes, but they all look bad on me now, so now I have nothing to wear to even try and make me look decent--i can't go!! I can't subject myself to meeting all those cute guys and girls who will see me as her "kinda fat" friend or something. I just don't feel confident at all right now!! I have to lose this weight!! It's making me isolate myself from everyone!! I do wanna go out and party, but I will just feel dumb. I don't know any of those people and she will certainly leave me and fly around and talk to everyone she knows. I don't know what to do?? She will be mad and upset if I don't go especially cause I don't have a better excuse for what I am going to do.

See, really, I had to eat some food earlier, and I was planning on running it all off on the treadmill since i only ate like 500 calories, and I can burn that off pretty easily if I just run for a while on the treadmill. I also feel like running just too release all this pressure. I don't know what to do though?? Do I go out and meet all those people who will get that impression of me--or do i stay home and run off that food?? It's not like i won't be happy at home, i gotta a ton of stuff to do and i gotta pack and stuff. What to do, what to do??? I don't know, i really wanna run though and be back on track w/my diet cause i gained back the 2 lbs. from the other day when i ate all that food, but I was still +3 lbs. so that was good, and I wanna keep that +3 lbs by running that food off. what to do?? I'd have to go ahead and start getting ready if I was going out, and it would take me forever cause i'd have to look perfect to make up for my weight ya know. I don't have anything to wear though--everything makes me look fatt-er!ahhhhhh.............this is so stressing me out. Also, my bf said this other friend of mine was gonna go too, but she is the perfect girl who wears like a 4 or smaller and she's the same height as me. She really does have a great body, she could be a model, but she's never expressed interest in it ,and I guess she could only be a catalog model since she's only 5'8. ANYWAY>< WHAT AM I GONNA DO!?! i wish someone could help me here. Scott and megan(my best friend) DO NOT get along, so Scott was no help, he told me to tell her to just 'fuck off and quit calling', and i was like 'whatever' you know i can't say that. He's so retarded, i don't wanna be mean to her and ruin her chances to invite me some other time cause i do wanna meet everyone-- when I can be confident and feel OK around them etc. Oh this is so terrible, well i gotta go, i need to figure this all out..........................wish me luck I NEED IT!!!! oh, yeah, Happy New Year's i guess-lol-i'm so stressed!