Dear Diary,

Bad news............ahhh...........why does life suck SO bad?!? OK, today was NOT good day in terms of diets or anything else. It started off ok though, but when sharply down hill. My mom went to church today ,but my sister and i didn't go; my sister had to rest her eyes and she was tired, and I didn't want to go to Sunday School alone, so I bailed out too. Actually, I have dreaded going to church lately. I don't have a thing to wear!! OK, actually I have like 12 million skirts and dresses, but none of them fit that well,and the ones I like; I am too fat to wear now, so getting ready to go to church really depresses me. Plus, I usully see people I haven't seen for a while when I go ,and I hate for them to see me. Let me explain my craziness....

You see, I have this dream to come back from college and casually just be totally and awesomely thin and great looking. No one sees me that much ,and they would be so shocked and jealous. I realy, really, really, really, wanted to reach my goal before Christmas ,but it didn't happen. I was even avoiding my friends when I would come home for the weekend cause I didn't want them to see me yet. I know that's wrong, but it was really important to me. I came home a lot and never told anyone I was at home. It really didn't bother me cause I would just come home and relax for a few days ya know. Anyway, I was so sad when I realized I wouldn't make it in time for Christmas. I ended up having to see my friends ,and I only hope they never thought about commenting on my weight to each other. My best friend a while back when college began, was telling me about my friend who was always small that had gained a ton of weight. She said she had gained some as well, but it was muscle cause she still wore the same size 6 that she always had.(she plays college b/ball remember?) Then, she told me about this other friend who gained 12 lbs, and so on, and then she asked if i had, and I was like "no, not really, i'm pretty much the same." I hope they didn't notice my weight! See, all my friends are way skinny,like size 7 and less, three of them wore sizes 2-4 all the time, but some of them were my height as well so that really makes me feel like crap!! It made me feel so bad cause I played all the same sports as they did, ate basically the same foods as they did, (sometimes less) and yet I was still fat!?? WHY!!???! I just figured I was destined to be that way and I never joined in on there 'i'm so fat' conversations. I just always felt like I wasn't the same. Not that that's a bad thing cause I don't want to be like everybody else. I hate people who are just followers and who are shallow etc. I like to be independent, but still, I just felt like I wasn't as good as they were or something even though I was much nicer, , and friendlier than they were. I don't like to say good things about myself, but I have to give background info. Anyway, so my ultiate goal is to come back looking great and just walk up to them as if I am totally the same. You know what's funny, they'll probably be pissed when that day comes cause now I would be competition for them, ha ha. I don't care, I'm not looking for spite, I just want to shock them and feel great for myself. I can't wait for that day, it will be the best day of my life! :) I want to do it sometime before sprng break, so they'll see me and then I'll be swimsuit ready as well. I can't wait to walk up to them though dressed all great and skinny. I don't wanna brag, but I have mad style, I've always had an eye for fashion and stuff like that,I used to want to be designer, but i don't know now, I wanna have a job that definitely makes some moo-lah! Anyway, I know I'll look hot, but I just gotta get to that day!!!

Well, now that I've made everyone feel all good and glowy, let me let the bad news come crashin' down. I ate like crazy today basically. I did good though at first. My mom brought me home a Subway sandwhich(which I luv cause i like that kind of non-greasy food) ,and I ate by myself in the living room saying a movie i wanted to watch was coming on. I hid the sandwhich is this bag, drank my water, crumbled some bread crumbs and brought my plate back in the kitchen. Wah-lah! I ate the sandwhich-- so they think. That was a real cool thing for me though cause I love Subway , and they are low in calories so it was very tempting--hmmm.... Well, later on, I was cruzzing the net when these ads popped up. Pizza Hut ads! Oh, no! So, my mom suggested we go get a pizza and I was so sad cause I had been craving pizza hard core. So, blah, blah, blah,I ate like 4 slices:( Terrible i know, but w/a diet coke :)

Still, though, it ruined me, then I drank some milk , had a little chocolate donut or two,drank some orange juice, had a handful of that popcorn i love that I talked about earlier, and then had more milk aka hot chocolate!! WHY? WHY? WHY!!!!

I couldn't tell ya, and I don't know why I did, cause everyone knows good and well , once you break your diet and eat something bad, it only gets worse, and I knew that!! My initial plan was to try to burn off the pizza by running , but it woulda been like 1,300 calories and theres no way i coulda done all of that so late at night, plus I screwed up even more w/that other stuff. My parents get upset if i run too long though. I made the mistake one time of showing my mom how many calories I had burned ,and that the treadmill automatically shut off since I had been on it past it's counting limit. She got pissed and made me drink a gallon of water. It was great though, I was a little shakey, but didn't feel sick or anything, i downed the water happily though. That was a while ago though, when I could run 3 miles easily. I wish I could take my treadmill to college w/me, but it won't fit!! Anyway,so I totally screwed up, and ya know what, when I checked the scales this morning, I had lost 5 lbs!!! You think that would be motivation enough!! My family just eats too much, and they eat things i love; it's so tempting. I think I am going back to college 5 days earlier than it starts just to get things done, and mostly so I can diet freely. My roomate won't be in until like the 5th or 6th day so I can fast really good then, plus we don't have any food there ever anyway.

I am so mad at myself for messing up, I know it happens, but still. So, I am not gonna eat tommorrow or the next day and then the day after that I'll leave to go back to school ,so it should work better being away from my family and all the food!!! The only thing is, I am going to see Scott tommorrow or I guess today now since it is the 31st now. But, he might wanna eat something and celebrate ya know, like go out to eat. I don't know what to say. I think I'll tell him, he can get something and I'll sit w/him ,but I'm not hungry. He'll wonder why, but I'll get by maybe. I still don't know about the drinking thing though?? How do I get out of that?!? My bestfriend at college is gonna be so pissed if I don't go out and party w/her. She'll ask me what' wrong like a milion times i know, cause she knows i like to drink and i do :D,but not now, this diet is more important. She likes to go out every weekend, so I'll need to get out of at least 2 or 3 weekends?? What can I do??? She knows me so well, she'll be so curious why i don't want too, I'll have to have a really, awesome lie to tell her cause she'll see through a lot of stuff. Oh, well tommorrow's another day.......I know I should not look at the scale and see how much damage I have done since it will only depress me more, but I just gotta know, how bad I screwed up, so that I'll know what I'm losing the next time i take a bite!! Iguess I'll do that walk of shame tommorrow morning. Well, wish me lots and lots of luck. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!!!!!!! Good luck with those New Years Resolutions everyone, i guess you all know what mine are~~LOL, ciao

~*2002~*2002~*2002~*2002~*2002~*2002~* PS>> Don't forget to kiss the one ya love at the stroke of 12!! :<>