Dear Diary,

Man, I'm feeling really confused lately. It's the economy, and everything, and I just feel kinda lik eit's all crashing in on me. I know I need to update about the trip to Bulgaria, but I'll try to later or after this. Just need to get these feelings out first...
Well, we've been back for about a week and half now, it didn't go too well, but V and I only fought one big time there. And we had that huge fight before I left where I was maybe not even gonna go.

But we're back now, and I have been all about action lately, but not entirely mentally prepared for it.
I quit the newspaper/mag job, I just couldn't handle the stress of it when I got back, and I was desperate to look for something else. I was thinking how I need to get my shit together, and get some security and probably just suck it up and take a corporate job for more money. I mean, I deserve that, I have a ton of skills, but the desire is lacking. But I had kinda decided that at the time, and I quit the job, just didn't go back, but I let them know of course. It sucks because I still do need some more money to pay my dad back from some of the Bulgaria trip money, but I just couldn't make myself go back.
It would have meant continuing to live this back and forth lifestyle. Driving to and from my parents house and the city, and continuing to live out of a bag which I refuse to do.
I am just in such a mixed up place right now, it really feels like the Twilight Zone to me. I mean, I go to counseling and tell my counselor how much I think V and I need to end things, but then I never feel safe into to do so, or now my job stuff is kinda up in the air, and it just is a mess!
Somehow, I got pretty screwed up. Not too long ago, I was feeling better and happy, but now again I am feeling kinda lost and vulnerable. I think it's growing pains, and I am happy for any progress at all, I mean, a year or two ago, I never even really felt those happy emotions. Now, it comes and goes, and I'll take what I can get.
But I just don't know where to go from here. Just as soon as I had made my mind up to suck it up, go after a corporate job for money and security, and try to stay in Atlanta in my gparents house, I go to therapy and it all crashed down. I had just read the career book from Barbara Sher, "I could do anything if I only knew what it was", and I was on those thoughts, then went to my therapist. Where we kind of divulged that I fill my time with a lot of other things in order to escape the feeling of inadequecy for the things I 'really' want. Uh-oh. So, basically, and it is true, and I've known it. I get close to going after my own goals or working on them, but then when it comes time to act or committ, I freeze up and fill my time with anything else, rescuing another person, applying or taking another job, or any other act that can take me away from what I want.
It's sad to admit because it's awful to be like that. I wake up every day with this goals, and personal creative desires, but inside, I do kinda feel like I'll never get them done. And it's like baggage I carry along with me, like trying to escape those feelings, and I think food has found it's way in that trap too. They say a lot of people are stuffing their feelings with food, and I think that might be it for me. I don't totally overeat all the time, but I do think I get caught on that social go out to eat thing in order to take myself away from my own problems and issues. It does numb. And although it sucks to be unhealthy, I guess it's better than like a heroin or meth addiction or something. The mind scares me. I watched intervention and some eating disorder Tracy Gold show the other day, and those people really were like SO attached to their drugs and so messed up and sad. They were literally going to die that way, knowingly. And I know people respond to trama and life differently, and I am glad I just chose food and not something so much worse, but still...in a way, I'm just as sad as those people. I'm not living my life either. I'm an empty shell of a person who, when not eating for pleasure or saving other people, or working just to work....I am just sad and empty. In no way in the past, have I been doing anything just for me or for my actual personal goals. I've made steps lately, but they have been really hard. I have been surprised at how hard it is for me to really push myself to do MY own personal activities and interests. I get to a point where I feel like I am wasting time, or that this won't work, or just dejected, I have NO staying power for me. Which I know is not cool, but I am working on it.
I have lost so much of my life already. I filled my life with food at some point and stopped living, and then took in bad relationships, and stopped standing up for myself. I know that now. But I'm like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, how can I get back to Kansas?? Well, obviously to me, I need to lose weight to feel better about myself, but it's not just that. That would help, but it's not solely about weight anymore, and whatever happens there, I still need to re-enter real life. I have put off my goals and projects SO much, I feel like life is colorless. I hate that because I know good and well it can be brilliant and beautiful and a joy. That's the hardest part. But I don't think it's about capturing what I had necessarily. I need to talk to my therapist about that. I have been making huge steps lately to try to recapture part of the past, but even I know, that it's not the same and that I can't have it the same way. But then again, I don't know if some parts of my past need to be back in my life.
For instance, I have been mildly obsessiong over my ex-boyfriend from highschool. I'm pretty sure we will not still like each other enought o have anything, but there could be sparks, there might also not be b/c he was kind of an asshole. It depends on if he got nicer or more asshole-like. We'll see. But then, he probably isn't something I need to add back in my life.
Then I am in the process of reconnecting with my old best friend, and it freaks me out! I wrote her an email, she wrote back and she said she wants to put forth a lot of effort to reconnect, but it is freaking me out! I wanted that, but now that it's here and real, it is freaking me out. Am I ready? I don't know, but I think I just need to shock my system again.
I am trying really hard at this new diet, and it's hard, but I just have to deprive myself for 100 days. I need to lose this weight, and I don't even have to be super duper skinny, I just want to be at a place where I can attempt to start not feeling like such a loser and letting that be SUCH a hurdle for me.
I think that battle will continue and I'll need to work on it for the rest of my life. I think it is like drugs, you can't ever take your mind off your plan. If you do, it creeps in and destroys you all over again. Sucks to have to have something like that in your life taking up space and effort, but I have to accept that. It will never be over, the war with weight will never end. It sucks, but it's probably true.
I guess I am pushing myself to go after the things I want, but I feel this disconnect from attempting it, and then the results or the actual feeling of it. It's UNCOMFORTABLE to say the least. I posted my profile on a band website with a song and some photos, and applied to a music classified. That was HUGE for me, and pretty tough. I'm still nervous from it. I sent my former best friend that email, and every response she writes back freaks me out! I don't know how to handle all this. But I think the best advice is just to keep pushing through and to just act and not think. Thinking gets me into trouble. Same thing when I was meeting those girls to go out with, I quit going because the thinking and the inadequecies I felt took over, I couldn't handle being in such painful situations. But when we were drinking, I was a little more fine. I could turn off some of the drama in my head and just be a girl hanging out. I think I need to fill my life with those things I do care about and start seeing them progress. Then when I hang out with others, I won't be thinking about what they are thinking about me, or what that look meant, or if they think I'm the 'fat' friend or something. I'll be thinking about my own designs, or some creative thought, or what I want to do tomorrow, or how much I appreciate their company.

But I am confused right now. The weight loss is helping, but it is also hurting too. The change there and the restriction is uncomfortable, and makes me unhappy and sad. But I have to push through it. Doing so will help me feel better physically which 'should' make the other things easier or just not add to my problems.

Also, in Barbara Sher's book, she talks about how sometimes you have to go after what you really want in order to have a good career. And that sometimes, it isn't your career! She gave one example how some lady was chasing careers and exhausting all her resources, but it turns out, she just wanted to be in love, or to find love. And that was what was most important to her. And once she gave us the other stuff and focused on what she really wanted, the other stuff fell into place more easily. I am thinking I might be the same way. Only, I'd say I want nothing more than to be at a certain weight range. Like it's not obvious in my diary, but I am totally obsessed with that and haven't thought of anything before that for SO many years!!! ugh! hate saying that! But it's true, that's important to me, and then probably finding love. Or maybe love is more important, I don't know.
I sometimes do think that I might be really and truly happy if I cut V out of my life. I may have no friend and no social life, but the spot would be open for real love, which is a much happier and hopeful feeling. I think I would feel that way.

But then I also think my social skills would wither up and die, and I'd be even worse off trying to meet and hang out with friends. Ugh! Catch-22!

But I am hoping all this forced change will produce something. If God is listening, I want him to know I'm out there, taking chances, grasping at straws, putting forth some effort, and I could really use the help on the other side. I can't hardly give 50% without giving up, so I really need some of the things to meet me half-way!

But, I am hopeful. I have so much HOPE. That's why I push for the diet, because I want to change my life, and to keep doing it every day might help, there's nothing else, but if I can just keep doing that. And then adding other things here and there. I know it might add up, but gosh it takes so long.

I have to focus more on the process of things, that is my downfall..

But I'm gonna end with that, and I'm going to go try and focus on the process of the rest of today, to hopefully find some meaning in it, and some happiness.