Dear Diary,

Hi! <> This is my first entry in my diary! So, this is gonna be about my life AND mostly about my diet! Lol--what did you really think a girl would think about besides that?? Anyway, so I'm this girl from a semi-small town, I'm creative, I'm athletic, I'm independent, and I'm pretty, got a great car, got great parents, cool house, so you think I have it all right--wrong!! You see, growing up, I was a little bigger than everyone just slightly and it bothered me like nothing else. I wasn't "the" fat girl or anything, I just wasn't EVER the "skinny" or "thin" girl. When everyone talked about their weight , I never said anything, I didn't want to hear the ugly truth. I played sports, was in shape, but still like a size 12 throughout highschool even though I played sports non-stop. I have been obsessed w/me weight since age 8, sure it's sad, but that's what I have learned from this world. I have never been good enough, just close enough to smell the goodness of being thin, but never close enough to touch it or become it. Being a little overweight caused my self-esteem to be low, and I became shy even though at home I was a complete actress and loud-mouth, but at school, I always just tried to fit in and kinda keep my weight invisible. So, I've harbored all this non-weight loss woe in my head for all these years. I never wanted to be anorexic or bulemic, I even did projects on why they were bad, but now I am in college and have gained more weight my freshman year. Things are at a climax, and for the past year, I have been researching eating disorders and know tons about them now. I have decided upon using my "good" common sense ,so I have been told, to go through w/this disease,,why?? Because the risk does not outweigh the reward at all! You don't lose much physically, but you gain so much more when you lose the weight. So, here i am having gained the dreaded 15 lbs., that i sworw to evrything i would not gain, my heart is just utterly broken now. Do you know what it's like to set a goal, the most ultimate goal of your life and then to fail?!?!? It's the worst feeling in the world, worse than any physical pain! And that's what happened, I can't believe I let myself fail so bad! It has to stop, I'd rather be dead than continue on like this. So, now after all my research, I am so Pro-Ana, and I am beginning my first long fast tommorrow. I have been planning forever. I did a few under 5 day fasts and they were Ok, I could've done them for longer, but I had a thing were I had to eat so I broke it even though I was not hungry, hunger usually goes away after day 3. Anyway, I am attempting a 30-day fast. Many religious people do these, and the other benefits that come from these fast can be amazing. You totally detoxify your body, your skin is clearer, everything is fresher, you cleanne all the american-grease filled food out of your system entirely. Your energy can increase as well. There are many benefits, but oh yes you know the best benefit of them all---weight loss!! You can lose up to 7-15lbs in a week fast. In an 11 day fast, you can lose from 15-20 lbs. so just imagine what a 30-day fast can do?? So I am not sticking to a definite number, but i think i am aiming for at least 30 lbs. or so. Any weight that comes off will be great, but i would like for it to be anywhere from 30-40lbs. I am 5'8 right now, 168 lbs, i used to be 150-155 in H.S. It's just getting ridiculous, I love clothes and I am dying not being able to wear but like 2 pair of pants that are the only ones that fit and hell no,I AM NOT BUYING a bigger size!! So, enough about all that, this is getting to be a long entry, but I am starting tommorrow strictly water and vitamins, wish me luck, and really everyone pray that I achieve this, cause If i don't lose weight this time, I don't know what will happen, I don't know if i will able to deal with that failure, I have to do this for myself, I have always wanted it. Wish me lots of luck, Day 1 tommorrow, c/ya then

buh-bye!