Dear Diary,

Hi, so day 2 is over and all I have to say is Ggggrrrrrrr..............but NO unfortunately it's not my stomach talking!! Well, this was supposed to be day 2 of my long fast, but instead it just became a diet day. Well, I started off OK, planning how to get out of eating all day and then WHAM! My dad tells me I have to come pick him up while his truck is being fixed around 12:00pm and he wants me to come get him and go to lunch together(ha..like it's a treat?!?) Anyway, so now I have no way out, I am stuck spending this quality time, he won't let me not eat when he does, and I'll feel weird just sitting there watching my dad eat when we're supposed to be enjoying each other's company. I tried to tell him I ate a late b/fast at home, but he insisted i get something and I had no way out, so I did the horrible; I ate. It was at this resteaurant so i had to find out via internet later about how many cals i consumed. Luckily, not too many, and I furiously exercised most of them off, so I still did ok, but now my fast has to be re-started. Why can't people just leave me alone when it comes to eating!! I wish there was something I could say, a illness or something to be an excuse to not eat, but my family knows me so so well and they would laugh at some of my excuses and see through them, so I have a hard time getting out of eating with them. I tried the cup trick once--spitting your dinner food into an opaque cup at dinner instead of drinking or eating. It is very risky and you gotta do the dishes later so your not found out. It worked the time i did it, but it was really bad, i waited til no one was looking and spit, but it was so risky. Sometimes, the food would still show at the top or get stuck and i had to frantically wipe it away, it was absolute craziness!!

So, now my parents are going out of town tommorrow and there will be no hassle until Sunday. Well, I know the date up there says the 28th, but technically the 28th hasn't begun for me yet, since it's 2am for me right now. So, tommorrow my fast will begin, and because i screwed up, i think i'll exercise a lot more now, it's hard, being so cold now, to exercise and i wasn't planning on doing much before, but now that i screwed up, i think i need some extra push to my weight-loss.

I was kinda sad today, this guy,Scott whom I have this huge history with--very long story--well he and i got in a fight the other day cause he was supposed to go do something w/me while we were both home for college break,but last minute last night he wanted to come over and i looked like crap, needed a shower whatever, you know what i mean. Well, he wants to come over then for just a little while to eat and then go see a friend. Well, me being the fashion girl like I am, well it takes me for-ever to get ready, I don't know why, i just don't like to rush and i like for everything to be perfect. Who doesn't like to blast their CD player and sing into their hair brush while getting ready sometimes, lol well i guess i just have a few too many performances. Well, i didn't want to get all ready for him to come over for like 30 minutes when he was SUPPOSED to spend like a whole day w/me ,and he knew that! So, we got in a fight and i told him not to come at all, blah, blah, blah and we hung up on kinda bad terms. Well, today I was in the town where he lives, (20min from me) doing stuff and i was gonna try and hang out w/him and make it all up, but his mom said he just went to town and I couldn't find him, I kinda drove around looking for his truck, but i knew i'd never find it, so i just went home, and now I won't see him for like another week and a half. Oh, well maybe I'll have lost a few pounds by then and I'll be looking fabulous.

I don't know if anyone who reads this cares, but I was gonna talk about sex alot on here too. Every kid knows about it really, so I hope no one is offended, but it's part of my life as well, so might as well not hold back. Anyway, I was gonna talk about another aspect of why i gotta lose weight. I feel so retarded having sex, absolute zero confidence. I mean, I have been with Scott on and off for about 3 years and have known him for like 4 1/2 years. We mostly had sex all throughout those years so it's not like i just didn't do it cause i was ashamed of my body. I just kinda cut off my emotions and it was not that enjoying to me cause i was so ready to get it over with so he wouldn't see my gross body. On the other hand, at first he was cool about everything, he even liked my body probably cause he hadn't seen that many naked girls in the flesh, but now I've gained a little more weight and I don't know what he thinks? I feel so stupid. I'm not that fat in the eyes of society, but I'm fat enough for my tastes and I just don't feel sexy or confident or however your supposed to feel--except when i'm drunk i might add. "DRUNK SEX IS THE BEST SEX!" (w/someone you know and consent to)It's true ask anyone! Your inibitions are totally gone and you just get all wild and crazy and no one cares, if you do something stupid, blame it on your drunkeness, no embarassment!! Also, there's no way that guy can be staring or thinking about your fat stomach etc. he's totally pre-occupied and will forget what he thought anyway. Everyone just has a grand ole time w/drunk sex. So, now this body image stuff is fucking up my sex life and it makes me not want to do it until i lose weight, and holding out for stupid reasons even though i know i want to -only makes Scott pissed off and think I'm weird or something. He's not forceful or anything , if i don't feel like it, he's like OK, why? then whatever, maybe another day. But I can't hold out forever, I have to lose weight now and increase my self-confidence!! That's just one aspect of a reason behind my wants to lose weight, just thought i should introduce you to my love life cause I'll be talking about it more later.

Well, I gotta get alot of sleep tommorrow , atleast 7-8 hours so hunger isn't increased for my fasting. Fasting isn't really that hard for any of you ana-wannabes, day 3 sucks bad, but besides that, it's not so bad. You get a high from not eating and you find food is gross and you just do not want it at all. Can't wait til' I get back to that feeling, well I'll let ya know how it goes tommorrow or i guess today since it's already morning. Talk to ya soon, wish me luck yet again, this time i'm going all the way and + some more!!

Goodnight ALL!