Dear Diary,

Turns out you can't really lock your diary. Oh well. You can but it's like a lot of drama, and whatever, I'm over it.

Anywho, yeah that last entry, it's all still true. Eating disorders do destroy your life, and even if you don't think they will, or you 'think' you don't quite really have one, it'll still inch in there and steal your life away in some way, shape, or form.
So, I've realized that b/c it got so bad and to a point where my life was crumbling. I literally was SO unhappy with every single thing in my life, and didn't have much to hold on to. It took some tough soul searching and realistic mirror searching. You can only be in denial so long.

So, I am still picking up the pieces. Literally, I know now what a lot of my problems are and how they started, and how they grew into this big huge mess, but I am still stuck in parts of it. Afterall, you don't royally fuck you life up for 10 yrs and then patch it up in 1 year of realization or hard work. It's a process like everything. So, instead of trying to undo everything that's been done, which could take forever! I am trying to stop the blame train and just figure out where to go from here, and be smart about the mistakes. The past is the past.
Of course, the past is still here and won't go away fast enough, but I digress.

That's all I can do for now.
So, hindsight is 20/20, the whole e.d thing really destroyed my self-esteem, but before that it made me crazy, reckless, and experiment with a lot of drugs and alcohol not to mention destroy my body in lots of ways. Then after the violent era, so to speak, I broke down shortly after a DUI and brief stint in jail(at least that was the extent of it), I really wasn't able to be reckless, and dramatic anymore. Nothing like a brief jail experience to sober you up to realty and how if you don't solve your problems on your own, you can be solving them in black and white stripes and a concrete dorm room!
Soooo...then came the break-down era where I just literally gave up. I just gave up fighting and became apathetic and an empty shell. I just accepted that I wasn't meant to be happy, that this battle with weight and food etc is just my life and how I'm just a sad story, tragic. And I stayed this way a while. Things got better with my boyfriend b/c I stopped fighting him, I stopped being myself, and I just let him run the show, and I just stopped caring. I stopped fighting for what I wanted, what I deserved, and what I NEEDED. I just gave up, and accepted that this was the best I could do, and thank goodness he was a decently nice guy. So, what if we dont have sex, so what if he doesn't have anything in common with me, so what if he tries to make me more conservative, so what if he makes me feel more worried and stressed, so what if he reminds me of my mother, so what if they are the same f-in personalty myers briggs personalty type!! argh!! And on top of that sticking to a job for almost 2 years that I hated and sucked the creative life out of me!!!

Somewhere after like a year or 2 of what I like to call a medicated coma of food and suffering. I woke up, went to therapy, and said ya know what, I DO deserve to be happy, I DO want to be myself, I DO want to decide what is needed in my life, I DO want to beat this battle, and I DO want to find a happy medium, and I DO want to Live life if only for the fact that there is more to live and more unknowns, and hopefully more happiness out there for me.

And I'm awake from that coma. But it's still a struggle, and I'm still on the tale end of it. I wish I could say I was further away, but I'm still in parts of it. But I'm growing by leaps and bounds. And I'm learning more about myself and trying to give myself more of a break. Trying to not let food or fat control everything although it's still HUGE in my life. I mean, I'm on a diet right now, but I'm trying to not let it mean everything. ANd I'm trying to fix all the other pieces.

I guess you can't fix where you've been if you don't know where you are going. I'm taking huge strides, and I hope I can keep doing it. I want to get out of my relationship, I want to be alone, I want to lose weight more healthily, I want to DECIDE what I want and need, and I want to find a happy medium between party girl and conservative girl, and slutty and wholesome, I just want to be me, no drama, no acting out. I found a great quote I love, since I have had such a hard time trying to decide who I am or what I should or should not be. So many food and body image things distort my image. I fantasize over those old times when I felt like me, me uninterrupted by media, self-image, guys, etc. Me who was just creative, fun, and pretty, and not afraid of all the consequences. Here's the quote:

"Don't worry about finding who you are. Get rid of all the things you're not and whatever you are will show up"

So cool. because it's true. I'm working on that. But anyway, I plan on updating in here more often, keeping track of my diet, how I'm feeling that day, and all the trials and tribulations of day to day life. I just wanted to document that I am working on it, I am learning more and more how to deal and how to fix, and I think I will be stronger for it in the future.

Anyway, gotta get to bed, will hopefully get a chance to update more tomorrow.

ciao