Dear Diary,

Feeling kinda weird today, a lil icky.

Had an appt. with Kelli Friday, we talked about the V situation. We broke up 2 weeks ago, but we really haven't discussed anything since then.

I have to come and stay at his house on the weekends when I work my make-up gig, and that's not ideal. It's strange. The first week, we just didn't talk about it, we met up and had dinner and just went from there. The 2 days went by fast, and Sunday my mom had some health problems with her galbladder, and I went home early Sunday.

Then this weekend sprang up and again, no mention. I was trying to keep a physical distance, but what's sad is, there really is no difference between us except for friend-activities. It's so lame, you can't even tell. I think that irritates me too, the fact that it's SO F-ed up that you can't even tell.
But Kelli insisted I tell him . And she makes good points how 'why does he have to agree for us to be broken up'. It's really my decision too, and if I want to be then I am. Regardless of his opinion, but then there is all this gray area! It's frustrating. I really would like to either end it or well, end it b/c I really dont want to get back in it right now. I'm pissed about being in this mess for so long, and I'm just over it. My life has changed a lot and shaken up, and changed jobs, living situation, etc, what the fuck is one more thing with him. I'm in a changing mood.

But at the same time, I don't know how to deal with my job on the weekends if I end things with him. It sucks, b/c I make a lot more money at that job then any other, and I enjoy it. There is like no solution there.

I just wish I could transport my body, myself, and my career somewhere. Just magically transport myself skinnier, happier, with friends, and either going to school or working on a great career path, and have my own place again and just be secure and happy with or w/a a significant other.

I just am back in limbo world somehow! If I want to end it with him really though, I have to not live with him, and move my stuff, and not stay with him.
It's just, that jeopardizes my job, and then I have to move my stuff or find somewhere for it to go.
I need to do this before him mom comes in August. He's SO f-in retarded though.
I mean, wouldn't someone get it if you've been breaking up with them for years, or trying to get away from them, moving away to their own place, purposely finding a job close to somewhere else they can't live, etc etc. ACTUALLY breaking up with them. Wouldn't they GET it?!?! Why would they still act like everything is fine?!? It drives me nuts!
He literally acts like everything is fine now, and tries to sometimes kiss me goodbye (although no real romantic affection beyond that habitual show of affection). He acts like everything is cool, and I know when I tell him, yes, it's for real, and move my shit, that's he's totally gonna freak out all over again.
I just need to do something, but I don't know what. I really don't want to quit my other job entirely, but I did the math, it's not really feasible for me to pay $300 a month to rent an apt somewhere where I only need to stay 4 nights a month.

I literally need to like take all my stuff out one day while he's working, and just really break it off, but I have such a hard time doing that to him. It feels so sketch for something we've had for sooo long.

Also, next weekend is my birthday. We aren't doing much, he was gonna get my a present and we'll prob do a dinner, but I'm mostly gonna celebrate with my parents Saturday. It's probably gonna be a sucky birthday, but things are so weird right now anyway, I can hardly care. My life is like totally flipped around, and I just want to get it back on some kind of even level soon. Part of that is doing something about this hanging indent or a relationship. It's like strangeling me b/c it is so vague and open-ended, and weird. And then I have some feelings tied up in it, and I guess staying here on the weekends is the worst idea. I mean, I can't really move on. Neither can he, but he should worry about himself really. I just hate that he never believes me, and that he won't even BRING up whether we are really broken up or not. It drives me nuts.
If I were skinnier and felt better about myself, I'd totally just go out with friends and meet guys and let it work itself out, but I just don't right now. I'm heavily dieting and just feel funky, so it's not a good time to add alcohol to the mix.
Plus, on a good note, I've lost 10 lbs. I am on a good wave with everything right now, so I just gotta keep it going.

So, Idk. I guess I'm gonna let my birthday happen next week, maybe I won't let him buy me much, that would just be mean. Although, I do still want to be his friend for real, and I honestly think we can do that b/c we pretty much are right now, but it's just crazy. So, I guess I'll have to do it the next weekend, which is right before my sister comes which is a week I'm off so I don't have to come to the city to work my make-up job that week. That'll at least buy me some time I guess.

His mom is coming in late August and I really don't want to be here for that. He might as well have her while he is trying to get over me or our 'messed' up situation.

What was also worse is that that Sex & the City episode with Trey and Charlotte was on today. We're Trey has impotent problems, and doesn't have sex with Charlotte, she cheats with the gardner, they try again, doesn't work, then he says they can have separate lives (hes playing tennis, even worse), and then they get divorced. Salt in the wound. It feels like such a similar situation.

Man, things feel so weird though. V is like my best friend too, so it's so hard to change the relationship, and then also, we're not even acting like a 'real romantic relationship'. It's just a mess. I have to take care of this, I think this thing is part of the reason I feel so crappy and weird. It's just unfinished and hanging over me.

I may have to just work my job on Saturdays in make-up and try to do 7 hours in one day. Or just quit, I don't know, but I gotta get out. I can't have this open ended unfinished situation hanging around.

Anyway, that stuff with L-wood has calmed down a little. I ended up texting him on Wednesday. He wrote back, I asked him if he was in a relationship in a casual way, and he said he was. I asked if it was serious, and he said it had been several months. Then I mentioned something about me coming by to say hey and catch up some time as long as it wouldnt cause any drama, and then he said , 'okay, take care' I mean, maybe he had to get back to work or pull someone over, or maybe he just got home or was meeting that girl. Or maybe he is tired of me saying that and not meaning it, so he knew I wasn't maybe serious? He is kind of a take it at face value kind of person. He never was one to talk on the phone for hours, or talk about future things, he's a take it one day at a time, face value kind of guy.

And then I decided I need to get my shit together, I don't need to mess his relationship us just b/c I need an excuse to help me get away from V. I mean, I still do really want to see if we still have any sparks or chemistry, and I think he may want to do that too. Or even if he doesn't, I think it'd be interesting to see or just say hey and catch up. It may be nothing, but I'd like to see and find out.
But not at the expense of his happiness or relationship. I need to get my stuff together, and then not 'attack' him of sorts trying to win him over. I just need to be myself and say hey and see if anything is there. and then whatever. He may be happy, and if so, that's what I want for him the most, so I don't want to mess with that.
I may not do anything, not if he's in a relationship. But again, I have to wonder how serious it is and if it matters if he just says hello to me, that that might not be a big deal anyway. But whatever, I'm not doing jack til I lose more weight, so no use in worrying about it right now.

Anyway, I just really don't want to not be in such weird positions and transitions. I wish I could just have a plan and be doing it, and be free to decide my own future and my future relationships.

ah!
But it's late, and I have to sleep at V's. He's passed out on the couch of course. We'll go to bed, there'll be no touching, I'll get up tomorrow like it's my own apt, we'll watch tv, him tennis, eat, and then I'll leave to go home. So weird. But it's comforting b/c I can talk to him about anything and he is my best friend, but the romantic part is so dead it's not even smelling anymore!! It's bad. And it feels silly.

ugh,,,,TBCont'd