Dear Diary,

Feeling really weird today. First day at the beach in Destin. Just feeling out of place with the family and all. It's so hard to fit in sometimes.

Joni was nasty to me regarding my tattoo, saying in a McDonald's it was nasty, and was trashy like some guy standing in there. I defended myself, but then she was jokingly threatening about telling David. I retaliated negatively, couldn't help myself.

Then in the car, I was looking through photos to show an example of how I had been to destine and saw a picture with my darker hair color underneath, and showed them and said, my hair looked good like that. David glanced and then said, no it doesn't. That looks 'trashy' or something of those lines, with Joni chiming in too. I said something to the effect that just color in your hair doesn't make you a satan worshiper, etc. They said I know, but it looks stupid. Then Dad said, 'Aren't you too old for that?" :"How old are you?"
I told them, it was creative expression, and I like changing hair and fashion and how Dad doesn't know much about that. I even said to him, 'how can you be so cool, and yet not be cool about fashion and style?'

I just feel so out of place, and then at dinner, Matt and Lindsey were joking about starting to drink red wine for health. But they were making fun of it, and joking, and Joni was commenting. Jan was asking how to pronouce the names, and then I told her how to say them all. She sad wow you really know your stuff. And I said yes, I used to pull wine when I worked at a nice restaurant and I learned all the popular brands and such.
Then they went on to joke about it, David even chiming in.

Just moments like that, I can't stand them. Wine is good in moderation, and I sometimes feel like I'm in the wrong family, so uptight and conservative. They joke about those things, but MAN could they use a little wine lol. David even joked with me in the store how we should buy them some, and it'd loosen them up and we'd have a much better time playing card games stuck indoors during the rain.
The difference is, that DID sound more fun to me, but David wasn't gonna follow through. I don't like how he changes depending on who he's around. I really get an inconsistency from him, one moment it's okay to be independent and do your own thing, the next, oh you gotta be conservative and not do those things. There's like these 'unwritten' rules and they are NOT clear.
It's okay to be myself and be creative, but only if it's creative by their standards. Anything outside of that is too much, and it makes them uncomfortable.

And I'm dreading David seeing my tattoo. He's the only person I can connect with here, and if that is compromised, than I'll be left to my own devices, and I don't think I'm strong enough to stand up to the whole lot of them. I just really want to find other people or my people to hang with. I don't want to be ostracized for being different, and I'm so alone here. It makes me want to be with Stela and Vasil even more, because at least they accept me as I am. They don't SHAME me, or criticize. Makes it hard to be on my own. Makes me wonder how I can stay around them and ever be really happy. I always feel held back or like there are stipulations to me being accepted. It's hard when I have no allies, and that's part of why it's SO hard to lose Vasil, he was at least an alli with me.

I know we can still play card games, and do family stuff etc, but I just don't like being judged. If they were strangers, I would't care, but they get under my skin, and when there are so many. I just feel STRESS over it. Like I almost would rather be alone that with them because it's easier, or just with people who are not as judgemental.

Matt was even joking in the elevator about 'glitter tattoos, ha we can get one at 2 on Mon!, cmon lindsey!' David, said 'tattoos, ugh!'
It's just little things, and I know I'm overly sensitive, but I can't help it. I feel this sense of desperation to hang out with people who aren't as uptight, and I kind of have always felt like that on family vacations. Wanted to be laid back, have fun, etc. And it's not just me. Katie from LOL work asked me, 'oh are ya'll gonna get a tent and some tropical drinks or a cooler' I was like, 'well, my sister and her husband really don't drink, so I don;t know' Which is lame, because our WHOLE family ideal is about pleasing somebody else, pleasing someone else who's own decisons are always changing and can't be pleased. This happens until David flips out and does whatever he wants, hurting whomever. I don't know how the black sheep of this world get along and live in families. How do they survive with any independence and confidence? I think they leave, and like move away right?

ugh
More later�.