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�2004*Blondiegrl24*

"running down a dream..."
Thursday, Oct. 06, 2011 // 12:11 A.M.

Dear Diary,

Oh, the drama that is my life.... It feels silly sometimes, but I guess I kinda enjoy the drama occasionally.

Anyway, today was a pretty good day. I've been spending a lot of down time today thinking, reading, talking, and hanging out with myself. It's been good for the soul. It isn't always though, sometimes I can work myself into a tizzy or anxiety or just feel even worse sometimes, but not today.

I've been toying with the idea that I've probably been clinically 'depressed' for a while now. I have a ton of the symptoms, but I kind of refuse to give into it and get help. I mean, I'm working on getting help, but I don't want to be diagnosed with depression, it's bad, and I know for a fact that a lot of the medication messes with your wiring an can affect you for the rest of your life. It's a long story, but I had a psychologist once go over it with me, and they always said to NOT take the medicine until you know you REALLY need it and nothing else works, otherwise you can never stop taking it, and your more susceptible to being worse/depressed even more.

Whatever, I don't think it's a severe case, but I have a lot of the symptoms. But while I could go through and mention them all an explain how I have them, that WOULD be depressing, and I'm feeling good today and want to talk about more positive things.

But, I do think my physical appearance is a reflection of how I have been feeling, a general feeling of decay and filling a hole inside with the wrong things. And staying with V or not is also a product of that.

Ah, V, that's still up in the air. We started hanging out a little more, but I still feel like it's probably not going to work. I just need to make ME the best ME possible, and I think it will fall into place. But I do need to stop overanalyzing everything. I seriously think I need to start smoking pot or something, I just cannot turn my brain off sometimes. And while the counseling/therapy has been helpful, it also feeds my anxiety and fear and overanalyzing of everything. Sometimes, I just want to NOT THINK and just DO. I think that's a good way to be, but it's a happy medium.

Anyway, today was good, not so much diet wise, but it wasn't terrible.
I read some helpful books, watched a great video by Joel Osteen, posted it on FB, and a friend sent me a private message saying it 'really' helped her and changed her day and thanks for posting it. So that was cool. Then I went outside, spent some time in the sun with the dogs, and then took a nap later. Then went to eat mexican with my dad where we talked about some heavy topics. It was nice. I had to keep myself from tearing up and crying. But thats one thing therapy has helped me with. The ability to talk about painful things without being overcome with emotions.
I don't think I would have been able to talk to him about it had I not talked about it before in therapy. I was so much more braver when we kinda touched on it, I was able to kinda push it further to get what I needed out of it. Was really rewarding and refreshing.
We basically talked about the music and singing stuff, and how critical my parents were, how they didn't really mean to be. My dad also said how he was really proud of me and thinks I turned out well, and that I am very smart and capable. He also said the music stuff was good for me too, and that I did have talent. Basically, it was nice. Therapy actually helped me not blame them anymore too. At first, I thought some of the lacking stuff was there fault, they didn't push me or help me or get the message about things I wanted to do, even when I tried DIRECTLY. I used to blame them for it, and just feel like a victim and tortured artist. But now I know, they really didn't knowingly do it, and they just did what they thought was best. It's a simple idea, and one I already knew, but I think it takes time growing up as an adult to see that they aren't perfect either. They make mistakes too, and know matter how much they think they are, they're not right all the time, and they can't help you make decisions for your self. I used to think well, 'who knows me better', so I took their advice seriously and depended on their input, but I was also paralyzed by it too. Because when you ask someone who matters to you a lot what their opinion is, and it's not the same as yours, it's A LOT harder to do what you gotta do for yourself.

I guess I just got older and saw them for what they are, and I know it was all from a good place, even if it could have been better. I have to take from it, accept how it happened, be glad some things still worked out and go from there. That's all you can do. But it sure was nice to have that talk and here my dad say it. I think he realized to be a little more sensitive, but also he saw how much he matters to me. It really helped me feel better and see how much of the anxiety mountain I've built is really just made out of sand. Based on no real evidence. But kid mountains seem more solid than adult mountains, but when you really go back and look at things, they are never as scary as you remembered them. It's the emotions tied to them that keep it scary in your head, I have to work on changing that and take one step at a time, always looking forward not back.

But it was a good day, very positive. I don't know where things are going, but I am feeling better about them. I know I love music, and I know I have been running viciously away from it for a long time. But now, I am going to work it into my life. It still really doesn't mean that it's the thing I need to do in my life, but I definitely need to include it somehow. It's going to lead me somewhere I need to be, I truly believe that. It's been gnawing at my heart for YEARS all the time. I often would say to myself, 'oh, I've just fixated on it, it's not really my dream, it's just my kid childhood dream that I've fixated on too much', but then that's not true, it pops up all the time, and it really is one of those things that tugs at my heart. More than a kid dream, So who knows where it'll take me.

I am kinda excited about it, I have no preconceived notions. I just know I need to follow it somehow, and that's enough for now, God can do the rest.

Been a long time coming to get to this point. It's not mentioned here or mostly to anyone except those closest to me b/c it's the deepest secret of my heart. But I need to let it out, and just try, just get involved. I made the time for it, and I really need to keep moving with some action.

Anyway, I also need to get the diet under control. I don't know what is wrong with me. I have the tools to make it happen, I know it works, I don't know why I am still blocked. I try to ask myself, do I not want to be happy, am I afraid it will be the only thing left holding me back? I don't know. It's complicated. I'm hoping by making the jump to take these music lessons that it'll put some stuff into the light. Barbara Sher writes the most amazing book, 'I could do anything if I only knew what it was'. It is the BEST book, Ive read hundreds of others that were almost equally great, but her's speaks to me. I think it's the non structured approach. But she mentions in there how forcing yourself to move towards you're goal, any goal, will make all your naysaying come out. And how you will see your true fear and resistance pop out of no where. It is a GREAT book, I can't recommend it enough, it's magical.

Anyway, I just don't know why my motivation is lacking. I guess if I get closer to my really goals in life, I may feel more inclined to act on it.
Or maybe it's relationship related too. With V, I just don't even care what I look like or if he is attracted to me, because I pretty much feel like I can't win that battle. I know I did a lot better before with that Justin guy, I had lost like 20 lbs so fast just because I was into him and wanted to look and feel better, and it was just some added motivation, the motivation to change and be happy and have someone want me.
Maybe V is the problem, he definitely doesn't motivate me. I don't know, I need to work it out.

I've been obsessing over jobs still too, but I really need to stay where I am in order to get more into music. I guess I'm kinda not sure about the music, I mean, I know I love it, but I'm not sure I'll really love what it entails, like all the work, and the things involved. But we will find out. It's exciting times.

I just have to follow through, I need to call the place tomorrow or send an email. I am scared I must admit, and I have SO much anxiety weighted on this. Literally, I've been ABLE to take lessons since June, and I STILL haven't called, and before that there's been about 20 years.....but it's just a big deal or I've made it that way. My mountain of sand that feels like the great wall of China!

Well, hopefully good will happen. It's the only thing left for me. I've done everything I was supposed to do, did school, college, corporate job, creative job, moved across the country, etc etc...it's the only missing link. Maybe just putting it in the mix will ignite everything else.
I really hope so. I truly hope so. : )









The WeatherPixie

FADE // SPARKLE

I�m finding out that cheating gets it faster