Dear Diary,

These entries aren't going to make sense. I'm a Cancer, what can I say, my moods change faster than the speed of sound it seems sometimes.

I didn't want to write in here, but it's like I need too. Like I NEED to write b/c I am SO mixed up these days.
What a weird time in my world.

Back from vacation, was not talking as much to Vasil over vacation, but we did finally. Mostly, because I saw some emails in his language to some girl in his email. I tried to translate them online, and it didn't seem like much, but I didn't know who she was. And I suddenly felt the distance and the realness that this could be, for real broken up.
That of course made me text him a little more and see what was going on.

I don't know, I am so confused with myself right now.
I have been fighting things for so long, and I make up these pre-concieved notions about things. I totally make them up, and then I believe them. But in reality, nothing is what it seems and everything can change and be different. I see that. A lot of things I thought were absolute truths about myself, are really, not absolute truths, and they can change at any time.

I guess I am writing about this because of the situation with Vasil right now. I shouldn't jump the gun, but I'm thinking 'where are these feelings coming from?'

Well, I came up here on Wed, to go to an interview with him at a college campus to help him find out what he would need to do to apply. And he was happy and glad I came, really, otherwise, he probably wasn't going to do it or have the guts too. I'm sure he would eventually, but he needed a little push to find out the information.

I don't know what's going on. But I think he read some books and did some info about us over vacation, but he is acting kinda different. At first, I noticed him being a little more detached to me, in a good way, i.e., not taking my usual crap. Which is kinda good b/c I was being stupid and silly, and over emotional trying to get my way, and he was calling me out on it. Which at the time, pissed me off, but in hindsight, it's good b/c I don't want to be a whiny -gotta-have-my-way kinda person, but in the past, he has given me pretty much whatever I want when I want. But that's not what I've wanted. It's like with kids, you want to be free from rules, but you also kinda 'want' and need rules b/c you are young and naive. But I digress.

Sooo....I shouldn't have come up here, my parents don't know I was gonna hang out with him, but I'm sure they know really. I haven't called them at all, and I only do that when I'm busy or busy with him and Stela. Anyway, he is probably more calm and relaxed, but he is like being more aggressive physically and sexually, and more like, well, a typical guy. I've been pushing him off, and I feel conflicted. Like sometimes I want to explore this new territory with him, but also, I'm kinda still bitter and pissed. WHY are you suddenly into it now? What is the change? And do you really expect me to be like, 'okay, after 4 years of being ingnored, I'm gonna have sex with you now/' Whatever, I could rant myself into a tirrade and bad mood if I keel going with that thought.

Anyway, he has been doing this for the last 2-3 days, and I guess I have kinda felt the change in him. He's finally free from his International crap, and he doesn't have much to focus on but his life now. Work, sleep, sex/relationships, and maybe school eventually. Basically, his world just got a lot more simple. So, he's feeling good, but then I'm feeling a little bitter, like why should I want to be with you now, like I'm sloppy seconds waiting around for some bone or something.

I don't know. But then on the other hand, I feel kinda happy and like, curious, like if this could be the new him, and he could stay this way? I don't know. Then I got even more on cloud 9 I guess, and I came back to my house and was feeling like, well, now we actually could be together if we wanted, marriage and all, and family and living, etc. Basically, Susie homemaker daydreaming... Which I don't know where that's coming from.

Anyway, I was thinking at his house while we were napping. Why do I have such a vendetta against him and myself? Like I know, that I never really took this relationship seriously because I knew we would never have to commit until he was clear of his crap, so I just kinda didn't take it so seriously. But like, now it is kinda real.
And then I wonder why I set it up to fail so much in my mind. Like I had this idea of what I wanted in a guy and my perfect stuff and all, and V is not most of that, but then why am I kinda happy with our situation sometimes too. Really confusing stuff. So, is my perception of what I want WAY off? Because that kinda has been happening lately to me. My idea of what something could be is NOTHING like it ends up being. And I'm getting a little worried relationship-wise it could be too.

I don't know, am I just being spineless and caving in for comfort? Yesterday, I was ready to just try to not talk to him again, and stay at my place and get the dogs. Today, I'm thinking hmm, maybe we could make this work, and maybe he is changing his sexual behavior. Am I falling for crap? Or have I just been so focused on this thing NOT working that I don't notice when it IS working?
And I have been finding out as I am getting older, life is a lot more simple. And I need to live IN the moment. And not in the past or the future like I do often. I need to live with what I enjoy right now.
But what about all my plans and my ideas, and the crap I want to do and all the fun times I semi-planned dreamed in my head?
Like, can V be that guy to do those things with? Is he capable? I don't know. He has been living such in fear and stress the last years. He's out of it now, but I worry about it coming back or things getting rough for us and him withdrawing.

It's just, I do 'love' V. I do. I want to share my world with him, but I also can't stay with him and feel bad about myself. But I am starting to think it's a lot more of my issues.
I mean, granted, if I felt better about my body, I'd be more myself with him, and wouldn't be so held back.

I mean, I have just been telling myself since Day 1 with him that it's not going to be forever and it's not going to work, always setting myself up a backdoor. And now, I'm out, I've moved out all my stuff, all ties are pretty much cut. And he's still around, and I haven't run out the door yet. Why?
Now that we can REALLY be apart and do our own thing, why am I not excited and feeling okay about it.

I have been like IMMERSED in the psychology of our relationship, personalty types, Jung, ennegrams, etc, and I have been trying to find a reason why we are doomed to fail. I've been looking for proof, proof of what I have vendetta'ed against him.

It's only when my parents have not let him come around, and when they are mad at him for not telling him his 'secrets', and are expressing that they may not like him anymore. I feel pain, and like I want to stand up for him. Because that's not true, he didn't tell them b/c he knew they would judge him and not understand, and because he didn't know what to do at the time. And I know for a fact they would have reacted bad..b/c I know them.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's being back at the old house, being inside, moving back in, thinking of the good times he and I had here, and how things used to be, and how we DID have fun. I just know I have been living in the future SO much. Waiting for the right moment, the right person, the right weight, the right style, the right LIFE. And I'm EXHAUSTED. It still sucks, I'm still not happy. I'm stirring the pot too much. I need to be busy and just make decisons only from the heart.

I think I am feeling guilty because I do know a lot of the problems in this relationship are from me, and I just needed someone to blame them on. I needed to think well it's his fault, he's not interested in sex, so I have to break up with him. But truth be told, before he wounded me with his words, I was fine and we were having sex and slowly growing. Afterwards, it made things SO awkward, and we avoided it, and then I got even more upset we weren't doing it, more mad and ashamed at myself, more guilty, then I went into a very sad depression and indifference, and low self confidence, and then got even worse. I blamed it all on him, lashed out at him, but really, I never made an effort to connect us. I never extended the olive branch. I remained bitter, and conservative.

Truth be told, it's easier to just be alone and hope you can change later or with someone else, rather than fix your problems IN the relationship. So, I think that was my answer. Blame it on him, and escape. But I think now, and having some distance, I realize those problems are coming with me. Yes, with another guy I won't worry that they knew I was fat or something. They don't know the past and the hurt and all that, and that's kinda nice.
I don't know. I just know that as a person, I do know I like to run when things get tough, really tough, emotionally speaking. I cut ties, run or move. lol

I know a lot of times I just want to end it because it is too hard. Just because when I think of all the crap we've been through, I just want to start fresh, and simple. And I'll never be able to do that with V, even if we try, something will come up. It's like I say, with couples that cheat on each other so much back and forth, I think it never works out in the end. After so much, there's always some one who can't let something go, and it'll come up one day.

But, I am feeling tired, and like, I don't even know what I want or don't want anymore. This IS my life. I like V. I like his mom, I want to visit his country, I want a house, and kids eventually, and a flexible career, and to make art and music, and I don't know. I spend so much of my time trying to decorate my outside, that I don't know when I'm happy or not.

Truth be told, if I was Amanda Moes. right now having to move to Savannah with Jarrad, I'd want V with me. Like I know we could do it together. We are good in things like that. I just have spend SO much time EXHAUSTING time analyzing our relationship. I want to be like him, I see through his eyes. He wanted to have sex the last 3 days with me, and it's just that simple. That's it. He's not thinking of the comments he said to me, he's not thinking of the past, he's not thinking about how this will affect the relationship, he just wants to physically love me. And I'm so wrapped up in my crap, I can't even SEE that much less ENJOY it.

And that makes me soo sad. He is trying and he does genuinely care, he's not 'forcing' himself to do that stuff. He's not even capable of that. I realize now how simple he is, and I should be thankful somebody in the relationship is!

I just am seeing and understanding just how much time I have spent psycho-analyzing this relationship. And V is SO simple, but heartfelt. He's like my dog Rosco, he loves me, and he wants to be there with me all the time, but he doesn't understand the silence between us. He doesn't realize I'm stewing over some emotional problem, or that I'm feeling fat today, he is just so much more simple.
And maybe having a guy that does understand that would be easier, but would it? 2 highly emotional people reacting at every little thing? High drama alert.

I don't know, I am so confused. I set everything up, I was breaking away from him. Everything is seperated, we'll both be okay. But what's going on now?
I love V, I can't say I was ever 'in love' with him b/c it was always an odd fit. But we have worked SO hard at coming together. And I guess life happening to me makes me see how so many things in this world aren't perfect. So many of my friends have real fucked up relationships, and date guys who get them pregnant and leave and just crazy shit. And V is not like that, he was willing to stay with me from Day 1. I have always been running from him, trying not to let him catch me. And I haven't even tried to let him in. I haven't given him all that I have. I held back b/c I thought this was a temporary deal, and I never thought, of course years went by, and I was like what are we doing. But college and jobs and all were happening, and we never stopped to question things. And I've tried to break up with him so many times, yet he still wants to be here. and I don't know why. But in a way, it's a test.
I mean, I really kind of feel like he'll never leave me. But I always think he might b/c of the sex stuff, and my body and all, but he hasn't.

I don't know. I guess I need to have a talk with him. But it's like, 'what if this is real?'

What would we give to it then? And what would it be? If we really could be it, and forever, and we made this official. And I tried. For him, for me, for us. Fixed my body problems for me, for him, for us. Stopped trying to make him be someone else, and accepted him for how he is. Stopped trying to live some fake life, and calmed down, and focused on other peoples problems and not my own.
And just came home every day with myself and not my rampant, overly sensitive, analytical mind. It's just like the Rockport stuff, I have a chain-saw arm in a room of people. When really I need to be out in the forrest cutting trees, so when I come home, I am ready to just relax and be myself and happy. I've been using that chainsaw of diagnostic reasoning on my relationship stewing over it left and right day after day.
And it breaks my heart though, V is so simple. I am seeing for how he really is, and I always knew. I always knew. I'd spout crap about the relationship time after time to him, and he'd nod and he'd understand the concept sometimes, but he really didn't have a clue feeling wise, because he didn't FEEL that way about it. I need to learn to speak his language, not just his native country language, but his love language. We have different ones, and I KNEW that, but I have been just saying, oh, we are TOO different, it'll NEVER work!' But I see online it does and some people are happy with our personality and relationship differences.

I don't know, I am jumping ahead too much. That's the thing, I am overanalyzing what's going on right now. V is working, and I know he's not thinking of any of this. When he gets home, he'll want to eat and maybe still have sex, lol. SO simple, and I am SO complex. Like the total MARS and VENUS.
I seriously think I need to go be a counselor, I just need to have problems to solve. And I need to get away from my own.

Things can really be so simple, and I want to love life again. I was thinking today how unhappy I have been, and how I always feel like in this constant state of movement. Like I need to be searching constantly.
V has this physical energy, and he goes and plays tennis and gets it out. I have this emotional energy, and I haven't been getting it out. It's stewing on my own life and on my relationships. I can't even sit in one job without it affecting everything. I have to do things that are constantly different or else I over analyze everything.

So where does that put me? Man, I don't know. But I WANT V to be the person in my life, but the problems we haven't overcome are very strong, and I haven't overcome them. I've withdrawn and become worse with time, and we haven't come together.
I have to have that physical love and connection to keep FEELING for him.
How could we work? I'm just so tired of running, and keeping a backdoor and moving my stuff around, and trying to keep my heart safe and my feelings from being hurt. I'm either all in or all out.
He either wants to be with me forever and work his ass off, go to therapy etc if we need too, or move on. Whew, that's scary to say.
I'm freaking myself out here.

But I think of like moments on vacation with my parents when I am thinking of my future, and the life and I was thinking of moving to Florida or to Savannah, and I think, V would probably go with me. He's the guy who I know will be there and show up, and that I can count on. And I want him with me, and I know we could do it.
And even when we are broken up, I am still thinking that which is weird.

I guess I am just noticing today, how much of a vendetta I've had against our relationship, and how much of my problems are still my own. And how much I can lose, and also how much of my time is spent worrying about how things look or will be.

I feel like I haven't enjoyed my own life in years. I've always been in flux, waiting to be skinnier, waiting for the perfect moment, or the perfect job, or the right thing to do. But I am seeing, those do not happen. And I wonder 'gosh, why am I unhappy?, why am I still scanning everything so much?, why can't I calm down and just enjoy this moment?' why do I have to care so much about the food I eat like this is my last moment on earth?'

I am stressed out, always worrying what's next, where's my relationship going, what does this mean, I haven't actually been in a moment actually IN it enjoying it in a while!!! And the almost sex with V made me realize that. Him trying, and me not even being able to see the moment for what it was. I was busy thinking about everything else, what it means, being bitter, etc, but he kept pushing and was okay even when I said no, and he was still nice later, and I just realized, it was not just for my benefit or some overthinking thing. It was simple, and how many times have I missed moments like that??? Because I'm in my own head too much.
How can I keep it simple, and keep the world out of my head? Only focus on my internal heart feelings and nothing else. Not worry what my parents think or Kelli or anything.
I don't know, maybe I'll hate him tomorrow, maybe I'm on some weird trip today with these marriage thoughts. I'm freaking myself out. But I know myself, and I am understanding just how much I overthink things if I don't have real issues to deal with. And I guess I'm really just tired. Today it hit me at lunch. Stela and V begged me to go to the buffet, which I don't like so much, we went, it was fine, and Stela thanked me for letting us go there b/c she enjoyed it. And I had to look at myself, like WTF, why can't I just enjoy this lunch out with them? Why do I have to have a certain place, or why does it matter, why can't I just enjoy this day and this moment right now? And I did, I settled down a little.

Maybe Stela has to move here for it to work, haha, if so, then I'll make that crap happen. I'll tell her, she better come on over!!!

Well, I am gonna try to talk to V alone before we go eat with Stela. I won't reveal everything, but maybe it'll help clarify something.

I do know I need to let this all simmer. Tomorrow could be a very different day. But I feel a little more peaceful right now. Like I can stop scanning and searching for the moment.....