Dear Diary,

What a familiar feeling?

So, I have been feeling depleted all day. Trying to look for other jobs, researching business ideas, entrepreneurial stuff. Alll dayy....just killing my brain. And I've been feeling so dejected lately, the economy totally sucks! My sister got laid off from her job too a while back, so I am just feeling the economy pinch lately!
Well, V's just been going back to school, and I've been holding his hand through it.
We haven't really talked much, and yesterday we had a big fight.
I was in the middle of telling him some personal story and sharing with him, and he was working on his phone the whole time WHILE driving. So, I ask him if he's listening, and he says yes, so I keep talking. Then he interrupts, and says, 'I don't want to interupt you, but can you look on my phone, and open the internet?' I stare at him and blink a few times. And then he continues, " I have a page on Safari open with a ShopGoodwill auction that ends in about 5 minutes, and I need you to bid on it for me. $15.00. It should be the first safari page when you click on it."
I am like 'jaw-dropped'. Ummm....YES that would be an INTERRUPTION ASSHOLE! So, I'm fuckin pissed. I get on there and wait for 5 whole minutes until it ends not saying ANYTHING to him, and then I try to bid on it, and he says it'll ask you to log in after your bid. I asked him if it will still take your bid and he said 'yeah yeah'. So, then I bid from the first page on Safari, but I had copied (copy and paste) the $15.00 part to be faster. When I pasted it, it randomly pasted some text or old URL info, so I had to refresh and type it again fast to try to get to the log-in page really quickly. So, I actually ended up losing the auction for some $5.00 ski helment he wanted. So, I told him I couldn't get it and why, and then he was like "Whatttt?!!" and got all pissed at me.
So, then I got TOTALLY annoyed and told him off. WTF!!! I was in the middle of telling him something important and he interrupted me to do his stupid shit, then yells at me b/c I didn't do it right in the last 4 minutes before some stupid auction is over. So, then he takes the phone from me, complaining. But then he sees I bid on some shoes because the page was on some show page and NOT on the other page. But of course HE told me the first page in Safari, and I was busy trying to tell him an important story so I didn't notice. So, then he wasn't as pissed, but I CERTAINLY WAS. On top of that, he didn't even EVER ask me to go back to my story or what I was talking about. I was SOOOOO pissed, and we had a terrible night and tried to break up.

Which brings me to tonight.....similar situation. He got home from school, after dinner, we were talking. I was telling him or trying to tell him again how distraught and anxiety I felt all about the job stuff. I even told him man, I just need some reassurance and love. And he was sitting staring at me, kinda hugged me and said, well don't cry. I said, I know but it's hard. And then he said' well don't cry because you'll be ugly if you cry.' I stopped short, 'wait, whhhhat?' And he was like, again you'll be ugly if you cry, your eyes are already all red' I was like, 'what, you're telling me not to cry cause I'm ugly if I cry?' and he was at first like, 'yeah, your eyes are already super red" Then I got more upset, I was like 'wtf, you can't DAMN up your emotions!" Then he was back-tracking and was like, no I mean you're gonna mess up your make-up. I was like, I don't have on that much make-up. I was like, 'v, that's a terrible thing to say to someone'

I don't know how he meant it or not, but then he got up and got pissed and went into the bedroom and slammed the door. Then I am sitting here like, 'WTF, why am I getting punished for something nasty he said to ME?' What is wrong with him, if he made a mistake he should just say, no I didn't mean it like that, and still be comforting to me, and I would get over it. But instead he just dips out b/c he didn't want to listen to me anyway. I'm pretty sure he wanted to go to bed early, so I think he just used it to do that now. And I'm still left here with no help and no support from him. And he's not even concerned about that? I still am left here with nothing, feeling empty and not comforted or supported. And that's how I felt yesterday too, he consistently doesn't come through for me, over and over and over!!! It's SO annoying, I am ALWAYS let down by him. I really need to just leave. It's so ridiculous. I packed most of my stuff yesterday, I might just need to follow through with it. It's so ridiculous.

Half the reason I stay is the comfortability, it's so ridiculous because he's always not coming through. I know these 2 issues are not that giant, but it's like this ALL the time, I go through weeks of not being able to even have real conversations with him where I get to share anything. It's always all about him, or he'll wake me up like he did the other day at 8:30am because he forgot he had a quiz for his class and didn't know how to take it online. I mean, stuff like that! No care or consideration at all for me, and he's not even interrupting me and bringing it up later. Like, oh sorry for the interruption, what were you saying? He doesn't even do that. I seriously need to get out of here. I just need some push. ugh!
Just wanted to write this down and keep writing these things down so I know why I left one day!!!